gun safety

It's April 20, 1999. Students arrive at Columbine High School for what would start as a normal day of school. But throughout the past several months, two students had been collecting firearms and producing explosive devices. Around 11:00 am, the attack that would lead to 13 innocent deaths, 24 additional injuries, and the suicides of both perpetrators began (Source). This day would ignite a nation-wide argument on gun control laws in the United States; an argument that has yet to cease.

Today, a gathering was attacked in San Bernadino leaving at least 14 individuals dead and many others injured (Source). This attack was not only tragic, but was likely avoidable. We've become accustomed to the news of mass shootings. The news stories have trickled across our timelines and our TV screens too many times to count. Mass shootings have become almost normal. And this is completely unacceptable.

As of October 1st, there had been 45 school shooting in the United States so far in 2015. Just school shootings. Huffington Post created a calendar showing these shootings, which is posted below. 

Add other mass shootings and that numbers increases to 352. Three hundred and fifty-five mass shootings in the United States in 2015. That is more mass shootings than days so far this year. And there are still people that don't believe that gun laws should be tightened.

I want to feel safe on my college campus. I want to feel safe going to the movies. I want to feel safe in public. But when guns are relatively accessible to the masses, it's hard to feel that way. 

Growing up in Kansas, I understand how important guns are for people. Hunting and target shooting are common sports. I'd be lying if I said I had never participated myself. And the truth is, most of the people I know who own and use guns regularly do not pose a threat to me in any way. Sometimes, knowing that someone who is responsible and stable and is also armed can even feel secure. But when those same firearms are available to irresponsible and unstable individuals, that security vanishes.

I don't want you to lose your right to bear arms. I understand the importance of the constitution. What I do want is for you to have to go through a few more steps to get to act on that right.

If you are a law-abiding, mentally stable U.S. citizen, it should not be too burdensome to pass a few more background checks or go through a training class or two in order to get a firearm. If you want it that much, you shouldn't be worried about the extra measures that need to be taken to legally attain one. Especially if it keeps weapons out of the hands of people who can cause harm in any way.

We need a system of licensing, training, and permits for guns as well. We have one for driving, we should have one for gun ownership. We need to at least try to increase the safety of our communities. I want to feel  more safe. And more restrictive guns laws can do that. 

finding compassion

If you are a living, breathing human being with any access whatsoever to the media, you know at least a little bit of what's happening across the world. ISIS has taken responsibility to a number of terrorist attacks across the globe and has threatened and hinted at more. Most media coverage has been devoted to the various attacks in Paris, but a Russian plane, the people of Beirut and of Baghdad have also been victims of terrorism in the past week. In fact, according to a Wikipedia tally, there have been 290 terrorist attacks so far this year by a variety of perpetrators.

With this increase of awareness of these global issues, many people have been quick to jump to conclusions and generalizations, the most common being that Muslims are a dangerous group of people.

I've seen all kinds of judgments and stereotypes against Muslims in the past several days and it breaks my heart. Having had experiences and friendships with people who are Muslim, I have developed a strong respect for the Islamic faith. They are a peaceful, moral people who's image has been distorted by the extreme behavior of a select few.

As humans, we love to put people in categories. We want to organize them according to our own ideas because it is more convenient to group them together than recognize them as individuals. And when extremists appear, it is easy to see them as the spokespeople for the whole. Many people have fallen in the trap of assuming that ISIS is a valid representation of the Islamic faith, and ISIS will use this to their advantage.

The truth is, Muslims likely hate ISIS as much or more than we do. They are a poor representation of Islam and its people. They also target other Muslims for a majority of their attacks. Islam is a victim of ISIS. By perpetuating hatred and discrimination towards all Muslims, we are furthering that damage. We are assisting ISIS and that is not okay.

So now is a time for compassion and love. There are thousands of Syrians uprooted for their homes and looking for their futures. They are looking for somewhere safe to go. And we have the opportunity to be that haven for them.

There has been extensive discussion over whether or not taking in refugees is a risk worth taking. People are scared that ISIS will use the immigration of these refugees as a way to infiltrate the US. In all honesty, this should be a concern. Likely, there will be some refugees with their mindset and influence. But this excuse to avoid assisting those in need makes a faulty assumption. It assumes that the US is clean from the influence of ISIS at this point in time. Chances are, ISIS already has individuals residing in the states who are loyal to their cause. Accepting refugees does not change that. Accepting refugees, in my opinion is not opening the US to the influence of ISIS because my bet is that it's already here. And in that case, I think it makes much more sense to help the thousands of people fleeing from their homes than to worry about what may or may not be coming with them. It is much better to do good in spite of the bad than to avoid the good because of the potential evil inside.

Thousands of Syrians are fleeing from their homeland. Thousands of individuals scared for their lives and wondering what will happen for them and their families. Thousands of mothers, fathers, and children hoping that someone, somewhere, will open their hearts and their homes because they had to leave theirs behind. 

Who are we to tell them they don't have a future here? Who are we to tell them that our own safety is more important than theirs? In our history, the US has been so willing to send troops abroad to help people in need with their problems in the past. Take for example, nearly every war the United States has engaged in. Why do we take a different stance when it means them coming here instead? We are willing to fight their problems in their own land, but are so hesitant to share ours. 

We must find our compassion and our humanity. We are on this earth together and we must work to maintain peace, safety, and health. Syria needs that assistance. These people need our help and we all should be willing to provide it. 

If you are looking for a way to help out the refugees personally, there are many options for you. 

If you are LDS, please donate to the Humanitarian Aid Fund here. 

If you go to BYU or live in the Utah Valley area, this is also an option:

If neither of these apply to you, you can find local organizations that are putting forth an effort to help. This link also has a list of organizations that are working to assist refugees. 

No matter what outlet you choose, you can help. 

suffer the children

Recently, the Church changed its policy regarding the blessing and baptism of the children of same-sex couples. These changes have only been announced through news media sources (source 1, source 2, source 3 - plus several others). This policy change redefines apostasy as including participation in a same-sex marriage. It also states that "a natural or adopted child of a parent living in a same-gender relationship, whether the couple is married or cohabiting, may not receive a name and a blessing." And that a natural or adopted child of a same-sex couple can only be baptized if "the child accepts and is committed to live the teachings and doctrine of the Church, and specifically disavows the practice of same-gender cohabitation and marriage"; and "the child is of legal age and does not live with a parent who has lived or currently lives in a same-gender cohabitation relationship or marriage."

Recently, the Church has shown support for same-sex couples in their legal endeavors. Many congregations have included homosexual individuals in their worship services. However, the Church's policy on same-sex marriage and behavior is clear. We believe that God has ordained marriage between a man and a woman. We believe that acting on same-sex attraction is a sin (though the attraction itself is not a sin if it is not practiced). 

In high school, I was close friends with several gay men. Due to this friendship I've always been a little conflicted on the issue of gay marriage. When sorting out my thoughts, I came to the conclusion that I would support my gay friends and relatives in their lifestyles. I do not have the right to decide for them how they feel and want to act. I have never felt threatened by or uncomfortable with the idea of same-sex marriage being recognized legally and have supported its legalization. I decided that my religious beliefs do not necessarily dictate my political beliefs. I can believe in the divinity of traditional marriage while believing that everyone, despite their personal beliefs on the matter, has a right to that legal institution. 

Since last night (which I understand is not the longest amount of time) I have been trying to wrap my head around the policy changes. I am hesitant to form my own opinion yet since the Church has not released official statements or explanations of the matter. I'm mostly writing this so I can understand my own thoughts. My initial response was shock. I was shocked that the Church would keep essential and saving ordinances from a child because of the actions of their parents. I was shocked that the Church would refuse the option of membership from a child due to the "apostasy" of their guardians. I tried to assimilate this change with my belief that "men will be punished for their own sins" (Article of Faith #2) and not for the sins of others. I tried to understand why Christ would say "suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for such is the kingdom of heaven" (Matthew 19:14) during his life, but then would allow for a policy keeping those same little children from entering into that kingdom. I still don't fully understand and I have many questions.

For example, what happens to the 14 year old kid who strongly desires to get baptized, firmly believes in Church doctrine and teachings, and has the approval to get baptized from his same-sex parents? What happens when he wants the blessings of baptism and membership now instead of waiting four years? What happens when he has no place else to go when he does turn 18?

Does this apply to any children of same-sex couples or just the ones living with their parents? What if a devout family member takes the child in to their home? Is this change to protect the relationship of parent(s) and child? Is this change to ensure that a child won't become inactive or leave the Church after continuing to live with same-sex parents?

Why, if the previous definition of apostasy was "repeatedly [acting] in clear, open, and deliberate public opposition to the Church or its leaders," would a new definition need to be added to specifically mention same-sex marriage? It clearly falls under the first definition under Church doctrine. Why would the Church openly postpone blessings for certain individuals because of the circumstances they are living in?

We are all sinners, so why should the children of certain kinds of sinners be held from baptism? Why can a child of adulterous parents, addicts, or criminals be baptized normally when a child with same-sex parents is given so many restrictions?

I'm sure there are answers to these questions and social media has been fighting hard to find them. I have been told by some that Christ would not support this policy. I have heard from others that even though it may not make sense now, we need to trust the Lord. I have felt ashamed of the Church's decision. I've felt ashamed for feeling that way. I've felt heartbroken for the children of same-sex couples who are looking for truth and baptism and are told they can't have it yet. I've felt chastened by other Church members for my questioning of the Church's changed policies.

I know that I will not be able to fully understand certain things while I am on this earth. I know that throughout mortal life, I will have questions and in time, I can find answers. I know that I need to have faith, but sometimes faith is hard. It is okay to have questions and search for answers. It is okay to be unsure. President Uchtdorf, Second Counselor in the Presidency of the Church, counsels us to to "doubt our doubts before we doubt our faith." But this does not mean we should be ashamed for having doubts in the first place.

pretty girls

"Happy girls are the prettiest," (Aubrey Hepburn) so put a smile on your face even if that's not what you feel. Intelligence is sexy so make sure you're smart so you can attract a good partner. Confidence is key (to securing a mate). We are told to have certain characteristics in order to boost our own appeal.

Can't I just be happy because it's healthy? Can't I be smart because I enjoy learning and want to pursue my goals? Can't I have confidence because I don't need to attract anyone to feel validated? We live in a time where even our personality traits are tied to our outward appearance and appeal. Because that is what has been labeled as the most important since day one.

Young girls are told to be beautiful, as if beauty is the best thing you can have. We are told to be pretty, as if that is the epitome of our existence. We are told to put on some lipstick and be charming. Because that's what we were brought into this world to do. Other traits that we develop throughout our lives with either enhance or diminish our beauty, so choose what characteristics you develop very carefully.

I hate the fact that I don't feel attractive unless I have attention from my male peers. I hate that as humans, we crave love and affection so much that we often tear ourselves down when we don't have it. I hate that all of my qualities can be tied back to whether or not I am attractive to everyone else. I want to be called beautiful and I want to be admired. I want to be more than the girl you can talk to about sports or your girl problems. I want to be more than your "bro." But I don't want to want that. I hate that I want it.

I do, begrudgingly, want to be noticed for my beauty. But the truth is, I want to be noticed for so much more.

I have so much more to offer than my appearance.
I want to be noticed for my witty humor or my athleticism.
I want someone to tell me that I am inspiring and ambitious.
Tell me that I am passionate,
Insightful,
Strong,
Fierce,
Independent,
Assertive,
Eloquent.

Compliment more than the way I look, because your eyes will never be able to see all that I really am.

happy birthday

So today marks a year since I started this blog and even though this is the absolute worst thing for me to be doing right now because I have a midterm tomorrow, two papers due at the beginning of next week, and I'm going to be in Boise, ID all weekend, I thought I'd commemorate this blessed day.

When I first made this blog, I honestly figured that I would write maybe 3 or 4 posts and then forget that it existed. But as it turns out, I have a lot of feelings and opinions and I've now been at it for a whole year and have published about 24 posts.

This is post 25. Happy birthday to me.

I really want to thank all of you who have continuously read my ramblings and put up with my imperfect opinions. The truth is sometimes I just really need an outlet. And clearly the best way to channel your thoughts and feelings is to put them on the internet for anyone to read. But it's really taught me a lot about my own vulnerability.

If you haven't watched it before, I strongly suggest that you watch Brené Brown's TED talk on vulnerability. In her talk, she describes the power of vulnerability and the power in embracing it. Vulnerability is often equated to weakness. When we are vulnerable, we are exposed and susceptible to damage. But we are also strong and free.

Despite contrary belief, vulnerability is not weakness. Sometimes, we may feel that way, but we have to recognize the strength it takes to become vulnerable. Exposing yourself and your weaknesses is hard and requires a lot of courage. We don't want to open ourselves up because it means we can be easily targeted and harmed. But putting on a tough outer shell never makes you stronger inside. You have to endure the damage that vulnerability can entail and heal from it in order to truly be strong. And to do that, you have to embrace to the possibility of being wounded.

There have been many times while writing posts that I stop part way through to decide whether it's truly worth finishing. In fact, I have about three drafts waiting in my cue, partially written and left to collect dust. But writing and publishing my thoughts has been more fulfilling than I could have imagined. None of my posts have hit the big time, but being able to hear and read responses to my thoughts and my words has been an incredible experience. It's amazing to see both positive and negative feedback. It's insane that people even want to read my silly musings. Insane and surreal.

So I want to propose a challenge to all of you lovely and enduring readers. If there is something you want to do, something you want to say, just do it. Nike's had it right all along. Don't hesitate. Embrace your vulnerability. Try something new. Develop a new talent. Or learn that you're really bad at whatever it is. You'll truly never know until you try.

So thank you. For putting up with me, for clicking the silly little Facebook link, for reading what I have to say. I'm so glad I was able to say it to you. And I'm so glad you gave me the opportunity to be vulnerable. Because "to feel this vulnerable, means I'm alive" (Brené Brown, 2010). 

a race without winners

When I was in elementary school, I was very proud of my height. I was the tallest kid in my class for several years and I even remember being devastated when one of my classmates outgrew me. My freckles were constellations illustrating my features. I loved to dance and sing. I liked musicals and hot wheel cars. I was awkward and laughed at everything, but it was okay because I was myself and that's all that mattered.

Elementary school was a glorious time of freedom. It was a time when cares didn't press on your shoulders. You can run like the wind and play among the stars. You can look, think, and feel however you want. Learning is fun and the world is ready to be explored.

But as you grow up, the world becomes bigger and more harsh. You become confined by standards and comparisons. Instead of looking at a thing of beauty and recognizing what you can become, you recognize what you are not. Learning becomes difficult and the world doesn't seem as accessible as it once did.

College is different than elementary school, especially when you attend a school with such a strong culture. BYU is a wonderful school and I'm so glad I came here, but it's not as perfect as some people would like to think it is. The truth is, going to BYU can be really hard on your self-esteem and self-image. I'd like to think of myself as a pretty confident person. I have accepted who I am and I know my worth. But I wouldn't be writing this if I believed it 100% of the time.

I want to talk about some aspects of the BYU/Mormon culture that have made it hard for me (and probably others) to really feel secure in self-worth, both individually and collectively.

Righteousness/Personal Growth

In addition to the typical academic competition present at university, BYU has an added aspect of religious competition. If you are LDS (which about 99% of us are) you are constantly surrounded by people who share your beliefs. In this kind of environment, it is difficult to avoid comparing yourself with your friends and peers. In these comparisons there is often a feeling of singularity. Everyone else is doing so well, and I am alone in my struggles. And when you combine these feelings of inadequacy and solidarity, self-esteem is arduous to maintain.

This time in our lives should be about our personal spiritual growth. This growth cannot be meaningful if accomplished through competition. You can only truly grow when you are seeking progression for the sake of progress and out of your love of God. Competition is fueled by love of man and reputation, thus advancement with this motivation is not divine. We need to recognize that though we are all running the same race, there aren't prizes for those who finish first. God loves us whether we are leading the pack or falling behind. He even loves us when we wander off the trail. Religion is not a competition, so we need to stop playing it like there's a trophy to win.

Dating

Please don't ever ask me why I am single. Besides not actually having a strong answer to that question, it implies that there is something wrong with the fact that I am not currently in a relationship. There's not.

During one of my very first church meetings at BYU two years ago, the women in the ward were given the counsel to "date boys." Yep, it was that blunt. (Please note: this is definitely not the only time I have or will receive this advice, it's everywhere). I have done a poor job following this counsel, sometimes by my own personal choice, sometimes not. But the pressure of dating and marriage is overwhelming. And this can even be tied into my previous complaint. The LDS church is built on the organization of the family. It is seen as and is the ultimate goal of our time in this mortal life. But this ties our dating habits to our to our religious behavior and belief. If you are not going on dates regularly, it can almost be seen as sacrilegious.

The Lord's timing for each of us is personal and different. Whether we are married, dating, or wondering why we haven't been asked out in months, the Lord loves us and has a plan for us. We need to trust His timing and know that dating doesn't make or break our religious well-being. It's a fierce competition here in Provo, but once again there are not winners and losers. I am no more or less based on my relationship status.

Happiness

It has been said (and empirically documented) that Mormon's have a certain glow about them. We are a happy people. We face trial with optimism and see light in the darkness and it doesn't go unnoticed. But with this stereotype comes the challenge to uphold it. If you follow a Mormon on Instagram or are friends with one on Facebook you have probably seen how "blessed" and "grateful" they are. And these are not bad things to be, but it becomes damaging when you feel you have to suppress negative emotion to be or pretend to be so.

There is a huge pressure to be happy all the time, and when you're not, to feign that you are. Specifically as a Mormon girl, you are supposed to be peppy about life with your hair in curls and your skirt to your knees. Problem one, my hair is perpetually straight and curling takes too much effort. Problem two, I'm not always happy. In fact, I'm often stressed or irritated. I don't always (or ever) fit the cute, happy Mormon girl mold. And I don't really mind that I don't either, but it can cause me to lose sight of my place in the Mormon community as a whole.

There should not be a mold. The word "Mormon" shouldn't evoke thoughts of stereotypes, but thoughts of spirituality, diversity, and love. I shouldn't feel the need to adorn myself in a constant smile and mint green statement necklace to feel like I belong. If you are not happy all the time, you don't have to pretend that you are. And if you are happy, you don't have to tell the social media world if you don't want to.

There is not a checklist to be a good Mormon. You don't have to do certain things every day. You don't have to be with the love of your life right now. You don't have to put on a smile if it gets too hard to do so.  You are not worth less based on the number of people ahead of you. You are not worth less if you don't fit the mold. Life isn't a race, it's a journey to make at your own pace. And Mormonism isn't a stereotype, it's a belief system.

chocolate cake

Say your best friend has some chocolate cake. It's the best chocolate cake in the entire universe. Your approaching the end of your life and you are finally told about this bomb cake, even though your friend has had it all along. Wouldn't you be ticked if they had never shared that cake with you?

Well, I have a cake. It's pretty much the sweetest cake there is, and I've not really been the best at sharing it. Not because I don't want to, but because I'm never totally sure how. So I'm going to try to now. We're talking about some dope Mormon cake. The cake of the gospel. Jesus cake? Is that sacrilegious? Anyway...

I was born into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I've been to a couple other churches throughout my life and I've had friends of all kinds of religions. Honestly, I haven't done much exploring outside of Mormonism, but I've also never felt the need to. I like the taste of my Mormon cake. I know it's the right cake for me. And I love it with all my heart. And when you love something, you share it with the people you love.

I know that most of my readers are Mormon as well, so I'll spare the details of the establishment of the church, but if you are interested, you can look here for information on the people, values, and beliefs of the church. And if you have any questions ever about our beliefs, my inbox is just a click away!

I think the one of most comforting thing about being a Mormon is the belief system and community that ensures that you never have to feel alone. In the church there is a strong focus on family. In fact, the older I get the more I recognize that while on this earth, our family, by blood, by community, and eternally, is the most important aspect of our lives. Due to this focus on the family unit, there is a very strong sense of family beyond the bonds of marriage or birth. We refer to each other as brother and sister just as naturally as we would call someone by their first name. We talk about our ward family or in single's wards, our family home evening brothers, sisters, and parents. The family is the basic unit, and not just by name, but by connection. Even when you may not know the people in your congregation as best as you could, it is easy to love them and feel connected with them.

And the most important aspects of these familial connections are our Father in Heaven and our brother, Jesus Christ. Though many people aren't aware, the Mormon church is first and foremost, a Christian church. Christ is the very center of our beliefs. The Atonement is at the forefront of our teachings. I know that it is through the Atonement that I can be forgiven and cleansed of my sins. And that's the next great thing about my church that I want to discuss. You never run out of chances.

Each week that you attend church and take of the sacrament, you get to start over. Each time you pray and truly repent of your sins, you get to start over. And you never run out of those chances. It's not like a video game; you can't run out of repentance lives. And it's fantastic. Because we all make mistakes, a lot of them. But with my knowledge of the gospel, I know that I can repent of those things and commit to improving my life. An unlimited amount of times. And all of this is possible through Christ's sacrifice. A sacrifice he was willing to make for the whole world, but also for everyone personally.

And that's the next thing that I love about the gospel of Jesus Christ. It is so personal. We often get overwhelmed by the number of people in this world and this causes us to question our own individual worth. We wonder whether or not God truly knows who we are. We wonder if we are significant. But the LDS church makes dealing with those doubts and questions much easier. God does know us and loves us personally. We each have a role in His divine plan.

The final thing I want to share about the church I love so much is the role of prophets. Many people believe that prophets are a thing of the past, a key aspect of the ancient church, but no longer necessary in our time. Others believe that God has left our world without prophets because He no longer loves us or desires to communicate with us. I know that latter reasoning is false, because I have felt God's love and I know he would not leave His children on earth without guidance. And the first reasoning just does not sit right with me. If Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8), why would the organization of His church change?

The LDS church is one of the only churches that believes that prophets and their communication with God are still present today. The blessing that comes with this is that we are still privileged to hear revelations that are specific to our time. We do believe in the Bible and the Book of Mormon, however they are ancient documents. These books or scripture are essential, but modern revelation gives us guidance for our day. Twice a year, we are able to listen to the words of these prophets and apostles in their General Conference addresses. This October marks the 185th Semiannual General Conference of the Church* (the 185th Annual General Conference being held in April of this year). I am so grateful for the opportunity to hear the words of God specific to my time and my life.

So that's my chocolate cake. You can choose what you do with it. But know that I love this cake. I love it with all my might, mind, heart, and strength. And because of that love, I want others to know about it too.


*This can be watched here on October 3rd and 4th at 10am and 2pm MST. If you are at all interested in the church or what I have written in this post, I HIGHLY recommend tuning in for a bit!

reform: immigration and attitude

If there's one thing to know about my opinions of the upcoming presidential election it's that I am strongly opposed to Donald Trump and I am terrified by the idea of him running this country. He's running his campaign on the slogan "Make America Great Again." How does he plan to do so? By getting rid of people he considers lesser Americans. In fact, if you go to his campaign website, the only thing under his positions tab is his stance on immigration reform. It's central to his campaign and it would be central to his presidency (and let's just hope it doesn't go that far).

His immigration policy relies on several things: making Mexicans build the wall keeping them out of our country, increasing security and the processing of documentation, and deporting all illegal immigrants, including the discontinuation of birthright citizenship.

Let's ignore the fact that this would most likely cause more strain on our economy than it would benefit it and focus on the social issues it would cause domestically. It will cause unnecessary conflict between the US and Mexico. And of course, in this situation, the US will make itself the bigger, scary superior and force Mexico into compliance. It would increase segregation and discrimination in our communities and it would revert us even further into civil rights issues.

In America, we are so surrounded by freedoms and rights that we cannot comprehend life without them. We fail to understand that other countries are far behind us when it comes to political advancement. (We also fail to see how other countries are surpassing us, but that's another topic). Essentially, we have it good here (though there is always room for improvement). And other people recognize that too.

Here's something to understand about immigration, whether legal or illegal. These individuals are choosing to leave their home country for a country that widely disapproves of them because they believe living here will be better for their future. They are leaving everything they know and risking the chance of being sent back to it in order to pursue potential opportunity for a brighter future. I think that says something about the state they are in. That decision deserves compassion from our side.

We also have to note how difficult and time-consuming it can be to enter the US and gain citizenship on a legal basis. There are policies in document retrieval that cause people to be stuck in the process. When it takes years in order for spouses to be reunited because getting a visa is too difficult, it is clear there are problems to be solved.

We do need immigration reform, in the sense that we need to show compassion to individuals fleeing their home land to find better lives for themselves and their families. We need to provide means for individuals to gain citizenship so they can attain jobs to support their families. We need to speed up the process of documentation so people can reside with their loved ones legally.

Take for example, the refugee situation in Syria. As Americans, we are encouraging Europe to take in these Syrian refugees so they may escape their distressed and war-torn country. Over one-third of Syria has left or is attempting to leave. Their situation is so dire, that a large portion of the population is attempting to leave their homes. And we are in strong support of them doing so. We are telling European countries to open their borders to those less fortunate than themselves. However, we sit here in our homeland telling people that they cannot reside here because they are somehow a strain on our economy and resources. They are in similar situations. They are trying to escape danger and empty futures, yet we turn them away for our own benefit. It's selfish and hypocritical.

Despite your religious beliefs or views of creationism, we are all occupants of this world. Despite who you believe created the world, or how we ended up here, it is dangerous to assume that our occupancy dictates a right to regulate the existence of others on this land.

According to my own personal beliefs, God gave us this world for our mortal existence. He created the mountains and oceans and skies. He provided them as a location for us to live, experience mortal life, gain physical bodies, and grow closer to Him spiritually. It is such a blessing that we get to occupy this earth at the same time as billions of other people. We get the pleasure of interacting with thousands of people throughout our lives. However, we are self-righteous enough to believe that we have some right to decide where they fit with us on a social scale. We feel like we have the power to decide where they are allowed or not allowed to exist. We have taken this world that was given to us and made it into a power system. We attribute ourselves power over others, while ignoring the highest power of all.

Would God stop illegal immigrants from pursuing a brighter future because they don't reside in the country according to the laws of man? Of course, it is essential that we respect these laws, but nothing is said about changing them.

No matter what your current stance on immigration is, please take a moment to have compassion on these people who are leaving their comfort zone because they no longer feel comfortable there. Take time to love people who have the same goals as you, to find success and strength for themselves and their families. Take time to recognize the needs and desires of others, even if it does impede on your own personal or community ease. We are making the mistake of thinking that our personal gain is always the most important.

Throughout adolescence and early adulthood, I have come to recognize that the best way to view politics is not to reflect on our personal beliefs, but to look outwardly. What is best for us is not always best for the whole.

imaginary friends

One of the biggest mistakes we make as humans is thinking that others are exactly how we perceive them. We tend to assume that they really are what we think they are and what we think they should be. When we imagine others, we tend to ascribe them characteristics we have ourselves. We're a lot better at looking at people as if they are mirrors rather than looking at them like people. We want them to be like us because it makes them easier to understand. But when we imagine people, we rarely imagine correctly. 

Humans are complicated creatures. It's the reason I've chosen psychology as my field of study and interest. I find the complexities of human nature fascinating. But these complexities make it extremely difficult to understand each other. No matter how desperately we want to fully understand one another, it is impossible to do so unless each party is completely transparent. And transparency is rare. We like to tuck away pieces of ourselves so that no one will see them. And unless we are clear about ourselves, we cannot expect others to be as well. When we hide so much of ourselves away from the public, we allow this imagining and misimagining to happen. And sometimes we want it to. We love being mysterious and we are enthralled when other people are as well. We don't want to be completely open because we don't want to lose our grip on our own mystery.  

I've often referred to myself as a walking paradox, as if I am not allowed to contradict myself. I refer to my paradoxical qualities as if it is unique for someone to have so many facets. It's not, so why do we tell ourselves so? In addition to imagining others, we also simplify them. And when we simplify others, we expect ourselves to be simple as well. But we aren't. Simplicity isn't in human nature and it never has been. We are complicated, mentally, physically, and emotionally. But we boil ourselves down to a list of labels both self-ascribed and given to us. We expect these labels to encompass our personality and being, but its hard to accurately describe a living, breathing creature with a list of adjectives. 

And when we assume that human nature is simple and easily explained, we miss out on a lot of the beauty of character. Instead of realizing the vastness of possibility in others, we simplify them to fit our own understanding. It's dangerous. We end up disappointed when someone doesn't behave in the way we expect. We are surprised when they are more complicated than we want them to be. Life would be much less difficult if humans were just easier to understand.

But we lose a lot when we simplify things. Beauty is found in the complexity. If humans were simple, how would we hold someone's interest? Why would we want to get to know a person better if we already understood them fully?

The truth is, imagining is inevitable. Humans are complex and it's hard to get to know someone well enough to not need to imagine parts of them. And imagining is fun. We get to wonder about who a person is and we get to learn about them as we interact with them. They are like a puzzle with infinite pieces and we get to put it together as we spend time with them. But it's also a puzzle that will never be completed. We will always be missing pieces of them and we won't ever be able to see the full picture. So we imagine it, whether we're right or wrong. We imagine their beauty and their flaws. We try to explain them without all of their pieces.

So misimagining is inevitable too. When we can't see everything as it is, we are bound to fill in the blanks with wrong ideas. The key is to be prepared for these mistakes. We just can't be too frustrated or upset when we get something wrong. We can't let our own misinterpretations get in the way of trying to further understand someone. The fun thing about imagination is you can always revise. The world is full of people, "each of them imaginable and consistently misimagined." But that doesn't mean we should stop imagining.

I hate "millennials"

Recently, people have been keen to blame problems in the world on an entire generation, specifically generation y, or generationals, or millennials. Whichever term you choose, it's probably used to demonize an entire age group of individuals.

But I'm not here to trash talk on a group of people I'm included in. I'm here to explain to you why these terms are not doing anything to help whatever problems you believe we may have caused. And that you can't really blame us for those problems anyway.

So yes, it's true. I hate millennials. The word. It's wrought with condescension and blame. And it does nothing to solve any perceived problems, especially when people included in the title use it mock their peers. (But for the lack of a better term, I will use it quite begrudgingly throughout this post)

The problem is, most of these complaints not even that accurate, at least from my experience. These complaints involve our proclivity for technology, our work ethic, our self-involvement, our lack of interest in marriage, and our moral and ethical beliefs. And because I can, I'm gonna break each of these down.

1. Technology: One of the most common complaints about millennials is our attachment to our phones. We have had the privilege of growing up in a time of exponential technological advancement, much of it provided by the generation above us. But then, when we use this technology, we are ridiculed for it. So the first this to note is without the generation who's complaining about or technology usage, we wouldn't even have a lot of that technology at our disposal. You can't just give us access to this kind of knowledge and communication and then become upset when we use it. Second, this technology provides us with unlimited information, communication, and outlets for creativity. Can you blame us for wanting to keep that access close? Given, there are times when our use of these technologies is excessive and unproductive. But you created it for us. Stop complaining that you don't like the way we are using it.

2. Work Ethic: I have heard many complaints about how my generation is too dependent on parents and others to be able to establish ourselves. We're entitled and as such, we are unable to work for our success. We're lazy and we just want everything handed to us. My first argument against this is that the population used to formulate this stereotype is not representative of the whole. They do exist but mind you, laziness is not something unique to the millennial generation. So maybe it's just the people I associate with, but my friends and acquaintances in my age group happen to be some of the most hardworking people I know. Starting at a young age, I have been surrounded by individuals who place their academic success before just about everything else in their lives. Many of my friends have neglected aspects of their social, mental, and physical well-being in order to be successful in their educational pursuits. And that kind of devotion is carried on to their careers. Most of the millennials I know are determined to do well for themselves, whether that means graduate level education or just finding a job to support themselves. As a whole, we are not a lazy generation. We work hard and have our sights set pretty dang high.

3. Self-Involvement: We are selfish. We only care about ourselves. But once again, unless I am only surrounded by the best of my generation, this isn't completely true. I would say that we have a tendency to care quite a bit about ourselves and our own successes. We were born into a corporate-driven marketplace. Unless we are a little self-involved, we aren't going to be very successful in our careers. But just because we are a little more concerned with our own advancements, doesn't mean we aren't concerned about others as well. Many of the millennials I know are quite supportive and service oriented. In fact, with the help of social media, millennials have sparked various positivity movements in order to support and love others. We really do care about things other than ourselves, whether it's seen or not.

4. Marriage and Family: Another complaint about millennials is that we are not as focused on marriage as we are expected or ought to be. We are getting married later or not getting married at all. We are called out for wanting to establish careers before we commit to a marriage relationship. And this is being made out to be a bad thing. First of all, there are a lot of millennials who are scared of that degree of commitment. We have grown up in a world where divorce is almost more common than a lasting marriage relationship. When we see divorce and the strife it causes for individuals and families, it is reasonable that we might want to take a bit more precaution in making those kinds of decisions. Second, many millennials focus on careers and establishing independence now so they can better provide for their families in the future. One of the most common issues in a marriage is finances, so maybe working those out beforehand isn't such a bad idea. I'm not knocking those who choose to get married early, but there just might be some merit to waiting.

5. Morals and Ethics: I'm not going to be the one to argue that our world isn't falling into a state of moral decay. There's evidence everywhere that morality is falling short to misconstrued independence and freedom. Specifically with sexuality, many are inclined to throw out moral standing and claim freedom of choice in regards to what is down with one's body. There is an astounding amount of violence and hate present in our communities. And people are claiming discrimination as freedom of speech. Politics are flooded with conflict rather than compromise. But millennials are very outspoken about issues that mean a lot to them. Sexual liberty is being used to combat gender roles, stereotypes, and double standards. People are coming together to protest violence and hatred. We are fighting for what we believe in and we are standing up for ourselves and for our worth. Arguments against millennial ideas of morals and ethics are most likely stemming from the clear differences from past generations. But we are in a changing world and we are just reacting to that change. 

But overall, the biggest problem with blaming and calling millennials out on these issues is not the specifics, but the fact that it is happening at all. When you grow up hearing something being said about yourself over and over, it's hard not to believe it. If we continue to tell millennials and proceeding generations that they are lazy, entitled, self-involved, and immoral, they just might start to believe they are. And that does nothing to resolve these issues, it merely perpetuates them. 

It is likely that the torch will be passed on and when I am middle aged, I will also complain about the young ones of the world and their hover-cars, holograms, and whatever other futuristic devices may have been invented. But I sincerely hope, that instead of slandering them and blaming them for issues that may not even be their fault, I will encourage them to create a better future. Because you can't really build something (or someone) up by tearing them down. It just doesn't work.

what is white culture?

This is a touchy subject. As soon as you bring up culture people get defensive about what belongs to them and what other people should not be allowed to wear, participate in, or say. Culture is becoming a possessive statement rather than an expressive one. It's all about what you can do and what others aren't allowed to do. And whether you like to face it or not, the only individuals I've seen targeted for cultural appropriation are white (though I'm sure non-white individuals have been accused somewhere).

And I'm not saying white individuals are not guilty of being offensive in this way. The Kardashians have done plenty of offensive things and their pretty unapologetic about it. The film industry also has a nasty habit of casting white individuals as ethnic characters. We're far from perfect in our treatment of individuals versus the treatment of their cultures. Amandla Stenberg put it well when she proposed the question, "What would America be like if it loved black people as much as it loves black culture?" This can be extended to other groups as well and it is an excellent starting point for self-reflection.

So let me preface this. There is no such thing as reverse racism. Racism refers to the systematic oppression of an entire race based on the fact that they are that race. It's something I've never experienced and most likely won't experience. White people have never been oppressed for being white. White women have been oppressed for being women. White homosexuals have been oppressed for being homosexual. But never because of white skin or race.

And it's important that we are aware of that privilege. Take for example the gender wage gap. We are told that women make approximately 78 cents to the male dollar. But that's the statistic for white women. Black American women make about 64 cents to the white male dollar, and Hispanic women make about 53 cents to the white male dollar. Even as a white woman, I am privileged in my oppression.

But this does not mean that white individuals are not stereotyped. White skin is not a protective factor from stereotyping or prejudice. We've all heard how white people can't dance and how much white girls love their Starbucks. People joke quite a bit about the way white guys flirt (which can be pretty funny, but that's a conversation for another time). The point is these are all stereotypes. They are seemingly harmless, but they do exist.

In fact, any time you call out a specific group of people and attach them to a blanket statement, you are stereotyping, whether you find it harmless or not. And when white individuals point out these issues, they are labeled as whiny. Which at face value may be true. Me complaining about the stereotype that white girls love Starbucks too much is pretty dang whiny. But there's a bigger issue at hand. It's the fact that we allow these statements and others like them targeting all kinds of people to be repeated. By continuing stereotyping, we polarize ourselves.

The issue is the way things are handled. We like to attack each other rather than educating. And this causes more problems than it solves.

But going back to cultural appropriation, here's a question I have. If white people are guilty of appropriating the culture of others, what is their own culture*? And can it be appropriated?

Because if a white individual can be guilty of appropriating other cultures, there must be a culture that they are safe to express, their own. But many people would argue that white people don't have a culture. Or that their culture is oppressing other cultures. Some would even say that white culture is borrowing from other cultures; that nothing solely represents white culture. It all came from someone else. But if white people don't have a culture, it would mean that all actions taken by a white individual would fall under the category of cultural appropriation in some form.

So if this is the case and white people don't have a culture, they must be in some form of limbo between cultures. A place that is safe for them to be without offending anyone else, but a place that can't be appropriated because it is an acceptable place for all people. And sadly, I think this may be the best way to describe modern white culture.

But even then, acknowledging white culture is seen as racist in and of itself. In fact, acknowledging whiteness in any form other than the humble recognition of privilege or mere statement of fact has been labeled as offensive. You are not allowed to be proud of your heritage if you are in the majority.

If you look at America and where it came from, I would say that white culture stems from religious freedom. You can see this in Martin Luther and the Reformation and in the immigration of European to America. You could also say that white culture largely participated in industrialization and technological advancement as much of this started in the colonies. White culture involves many styles of music, literature, dancing, and art. Yet these cultural aspects have never been designated solely for the white community.

But this is a legitimate question that I have and I am interested in seeing the perspectives of individuals from any background. What is white culture? Or does it even exist at all?

*Note: When I refer to white culture in this piece, I am referring to a possible culture shared by white individuals regardless of geography, religion, or socioeconomic status.

love one another

Before you start reading, I want you to consider all of the choices you have made in your life. Haircuts, careers, relationships, every choice you have made. Now, I want you to decide right now, if you would be willing to have those choices broadcast to the world and scrutinized by every pair of eyes that saw your name or face. 

Now I want you to think about yourself as an individual. What is your favorite color? What do you want to do with the rest of your life? What makes you happy or sad or angry? How do you view yourself? 

Now I want you to imagine that the entire world is looking at you. And they're telling you that the career you've chosen is disgraceful, that your style is horrendous, or that the things that make you happy are silly or wrong. Imagine how that would feel.

Caitlyn Jenner recently introduced herself to the world and she has been met with a fiery storm of both praise and hatred. She's been told that she's beautiful, but she's also been told that she's a disgrace to both the male and female genders. She has claimed her identity and began a life that makes her feel happy. And shouldn't she have the right to do so? 

1. No one knows exactly what other's are dealing with.

Often, when dealing with our various trials, we tell ourselves and others that no one knows what we're going through. And at a temporal level, it's true. Our experiences are completely individualistic. Only we know exactly what we are feeling at any given moment. And this applies to Caitlyn. My personal speculation would be that she has suffered from gender dysphoria for a good portion of her life (given that this speculation is based off an incomplete undergraduate level study of psychology). But essentially, this means that she does not identify as male, and living as a male caused significant stress and anxiety in her past life. 

So how many of you have had gender dysphoria? According to the DSM-5, the incidence of gender dysphoria ranges from 0.005%-0.014%. So there's actually a pretty good chance that none of you reading this understand the mental issues that Caitlyn or others with this disorder are dealing with. That means that you don't really have the right to judge how anyone in this kind of situation chooses to deal with their feelings and identity. 

2. You do not understand what God would and wouldn't do.

An argument I've seen about Caitlyn is that God wouldn't make the "mistake" of putting a female soul into a male body. The initial problem with this argument is that it assumes that our earthly understanding of the world is capable of knowing what God would and wouldn't do. And assuming that the placement of a female soul into a male body is a mistake can be compared to stating that genetic disorders are another mistake made by God. But here's the thing, God doesn't make mistakes, but he does provide trials for us throughout this lifetime that allow us to grow and learn. I am in no position to say that God would or would not put a female soul into a male body. But I am here to say that it is possible and we shouldn't assume that it's not. 

On earth, we are limited to a temporal understanding of eternal concepts. If we assume that we have complete knowledge, we are limiting the beauty and complexity of the eternities.

3. Gender is not a concrete concept.

Gender is definitely fluid. If it wasn't all men would be the same and so would women. But we have to incredible opportunity to develop our own identities. I have the right to decide whether I want to be athletic, quiet, outspoken, submissive, or powerful. Yet humans naturally create categories to organize concepts. When something or someone deviates from our preconceived dichotomy, we freak out and call it unnatural. But the problem usually isn't in that thing or person, it's in the way we feel like they have to fit in some sort of box to be accepted. 

This is especially prominent in regards to gender. We assign each gender colors, activities, and adjectives. Deviation from these categories causes contention, intimidation, and often hatred. And when someone doesn't fit into either category, we get confused. 

Now it wouldn't be a real blog post from me if I didn't include an LDS concept, so here you go. In The Family: A Proclamation to the World we are told that "gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose." Gender is an eternal concept. But once again, I think we are limited by our earthly connotations of gender. Perhaps the eternal definition stretches farther than our earthly understanding. 

4. Transexualism is not "trendy."

Another argument I've seen regarding Caitlyn is that the choice she made was merely because it was a trendy thing. No. Transexualism is not trendy. It is a serious decision that very few people make in their lifetime. It is also commiting oneself to a highly discriminated against community. The decision Caitlyn made was not because it was a cool or hip thing to do. It was a decision made out of stress and anxiety over the male role, and a peace to be discovered in a female one. A person does not make the decision to reassign their gender because of press or money. Caitlyn was struggling and this was the way she found to cope with what she was feeling.

5. Caitlyn is brave.

There is a rumor going around that the runner up for the Arthur Ashe courage award was a war veteran who lost his arm and leg in combat and has competed in athletic competitions despite his disability. Number one this is false; there was no "runner up." Second, one person's bravery does not negate the courage of another. And three, the decision Caitlyn made was brave. 

She decided to desert the life she knew as a man and begin anew as a woman, knowing that she would be met with disgust and hatred along the way. She was true to how she felt, and that takes a lot of courage. She also made the decision to join oppressed and discriminated against communities. The negatively she has faced and will face for being a member of the LGBT community is incredible. Yet, she made the decision to face that negativity because it meant living a happier life for herself, not for anyone else. 

She also decided to join the female community. I've seen statements saying this is a disgrace to women. But think about this. She has chosen to be the target of objectivity and sexualization. She has chosen to be the victim of discrimination and oppression. She has chosen for her accomplishments to be ignored by the media so they can focus on what designer she decided to wear on a given evening. She has chosen to receive 77 cents to the dollar if she decided that she should need to work. This is a life she has chosen, and it's not for fun or glamour. It's for the comfort in her own skin. And it is absolutely ridiculous to say this decision was made lightly. 

6. No matter how you view her choice, it is not your right to judge what she does with her life.

She is not harming anyone. What she has done is not illegal. So please tell me exactly why you think it is your place to tell her that her decision is wrong. Perhaps you don't think that gender reassignment is the best way to deal with these kinds of issues. Or perhaps you believe that this change is a sin of some sort. I'm not here to tell you that you are wrong for thinking those things. But I am here to tell you that a person does not deserve to be hated for a decision that has no effect on you whatsoever.

Think back to when I told you to think about all of the choices you have made in your life and to imagine them being broadcast to the world. Now imagine all of these individuals posting about how your decisions were wrong or harmful. Think about them telling you that the decision you made makes you a disgrace to your community. Do you deserve this? No you don't.

Christ taught us that we are supposed to love our neighbors. There were no stipulations to this commandment. He did not say love them unless their fat, gay, transgender, black, or less intelligent. He said to love everyone. And that's that. It does not matter what you think of the decision that Caitlyn or any other member of the transgender community has made. Remember that love is the most important thing we can do in this life. And that love should not exclude anyone. 

redefining beauty

Something our culture is currently obsessed with is beauty. As a society, we have set an ideal and we think less of those who don't reach it. Women who are generally considered beautiful are tall, thin, have clear skin, luxurious hair and big eyes. Their eyelashes go on for days and their lips are full and pink. Eyebrows are perfectly shaped and stomachs are flat. Men don't escape these ideals either. Men are to be tall and muscular, have chiseled abs and a strong jaw. They are expected to look strong, but not daunting. And these qualities are generally found to be attractive, so we set this standard for everyone.

However, in doing so, we tend to see qualities that aren't contingent with the standard to be unattractive, or not qualifying of the word beautiful.

And people have started to notice this issue. There has been a huge surge of men and women calling for a change. People are all about "redefining beauty." On the surface level I think this is fantastic. Why do we have one definition for what's beautiful? Clearly individuals outside of this definition still qualify.

Take for example, Tess Holliday.


(https://healthnewsandviews.files.wordpress.com/2015/01/tess-munster-tess-holliday.jpg)

Holliday is a plus-size model. She's 5'5", size 22, and absolutely stunning. She has also spearheaded the movement #EffYourBeautyStandards, encouraging women all over the world to embrace their size and beauty.

Another example is Madeline Stuart.


(http://www.popsugar.com/fashion/Madeline-Stuart-Model-Down-Syndrome-37508623#photo-37508627)

Madeline is an 18 year old aspiring model with Down's syndrome. She's totally adorable and another advocate against traditional beauty standards.

Both of these women are creating new ideas of beauty. But this takes us back to the idea of "redefining beauty." Journalists love to use this phrase to describe what these women and what others like them are doing. Bu when you delve deeper into the meaning of these words, they make it seem like these individuals don't actually qualify as beautiful unless the core idea of beauty is changed. It says that they must "redefine beauty" before they can be considered for the title. And even worse, claiming that beauty is in the process of being redefined insinuates that it was capable of having an objective definition in the first place.

We've all heard the quote "beauty is in the eye of the beholder," yet we often disregard it's claim. Beauty is not one thing. Beauty is whatever we want or make it to be. Beauty doesn't have an objective definition no matter how hard we try to give it one. We also get stuck on beauty as something that is professed outwardly. We focus on its visual aspects and ignore its mental, emotional, and spiritual capacity. We define it as a standard of aesthetics, rather than personality traits.  

Merriam-Webster's full definition of the word beauty is "the quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit." This definition leaves the "qualities" in question up to the interpretation of the beholder as to what they find exalting or pleasurable to their senses, mind, and spirit. As individuals we get to decide what we find beautiful, both aesthetically and otherwise. 

I love my crooked nose. I think it's kind of adorable how awkward I become when people compliment me. I have the lankiest limbs. I can be extremely obnoxious. Sometimes I don't filter what I say as best as I should. And guess what. I'm so beautiful. By my own standards, not based on the ideas of others. 

Discover what you find beautiful and discover those things in yourself. When it comes to the definition of beauty, the only one that truly matters is your own.

mormon sexuality

We live in a world where female sexuality is pretty taboo. Living in the Mormon world, it is especially ignored. We don't talk about it, because if we don't, it doesn't exist right? Nope. In fact, the less we talk about it, the more strife it brings on young women trying to figure it all out.

Men have been painted as sexual beings throughout time. It is understood that men are often bombarded with thoughts about sex and often use these thoughts to determine their behaviors. It's normal for men to be viewed this way and everyone seems to just accept it. As members of the church, we often acknowledge this struggle and try to find ways to convenience them. My least favorite is the argument that modesty in clothing is important because it will help young men have cleaner thoughts. Debunking that teaching could be a whole other blog post if I wanted, but I digress.

As an LDS community, we do not like to think of women as being sexual. As much as we avoid the topic of sex in the first place, sex and its relation to women is ignored even more.

But here's the truth. Humans are sexual beings. This includes women. And ignoring that fact is making life for young girls more difficult than it really should be.

First of all, as a Mormon community, I feel like we need to be more open about sex in general. We go from being single youth and young adults who are supposed to regard sex as something off limits both in action and in thought, to being young, married, and totally lost. This shift from sex being taboo to sex being regarded as something beautiful and God-given is jarring and can cause issues in a relationship. The problem here is not the initial view of sex being something to avoid before marriage in order to stay morally pure or the view that after marriage it is a way to strengthen a relationship and keep commandments. The issue is the sudden change that does not allow for adjustment.

This can be solved by creating an environment for youth and young adults in the church in which sex is regarded as a natural human instinct—one that we can resist and avoid until the time is right, but one that we should not be ashamed of. But when we avoid the topic all together, we sometimes don't even understand our own shame. And this can scare people from asking questions because they don't want to be the one to bring it up. The conversation about sex in the Mormon community is seemingly closed and not looking to be opened.

Though I do not want to belittle the struggles that men face, I do believe women in the church are facing further difficulties due to the views of the world. Male sexuality is more accepted both in and outside of the church, while female sexuality is avoided in both regards. This makes it even more difficult for young women to be open about their feelings and urges.

As I stated before, women are sexual beings and we need to make this a more open topic of discussion with each other.

As a young women, I honestly didn't struggle with this too much. I have always been attracted to men, but I never really felt much of a need to act on it until more recently. In high school, I rarely dated and my first kiss wasn't until after I had graduated. I didn't struggle with my sexuality because it wasn't something at the forefront of my mind. But as I have witnessed young women from back home and the women I'm around on a daily basis where I currently live, I've begun to recognize that these are issues we need to be open about.

As a result of ignoring female sexuality, I have noticed that more and more young girls are beginning to experiment for themselves rather than ask questions. This is leading them to places and situations they don't need to be in. If they felt more comfortable asking questions and talking to their parents and leaders about this issues, perhaps we would encounter less of these issues. We need to facilitate an environment of trust and understanding that allows young girls (and boys) to ask questions regarding their sexuality and how to deal with it.

We are sexual beings. We don't like to say it, but we are. Sex is a common motivator for our behavior and it's something we encounter often in our thoughts. We need to stop pretending like it isn't something we're all dealing with. Open conversation could be the difference in someone's eternal progression and we need to facilitate that.

inexhaustible magic

Words have a very strange way of being thrilling, inspiring and absolutely terrifying all at the same time. As Albus Dumbledore once said, “Words are, in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it.” (J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows). This quote has always stuck out to me. I think this is mostly because I absolutely love the Harry Potter series and it has made me feel like a part of the magic. But it has a lot of truth to it. I have so much power in something that I use everyday. I can use my words to love or to harm, to uplift or to tear down. Words have so much strength, yet we frequently throw them out without thinking of the damage we could be causing and often not recognizing the lives we could be changing. 

It's incredible to think that just 26 letters in the English language can be combined in infinite patterns with infinite meanings. With the same letters you can tell someone "I love you" or "O evil you" which is a really silly example. But 8 letters when rearranged can have entirely different meanings. So it just makes sense that we should put a lot of care into the way we organize them. 

And we have the power to use words every day of our lives. We are able to shape the world around us by the way we rearrange a compilation of 26 characters. And we forget that we have this power. We take it for granted and we misuse it. And sometimes we don't use it at all.

Silence can often be even more powerful than words themselves. And sometimes in silence we lose the power we could have had. 

The power of silence is that it allows for thought. When we are constantly talking, we allow little time for us to think about what we are saying. I've been known to ramble, especially when I feel uncomfortable. In these times I lose sight of my thought process and just allow words to escape without full acknowledgement of what I may be saying. If I were to be more silent in these times, I could conjure up words that I really want to say. Words with more meaning and strength, rather than incomplete or incoherent notions which poured out of my mouth before I knew what I was doing. Silence also gives the listener time to think. Just imagine if we felt more comfortable with silence, how much more meaningful our interactions would be. We could think more clearly and communicate more efficiently. 

Yet, we find ourselves struggling to allow silence. We have to be constantly engaged and active in our interactions. We've deemed silence as "awkward." Some people feel so uncomfortable with these silences that they choose to break them, even if they aren't adding anything meaningful. We destroy the silence to make ourselves feel more comfortable in the moment, when we could be allowing the silence to continue to improve our future.

Because the truth is silence can be so healing. It gives us time to compose ourselves and come to terms with whatever we may be dealing with. It allows us to think clearly and organize our thoughts. But it can also be damaging. There always comes a point in time when silence needs to be broken. And often we get to that point and we shut down. We allow the silence to continue for longer than we should and this can be dangerous.

The more negative side of silence's power is the time it allows us to dwell on our thoughts. Yes, it can heal, but it can also hurt. And when we are given too much time to think about certain things, we can end up coming to stressful conclusions. Its incredible how silence, the absence of noise which is essentially nothing at all, can fill up a room and cause us to suffocate. 

And when we are the one's elongating the silence, we are giving up our power. We are allowing other individuals to interpret our thoughts and feelings. Essentially we are handing over the power our words could have and we are allowing them to interpret something we haven't even said. And when we do this, we know we are giving up our power and we know that these individuals will jump to conclusions and allow themselves to suffer, all while we have the words that could clear the air. Yet, sometimes we get prideful or scared that our words may just be too damaging to share. 

The truth can definitely hurt, but the absence of the truth can be even worse. And as hard as it is to tell the truth or come forward about feelings or confess wrongdoing, it is so important that we do it. And it is so essential that when we do break the silence, we do it at the right time and with the right words. And we will mess up and we will hurt people, but we will learn and we can do better.

Make sure your words are thought out and make sure they will do good. Allow for silence, but know when to break it. It's not an exact science, it's more of an art, or even magic, that we have not yet mastered. And we just have to keeping trying. 

begin with the journey in mind

Yesterday, one of my professors took the opportunity to spend the entire two hour lecture focusing on graduate school and our future in psychology. He spoke on the things that helped him throughout his career, how grit, intellect, and practice interact to create success. He gave us incredible advice, but in all honesty, this class period was just plain exhausting. I felt like I was on a roller coaster of emotion and stress. His words terrified me, discouraged me, uplifted me, and inspired me all at the same time. Ultimately, I left the class confused as to what I want, but somehow still determined to discover it. 

One of the things he shared was that we need to find the thing that we think about when we don't have anything else to think about, and then pursue that. We will most likely live our entire lives doing one thing. It makes no sense to be doing something that we do not love or believe in. But the trouble here is finding what that is, what we think about when we don't have to think about anything else. And the truth is, I don't really know what that is. And that terrifies me as well. After two decades of life, I am being forced to choose what I would like to spend the rest of my life doing. And though I have direction, I'm still incredibly confused.

And I honestly just don't want to decide right now. 

Right now, I want to travel the world. I want to discover beauty in nature, in humans, in service. I want to try new foods. I want to do new things and live life on the edge. I want to skydive. I want to ride a motorcycle. I want to swim with dolphins and learn to play the ukulele. I want to dye my hair purple and kiss a stranger. I want to live on the beach and only care about the sand between my toes.

I want to live for myself right now, not for myself in the future. And that may seem incredibly irresponsible. But how am I ever going to discover my purpose, my loves, or my beliefs if I haven't even discovered myself? 

You always hear about how college is a time for self-discovery. Yet, I feel more like I am being stifled than being given the opportunity to explore. 

But exploration takes resources that I don't really have, money and time that I cannot afford to spend. And the truth is, I don't think I could do it. As much as I want to, dropping everything and taking a break would be just as scary as not doing so. I don't know how to live without a plan for the future. Ever since I was a child, I've been conditioned to plan and prepare for things. My elementary education was preparing me for middle school, my middle school education was priming me for my high school IB program. The IB program was entirely focused on my success in college. 

My English teacher my junior year of high school drove the idea that we must begin everything with the end in mind. This makes a lot of sense. You're only going to get somewhere if you know where you're going. But what if the end you have in mind, isn't actually what you expect it to be? Then you've taken an entire journey to arrive at a place you don't want to be. So maybe we shouldn't begin with the end in mind, or perhaps that end shouldn't be so specific. Maybe we should begin with the journey in mind. That way, we are able to live in the moment and enjoy the time we have. Because the truth is, you never know if that journey is going to be cut short, if you'll hit roadblocks, or if you'll end up having to turn around. I think that if we focus on the journey we're taking and not where it's taking us, we just might end up where we want to be. And I have a hard time accepting that. My whole life has been future oriented. And that isn't necessarily a problem, but it keeps me from experiencing and appreciating those experiences. 

When we focus our energy on the future, we forget the present. And the truth is now is what really matters. The past and the future are just thoughts we are having in the present. The present is what we have right now, so we should probably make as much of it as we can. 

causing contention

I have previously written on dealing with anxiety and the roles it has played in my life (which you can find here). But I'd like to talk about another way in which anxiety has effected my life.

I'm not a very approachable person. I suffer from what is commonly known as resting b**** face, or RBF. I can be incredibly intimidating due to this, my height, and my overwhelming beauty *hair flip* (or maybe it's the fact that I'm arrogant? who knows.) But essentially, it's hard for me to make friends. The thing is, I never really learned how. I've known my best friend since 2nd grade. We spent so much of elementary school, and basically all of middle and high school together. Of course I made other friends throughout this time, but it was often after being around them for a good period of time. I had known everyone for so long that becoming friends didn't follow a standard process. So when I came out to Utah for school, I was thrown for a loop. It seemed like the only friends I really made were the ones I was given. These included my roommates and the guys interested in my roommates. Which isn't something I'm necessarily complaining about, because they are all wonderful people. But I still never really learned how to interact and become friends with people I wasn't seeing on a near daily basis. Moving off campus has been an interesting experience in that I've had to step out of my comfort zone a bit in order to make friends, but I still don't think I'm fully there.

My main issue is that I worry too much about seeming overly attached to people. I don't want to scare them away with my friendship so I don't put in enough effort. And then I'm stuck in the limbo area of wanting to be friends with someone and wanting to hang out with them but not knowing whether they feel the same way or even consider us friends at all.

Being in this indeterminate region of friendship, I find myself being extremely cautious about my actions and words. In fact, you know I feel comfortable with our friendship when I stop censoring and start insulting you. (This isn't an exact science though; I've been known for my lack of a verbal filter). But essentially, I don't want to offend anyone, and even more I don't want to bring attention to situations in which someone offends me.

I've noticed something about myself in the past and present. I will allow people to say and do things despite their offensive nature due to my desire to maintain a tranquil atmosphere. I hate causing contention and I hate drama. I'd much rather suffer in silence than cause issues with someone I care about. And because of this I've allowed people to get away with saying and doing things that I really shouldn't have. Even worse, I've become desensitized to certain comments and actions because I'm used to getting them and brushing them off. And every so often, I do stand up for myself and I end up getting labeled as sassy or dramatic, which just encourages me to remain silent in the future. And to an extent, staying quiet and remaining calm in these situations is better for a relationship than causing unnecessary strife. But there is also a point when you have to set aside your desire for peace and let people know how you feel about certain things that they are saying and doing. No one should have to put up with being treated in a way they don't appreciate.

I've been working on being more vocal about certain things and so far it's been a little rough. For the most part, I just make people upset with me. But wood doesn't become smooth without sandpaper and sand isn't soft without the waves. Sometimes causing contention in the present is essential to avoiding it in the future. And that doesn't make anyone sassy or oversensitive; it just makes them a human who is finally standing up for their worth.

dating advice from a girl who doesn't date

As I was not paying attention one day in class and texting the guy sitting next to me because this is the modern age and people do such things, we stumbled upon the topic of dating and how it relates to our culture. This has been a topic in the back of my mind pretty much since I stepped foot into Utah as a college student for the first time. At BYU, you are constantly bombarded with ideas of marriage and dating. You cannot escape the pressure, especially in young single adult wards. At the mere age of barely 20, I feel like I am less or that I'm slacking if I am not going on dates on a regular basis. Due to the lack of interest I receive from males, I end up feeling like there is something wrong with me. Which is totally wrong. If anything, it's the other way around. Just kidding. Maybe...

But even stronger than the push to date and get married, is the pressure to do so at a young age. I know of people under the age of 25 who have thought they are somehow worth less due to their relationship status. This norm and the pressure associated with it, absolutely terrify me. The average age that a BYU student gets married is 22 (compared to the national average at 25 for men and 27 for women). That gives me two years to be entirely prepared to make an eternal commitment to someone if I am to fit to the average. And if I was set on being average, that is quite the time crunch.

But this pressure really gets you thinking about what a healthy relationship dynamic truly requires, which is exactly the topic my friend and I ended up on. It started with him being worried about his summer ward being full of engaged girls and how he would be able to ask out girls in his classes without being awkward about it. First of all, I feel like dating is only as awkward as we make it. If we play it cool and are straight forward about our intentions and desires, we may not eliminate the awkwardness, but it will be much more worth it. And therefore, we will feel less awkward. Second, sometimes we just have to embrace the awkwardness, because great things will happen when we do. One of the most awkward things I have ever done was stumble about my words as I was trying to tell this guy, later my boyfriend, that I liked him. I laughed when I shouldn't have and it probably took me a solid 5 minutes to form coherent thoughts. I didn't even completely relay what I was trying to. But the key to this story is that he did end up my boyfriend. Good things came from me being a bumbling idiot. It was totally awkward, he got a kick out of it, but it ended up working out (for about a month...). Awkwardness can lead to some great things.

But back to the guy in my class worried about his dating life. He continued to express his concerns with developing a friendship before progressing to a dating relationship. I honestly found this view quite refreshing. In a culture in which it is the norm to start dating (and sometimes even marry) before you really know a person, it's nice to see that some people still value developing a connection before acting on attraction. But I still think that this view can be flawed. I totally understand his desire, and might say that it is one of mine as well. But you cannot discount the fluidity of relationships. You can develop friendship before or after a romantic relationship is developed. The trick is trying not to worry too much about the logistics and let nature take it's course.

There is a certain nature of relationships that has to be taken into account. There is a natural connection or as pop culture refers to it, spark between two people that can lead them to having a stronger relationship. And this is why we date in the first place. You cannot just decide on a person without getting to know someone and recognize whether that connection is present or not. Which unfortunately, makes dating a crucial aspect of relationship development, no matter how stressful or awkward it may be.

And once the nature of a relationship is established, there are also ways that we can learn from nature as well. It's kind of a silly metaphor, but a relationship is a lot like nature. It has a natural flow, calm, and peace to it. And that peace can be disrupted by some pretty violent storms. A lot of times, we let these seemingly fatal disasters ruin something when it could have just been a lesson. There is a certain resilience that can be learned from nature as it faces disaster. It has a way of growing back stronger after disastrous events, incited by nature itself and by mankind. From this we learn the valuable lesson of taking the trials in our lives, whether related to relationships or not, and learning and growing from them. The strongest couples are the ones that are able to face disaster and use it to grow closer together rather than letting it tear them apart.

But there is a third party at work here as well. Since I'm talking about dating in BYU culture, I don't feel bad about bringing religion into this. I am a firm believer that, for the most part, two people can develop a strong, healthy relationship, as long as both are focused on God. When two individuals have a stronger focus on God than they do each other, they will have the opportunity to grow exponentially in their love for each other. A love of God will lead to more openness to revelation, increased love for others, and a stronger focus on eternal goals. One of the most important lessons we can learn from God is of love. He loves all of his children despite their differences, their faults, and their beliefs. Once we learn how to view others the way God does, we are able to love the way He does. Everyone has divine nature and qualities and everyone is deserving of love. And I think this can be an important influence in a relationship dynamic. If we are able to view our companion in a more God-like manner, we will have an increase of love for them. If both of the individuals have this relationship with God and understanding of the way he wants us to view his children, they will be able to increase in love for each other. They will also understand what God desires for them and what direction their relationship should continue in. They will be able to face trials with not only their own strength, but the strength of God on their side.

God makes everything stronger. He can empower us as individuals, couples, cultures, and nations. With a focus on Him we can find strength, power, and love in every aspect of our lives. If dating is working out for us, we can be strengthened in our relationships through Him. And if dating isn't really working out, through Him, we can develop stronger love for ourselves despite this slightly unhealthy Mormon culture pointing out our flaws.