When I was in elementary school, I was very proud of my height. I was the tallest kid in my class for several years and I even remember being devastated when one of my classmates outgrew me. My freckles were constellations illustrating my features. I loved to dance and sing. I liked musicals and hot wheel cars. I was awkward and laughed at everything, but it was okay because I was myself and that's all that mattered.
Elementary school was a glorious time of freedom. It was a time when cares didn't press on your shoulders. You can run like the wind and play among the stars. You can look, think, and feel however you want. Learning is fun and the world is ready to be explored.
But as you grow up, the world becomes bigger and more harsh. You become confined by standards and comparisons. Instead of looking at a thing of beauty and recognizing what you can become, you recognize what you are not. Learning becomes difficult and the world doesn't seem as accessible as it once did.
College is different than elementary school, especially when you attend a school with such a strong culture. BYU is a wonderful school and I'm so glad I came here, but it's not as perfect as some people would like to think it is. The truth is, going to BYU can be really hard on your self-esteem and self-image. I'd like to think of myself as a pretty confident person. I have accepted who I am and I know my worth. But I wouldn't be writing this if I believed it 100% of the time.
I want to talk about some aspects of the BYU/Mormon culture that have made it hard for me (and probably others) to really feel secure in self-worth, both individually and collectively.
Righteousness/Personal Growth
In addition to the typical academic competition present at university, BYU has an added aspect of religious competition. If you are LDS (which about 99% of us are) you are constantly surrounded by people who share your beliefs. In this kind of environment, it is difficult to avoid comparing yourself with your friends and peers. In these comparisons there is often a feeling of singularity. Everyone else is doing so well, and I am alone in my struggles. And when you combine these feelings of inadequacy and solidarity, self-esteem is arduous to maintain.
This time in our lives should be about our personal spiritual growth. This growth cannot be meaningful if accomplished through competition. You can only truly grow when you are seeking progression for the sake of progress and out of your love of God. Competition is fueled by love of man and reputation, thus advancement with this motivation is not divine. We need to recognize that though we are all running the same race, there aren't prizes for those who finish first. God loves us whether we are leading the pack or falling behind. He even loves us when we wander off the trail. Religion is not a competition, so we need to stop playing it like there's a trophy to win.
Dating
Please don't ever ask me why I am single. Besides not actually having a strong answer to that question, it implies that there is something wrong with the fact that I am not currently in a relationship. There's not.
During one of my very first church meetings at BYU two years ago, the women in the ward were given the counsel to "date boys." Yep, it was that blunt. (Please note: this is definitely not the only time I have or will receive this advice, it's everywhere). I have done a poor job following this counsel, sometimes by my own personal choice, sometimes not. But the pressure of dating and marriage is overwhelming. And this can even be tied into my previous complaint. The LDS church is built on the organization of the family. It is seen as and is the ultimate goal of our time in this mortal life. But this ties our dating habits to our to our religious behavior and belief. If you are not going on dates regularly, it can almost be seen as sacrilegious.
The Lord's timing for each of us is personal and different. Whether we are married, dating, or wondering why we haven't been asked out in months, the Lord loves us and has a plan for us. We need to trust His timing and know that dating doesn't make or break our religious well-being. It's a fierce competition here in Provo, but once again there are not winners and losers. I am no more or less based on my relationship status.
Happiness
It has been said (and empirically documented) that Mormon's have a certain glow about them. We are a happy people. We face trial with optimism and see light in the darkness and it doesn't go unnoticed. But with this stereotype comes the challenge to uphold it. If you follow a Mormon on Instagram or are friends with one on Facebook you have probably seen how "blessed" and "grateful" they are. And these are not bad things to be, but it becomes damaging when you feel you have to suppress negative emotion to be or pretend to be so.
There is a huge pressure to be happy all the time, and when you're not, to feign that you are. Specifically as a Mormon girl, you are supposed to be peppy about life with your hair in curls and your skirt to your knees. Problem one, my hair is perpetually straight and curling takes too much effort. Problem two, I'm not always happy. In fact, I'm often stressed or irritated. I don't always (or ever) fit the cute, happy Mormon girl mold. And I don't really mind that I don't either, but it can cause me to lose sight of my place in the Mormon community as a whole.
There should not be a mold. The word "Mormon" shouldn't evoke thoughts of stereotypes, but thoughts of spirituality, diversity, and love. I shouldn't feel the need to adorn myself in a constant smile and mint green statement necklace to feel like I belong. If you are not happy all the time, you don't have to pretend that you are. And if you are happy, you don't have to tell the social media world if you don't want to.
There is not a checklist to be a good Mormon. You don't have to do certain things every day. You don't have to be with the love of your life right now. You don't have to put on a smile if it gets too hard to do so. You are not worth less based on the number of people ahead of you. You are not worth less if you don't fit the mold. Life isn't a race, it's a journey to make at your own pace. And Mormonism isn't a stereotype, it's a belief system.
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