I have previously written on dealing with anxiety and the roles it has played in my life (which you can find here). But I'd like to talk about another way in which anxiety has effected my life.
I'm not a very approachable person. I suffer from what is commonly known as resting b**** face, or RBF. I can be incredibly intimidating due to this, my height, and my overwhelming beauty *hair flip* (or maybe it's the fact that I'm arrogant? who knows.) But essentially, it's hard for me to make friends. The thing is, I never really learned how. I've known my best friend since 2nd grade. We spent so much of elementary school, and basically all of middle and high school together. Of course I made other friends throughout this time, but it was often after being around them for a good period of time. I had known everyone for so long that becoming friends didn't follow a standard process. So when I came out to Utah for school, I was thrown for a loop. It seemed like the only friends I really made were the ones I was given. These included my roommates and the guys interested in my roommates. Which isn't something I'm necessarily complaining about, because they are all wonderful people. But I still never really learned how to interact and become friends with people I wasn't seeing on a near daily basis. Moving off campus has been an interesting experience in that I've had to step out of my comfort zone a bit in order to make friends, but I still don't think I'm fully there.
My main issue is that I worry too much about seeming overly attached to people. I don't want to scare them away with my friendship so I don't put in enough effort. And then I'm stuck in the limbo area of wanting to be friends with someone and wanting to hang out with them but not knowing whether they feel the same way or even consider us friends at all.
Being in this indeterminate region of friendship, I find myself being extremely cautious about my actions and words. In fact, you know I feel comfortable with our friendship when I stop censoring and start insulting you. (This isn't an exact science though; I've been known for my lack of a verbal filter). But essentially, I don't want to offend anyone, and even more I don't want to bring attention to situations in which someone offends me.
I've noticed something about myself in the past and present. I will allow people to say and do things despite their offensive nature due to my desire to maintain a tranquil atmosphere. I hate causing contention and I hate drama. I'd much rather suffer in silence than cause issues with someone I care about. And because of this I've allowed people to get away with saying and doing things that I really shouldn't have. Even worse, I've become desensitized to certain comments and actions because I'm used to getting them and brushing them off. And every so often, I do stand up for myself and I end up getting labeled as sassy or dramatic, which just encourages me to remain silent in the future. And to an extent, staying quiet and remaining calm in these situations is better for a relationship than causing unnecessary strife. But there is also a point when you have to set aside your desire for peace and let people know how you feel about certain things that they are saying and doing. No one should have to put up with being treated in a way they don't appreciate.
I've been working on being more vocal about certain things and so far it's been a little rough. For the most part, I just make people upset with me. But wood doesn't become smooth without sandpaper and sand isn't soft without the waves. Sometimes causing contention in the present is essential to avoiding it in the future. And that doesn't make anyone sassy or oversensitive; it just makes them a human who is finally standing up for their worth.
Monday, March 16, 2015
Friday, March 6, 2015
dating advice from a girl who doesn't date
As I was not paying attention one day in class and texting the guy sitting next to me because this is the modern age and people do such things, we stumbled upon the topic of dating and how it relates to our culture. This has been a topic in the back of my mind pretty much since I stepped foot into Utah as a college student for the first time. At BYU, you are constantly bombarded with ideas of marriage and dating. You cannot escape the pressure, especially in young single adult wards. At the mere age of barely 20, I feel like I am less or that I'm slacking if I am not going on dates on a regular basis. Due to the lack of interest I receive from males, I end up feeling like there is something wrong with me. Which is totally wrong. If anything, it's the other way around. Just kidding. Maybe...
But even stronger than the push to date and get married, is the pressure to do so at a young age. I know of people under the age of 25 who have thought they are somehow worth less due to their relationship status. This norm and the pressure associated with it, absolutely terrify me. The average age that a BYU student gets married is 22 (compared to the national average at 25 for men and 27 for women). That gives me two years to be entirely prepared to make an eternal commitment to someone if I am to fit to the average. And if I was set on being average, that is quite the time crunch.
But this pressure really gets you thinking about what a healthy relationship dynamic truly requires, which is exactly the topic my friend and I ended up on. It started with him being worried about his summer ward being full of engaged girls and how he would be able to ask out girls in his classes without being awkward about it. First of all, I feel like dating is only as awkward as we make it. If we play it cool and are straight forward about our intentions and desires, we may not eliminate the awkwardness, but it will be much more worth it. And therefore, we will feel less awkward. Second, sometimes we just have to embrace the awkwardness, because great things will happen when we do. One of the most awkward things I have ever done was stumble about my words as I was trying to tell this guy, later my boyfriend, that I liked him. I laughed when I shouldn't have and it probably took me a solid 5 minutes to form coherent thoughts. I didn't even completely relay what I was trying to. But the key to this story is that he did end up my boyfriend. Good things came from me being a bumbling idiot. It was totally awkward, he got a kick out of it, but it ended up working out (for about a month...). Awkwardness can lead to some great things.
But back to the guy in my class worried about his dating life. He continued to express his concerns with developing a friendship before progressing to a dating relationship. I honestly found this view quite refreshing. In a culture in which it is the norm to start dating (and sometimes even marry) before you really know a person, it's nice to see that some people still value developing a connection before acting on attraction. But I still think that this view can be flawed. I totally understand his desire, and might say that it is one of mine as well. But you cannot discount the fluidity of relationships. You can develop friendship before or after a romantic relationship is developed. The trick is trying not to worry too much about the logistics and let nature take it's course.
There is a certain nature of relationships that has to be taken into account. There is a natural connection or as pop culture refers to it, spark between two people that can lead them to having a stronger relationship. And this is why we date in the first place. You cannot just decide on a person without getting to know someone and recognize whether that connection is present or not. Which unfortunately, makes dating a crucial aspect of relationship development, no matter how stressful or awkward it may be.
And once the nature of a relationship is established, there are also ways that we can learn from nature as well. It's kind of a silly metaphor, but a relationship is a lot like nature. It has a natural flow, calm, and peace to it. And that peace can be disrupted by some pretty violent storms. A lot of times, we let these seemingly fatal disasters ruin something when it could have just been a lesson. There is a certain resilience that can be learned from nature as it faces disaster. It has a way of growing back stronger after disastrous events, incited by nature itself and by mankind. From this we learn the valuable lesson of taking the trials in our lives, whether related to relationships or not, and learning and growing from them. The strongest couples are the ones that are able to face disaster and use it to grow closer together rather than letting it tear them apart.
But there is a third party at work here as well. Since I'm talking about dating in BYU culture, I don't feel bad about bringing religion into this. I am a firm believer that, for the most part, two people can develop a strong, healthy relationship, as long as both are focused on God. When two individuals have a stronger focus on God than they do each other, they will have the opportunity to grow exponentially in their love for each other. A love of God will lead to more openness to revelation, increased love for others, and a stronger focus on eternal goals. One of the most important lessons we can learn from God is of love. He loves all of his children despite their differences, their faults, and their beliefs. Once we learn how to view others the way God does, we are able to love the way He does. Everyone has divine nature and qualities and everyone is deserving of love. And I think this can be an important influence in a relationship dynamic. If we are able to view our companion in a more God-like manner, we will have an increase of love for them. If both of the individuals have this relationship with God and understanding of the way he wants us to view his children, they will be able to increase in love for each other. They will also understand what God desires for them and what direction their relationship should continue in. They will be able to face trials with not only their own strength, but the strength of God on their side.
God makes everything stronger. He can empower us as individuals, couples, cultures, and nations. With a focus on Him we can find strength, power, and love in every aspect of our lives. If dating is working out for us, we can be strengthened in our relationships through Him. And if dating isn't really working out, through Him, we can develop stronger love for ourselves despite this slightly unhealthy Mormon culture pointing out our flaws.
But even stronger than the push to date and get married, is the pressure to do so at a young age. I know of people under the age of 25 who have thought they are somehow worth less due to their relationship status. This norm and the pressure associated with it, absolutely terrify me. The average age that a BYU student gets married is 22 (compared to the national average at 25 for men and 27 for women). That gives me two years to be entirely prepared to make an eternal commitment to someone if I am to fit to the average. And if I was set on being average, that is quite the time crunch.
But this pressure really gets you thinking about what a healthy relationship dynamic truly requires, which is exactly the topic my friend and I ended up on. It started with him being worried about his summer ward being full of engaged girls and how he would be able to ask out girls in his classes without being awkward about it. First of all, I feel like dating is only as awkward as we make it. If we play it cool and are straight forward about our intentions and desires, we may not eliminate the awkwardness, but it will be much more worth it. And therefore, we will feel less awkward. Second, sometimes we just have to embrace the awkwardness, because great things will happen when we do. One of the most awkward things I have ever done was stumble about my words as I was trying to tell this guy, later my boyfriend, that I liked him. I laughed when I shouldn't have and it probably took me a solid 5 minutes to form coherent thoughts. I didn't even completely relay what I was trying to. But the key to this story is that he did end up my boyfriend. Good things came from me being a bumbling idiot. It was totally awkward, he got a kick out of it, but it ended up working out (for about a month...). Awkwardness can lead to some great things.
But back to the guy in my class worried about his dating life. He continued to express his concerns with developing a friendship before progressing to a dating relationship. I honestly found this view quite refreshing. In a culture in which it is the norm to start dating (and sometimes even marry) before you really know a person, it's nice to see that some people still value developing a connection before acting on attraction. But I still think that this view can be flawed. I totally understand his desire, and might say that it is one of mine as well. But you cannot discount the fluidity of relationships. You can develop friendship before or after a romantic relationship is developed. The trick is trying not to worry too much about the logistics and let nature take it's course.
There is a certain nature of relationships that has to be taken into account. There is a natural connection or as pop culture refers to it, spark between two people that can lead them to having a stronger relationship. And this is why we date in the first place. You cannot just decide on a person without getting to know someone and recognize whether that connection is present or not. Which unfortunately, makes dating a crucial aspect of relationship development, no matter how stressful or awkward it may be.
And once the nature of a relationship is established, there are also ways that we can learn from nature as well. It's kind of a silly metaphor, but a relationship is a lot like nature. It has a natural flow, calm, and peace to it. And that peace can be disrupted by some pretty violent storms. A lot of times, we let these seemingly fatal disasters ruin something when it could have just been a lesson. There is a certain resilience that can be learned from nature as it faces disaster. It has a way of growing back stronger after disastrous events, incited by nature itself and by mankind. From this we learn the valuable lesson of taking the trials in our lives, whether related to relationships or not, and learning and growing from them. The strongest couples are the ones that are able to face disaster and use it to grow closer together rather than letting it tear them apart.
But there is a third party at work here as well. Since I'm talking about dating in BYU culture, I don't feel bad about bringing religion into this. I am a firm believer that, for the most part, two people can develop a strong, healthy relationship, as long as both are focused on God. When two individuals have a stronger focus on God than they do each other, they will have the opportunity to grow exponentially in their love for each other. A love of God will lead to more openness to revelation, increased love for others, and a stronger focus on eternal goals. One of the most important lessons we can learn from God is of love. He loves all of his children despite their differences, their faults, and their beliefs. Once we learn how to view others the way God does, we are able to love the way He does. Everyone has divine nature and qualities and everyone is deserving of love. And I think this can be an important influence in a relationship dynamic. If we are able to view our companion in a more God-like manner, we will have an increase of love for them. If both of the individuals have this relationship with God and understanding of the way he wants us to view his children, they will be able to increase in love for each other. They will also understand what God desires for them and what direction their relationship should continue in. They will be able to face trials with not only their own strength, but the strength of God on their side.
God makes everything stronger. He can empower us as individuals, couples, cultures, and nations. With a focus on Him we can find strength, power, and love in every aspect of our lives. If dating is working out for us, we can be strengthened in our relationships through Him. And if dating isn't really working out, through Him, we can develop stronger love for ourselves despite this slightly unhealthy Mormon culture pointing out our flaws.
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