causing contention

I have previously written on dealing with anxiety and the roles it has played in my life (which you can find here). But I'd like to talk about another way in which anxiety has effected my life.

I'm not a very approachable person. I suffer from what is commonly known as resting b**** face, or RBF. I can be incredibly intimidating due to this, my height, and my overwhelming beauty *hair flip* (or maybe it's the fact that I'm arrogant? who knows.) But essentially, it's hard for me to make friends. The thing is, I never really learned how. I've known my best friend since 2nd grade. We spent so much of elementary school, and basically all of middle and high school together. Of course I made other friends throughout this time, but it was often after being around them for a good period of time. I had known everyone for so long that becoming friends didn't follow a standard process. So when I came out to Utah for school, I was thrown for a loop. It seemed like the only friends I really made were the ones I was given. These included my roommates and the guys interested in my roommates. Which isn't something I'm necessarily complaining about, because they are all wonderful people. But I still never really learned how to interact and become friends with people I wasn't seeing on a near daily basis. Moving off campus has been an interesting experience in that I've had to step out of my comfort zone a bit in order to make friends, but I still don't think I'm fully there.

My main issue is that I worry too much about seeming overly attached to people. I don't want to scare them away with my friendship so I don't put in enough effort. And then I'm stuck in the limbo area of wanting to be friends with someone and wanting to hang out with them but not knowing whether they feel the same way or even consider us friends at all.

Being in this indeterminate region of friendship, I find myself being extremely cautious about my actions and words. In fact, you know I feel comfortable with our friendship when I stop censoring and start insulting you. (This isn't an exact science though; I've been known for my lack of a verbal filter). But essentially, I don't want to offend anyone, and even more I don't want to bring attention to situations in which someone offends me.

I've noticed something about myself in the past and present. I will allow people to say and do things despite their offensive nature due to my desire to maintain a tranquil atmosphere. I hate causing contention and I hate drama. I'd much rather suffer in silence than cause issues with someone I care about. And because of this I've allowed people to get away with saying and doing things that I really shouldn't have. Even worse, I've become desensitized to certain comments and actions because I'm used to getting them and brushing them off. And every so often, I do stand up for myself and I end up getting labeled as sassy or dramatic, which just encourages me to remain silent in the future. And to an extent, staying quiet and remaining calm in these situations is better for a relationship than causing unnecessary strife. But there is also a point when you have to set aside your desire for peace and let people know how you feel about certain things that they are saying and doing. No one should have to put up with being treated in a way they don't appreciate.

I've been working on being more vocal about certain things and so far it's been a little rough. For the most part, I just make people upset with me. But wood doesn't become smooth without sandpaper and sand isn't soft without the waves. Sometimes causing contention in the present is essential to avoiding it in the future. And that doesn't make anyone sassy or oversensitive; it just makes them a human who is finally standing up for their worth.