shame and the gospel

Recently, I have had lots of questions regarding the gospel. They vary in topic and most I keep to myself. But about a month and a half ago, I got the nerve to throw some of these questions into the strange void that is twitter.com. Here is a screengrab of part of that thread (yes, my name here is "freakin bats." please try to ignore that):

I posed these questions partially hoping for people to respond with their perspectives but mostly just to throw out some thoughts I was having in hopes I wasn't alone in questioning things. Side note: If you have thoughts on Heavenly Mother and both the doctrine and culture surrounding her, I would love to chat.

However, the response that struck me most, was from a girl who has since blocked me and protected her tweets so I cannot include a screenshot of her reply. She indicated that she was tired of sacred things being questioned and called out as sexism. She felt that if I were faithful enough, these questions would not matter. And naturally, I was pretty upset. I felt like she was saying that my questions and concerns were not worth discussing and that my inquiry was due to a lack of faith. And I felt the opposite. I felt that I had faith in something and someone I do not know much about. I was asking questions, from my perspective, to gain understanding about something I feel very strongly about. And my questions were tossed to the curb and labeled as unfaithful. It hurt.

Questions and doubts are topics that are briefly discussed by church leaders. We are told to doubt our doubts (ref) and questioning in public spaces is discouraged. We are told that having questions is normal but are dismissed when we ask the hard ones. Most questions starting with the word "why" are answered with the direction to pray and gain a testimony for ourselves. And these things aren't inherently wrong, they are just limiting. Hard questions obviously are tough to answer. And I think that often, the questions we ask are questions the people we are asking have as well. But I wish that didn't have to mean we stay quiet.

I want to know why I am not supposed to say certain words. I want an explanation of how a few inches difference in hemline can determine righteousness. I want someone to explain to me why some forms of caffeine are acceptable while others are not. I don't want to follow commandments without understanding them. To me, the commandment to love one another seems like the most, if not the only important one, yet the most ignored. And I just want to understand why the directions we're given that to me seem petty or annoyingly specific get more attention than commandments as simple and powerful as love.

The fact that I am not satisfied with blind obedience may be a personality quirk, but I have the feeling I am not alone in feeling this way. In fact, I am sure that many people have these same questions in addition to many of their own. And I think it's leading many, especially individuals around my age, to leave the church altogether.

By leaving questions unanswered and unaddressed, we tell people that they need to figure things out on their own. And they may come out of that with stronger faith and a better understanding. But they could also end up confused and discouraged.

At this point in my personal and spiritual development, I do not blame those who leave the church when they have doubts. Being a member can be hard. We act like it's not, but it is. ("We" referring to the general church population). And then we judge people who leave for not being strong enough or not having enough faith. Or even more likely, we just do not understand how it's even possible that someone could walk away from something that brings us so much joy. We view leaving as a failure and a betrayal. As a whole, we really are just bad at letting people decide that a different lifestyle or belief system is better for them than Mormonism.

Mormons do not have a monopoly on truth. In fact, we get things wrong fairly often, I think. And honestly, every member has a different idea of what truth even is. We need to stop shaming people for asking questions and subsequently shaming them if they choose to leave. We need to let people discover their personal versions of truth. We need to ask and answer hard questions. Asking questions is how we learn and grow. Progress is impossible without inquisition. If asking these questions brings people closer to LDS doctrine and increases their faith, that is wonderful. But we need to remember that questions might have the opposite effect for some people. And that doesn't make them weak or wrong. It just means that they are still on the journey to find what lifestyle works best for them. And really, we all have that in common no matter what we believe.

lessons from utah county

I want to write something special but I am at a loss for words. In a week, I leave the most important work experience of my life for the last time. Two days later, I drive out of Utah, my home of the past four years, for good. I am overwhelmed. I am excited, terrified, miserable, and sure. Today I cried listening to For Good from Wicked and watched 6+ episodes of Parks and Rec. I am completely unprepared for what the next few weeks have in store.

The past month has been emotionally draining. I've been entirely lost and somehow totally sure of where I am at the same time. With the promise of a new adventure on the horizon, Utah has begun to feel like a second home (Kansas will always be number one for me).

I have learned a lot during this time of my life and I don't know how to organize it. So I am going to word vomit and hope it sounds okay.

Spend as much time in the mountains as possible. It is healing and celestial.

When given the opportunity, stay up late and watch multiple Disney Channel original movies in a row with your roommates.

The things you do aren't as important as the people you do them with. The friends you have reflect who you are and what you will become. If you hang out with trash people, you will become a trash person. Hang out with good, kind, passionate individuals and they will support you in being the same. Do the fun things, but make sure your focus is on who you are with.

Immediately find the best fries in whatever city you are living in. When sad, eat those fries. But also be open to trying new fries. Basically just eat lots of fries.

Self care is good. Netflix binge-ing by yourself falls under this category and anyone who says otherwise can go.

Do not give your time to people who do not respect you or your boundaries, emotionally or physically. They do not care about you. They are not your friend. There are so many people who will ask you what you are comfortable with and respect your answer. They will ask you if you are okay with hugs. They won't push you to go out when you want to stay home. And when you find these people, do not let them go.

Follow up: believe your friends when they tell you someone has disrespected their boundaries. Be there for them.

Always go on road trips. Doesn't matter where you go.

Treat yourself when you can. Especially when it comes to buying shoes. I am always in support of buying shoes.

Get involved in politics. National, state and local. Vote when you can (which should be always). Challenge your own views and the views of others. Stand up for your beliefs but listen to everyone else too. Let your opinions change and definitely don't get mad when others do the same. That's not flip-flopping; it's growth.

Go to class, but also skip every once in a while. It's fine.

Find a place to nap on campus. If you are at BYU, the periodicals section of the library has some leather couches behind the bookshelves that I highly recommend.

Try new things and don't give up when you are bad at them. I'm still learning this.

And lastly, though the sentiment is overdone and cliche, be yourself. There is no good reason to not be. Everything strange and rough and imperfect about you makes you incredible. Do not betray that.

political progress through empathy

Something I've tried recently is listening to arguments without responding in affirming or contradicting ways. I simply respond "that's an interesting view" or "I've never considered that perspective" rather than immediately jumping into an argument or an echo chamber-esque conversation. While doing this, it occurred to me that it's not something I, or most people, do often enough.

When we listen, we often do so with the intent of responding not hearing. This is damaging in any setting, but is increasingly present in political discourse. We are on the constant defensive. There is an urgent need to defend what we believe and attack those who disagree with us. But this doesn't offer much room for growth. When we listen with the intent of responding, we don't really hear others' concerns or beliefs. We are self-focused which limits the possibility for connection and understanding.

One of the most frustrating things I see in political discussion is the belittling and silencing of experience. Many individuals from marginalized groups are stepping forward to tell their stories. Often, these people are invalidated and dismissed when people do not feel comfortable with the accusations their stories make. It is so much easier to deny validity than take responsibility.

We need less politics and more empathy. 

First, we must recognize that when we are discussing heated topics, we are typically talking with people who care as much as we do. Whether you agree with a person or not, they feel as strongly about their stance as you do about yours. When we remember this, we can be more respectful and productive in our discussions. 

We also need to realize that despite political leanings, feelings are always valid. When someone feels discriminated against, we need to listen and support. All too often, we jump in to defend ourselves. When someone speaks out on their experiences with racism we respond with "but, I'm not racist." Or someone expresses concern about sexism and we respond #NotAllMen. We don't listen to hear, we rather respond quickly to clear our own consciences. And this solves nothing. 

Empathy, however, has power to change. We can change ourselves, our behavior, our minds. With empathy, we are no longer on separate teams trying to win governmental power; we are on the same team, fighting for what is best for all. You do not have to fully understand or agree with someone to validate and empathize. Empathy is not uniformity, but it is unity. 

It is essential to a peaceful existence that we recognize the humanity in everyone we encounter, no matter how different they might be. People are not political obstacles; they are people. The sooner and the more frequently we realize that, the more cooperative we will be and the more progress we will make.

So next time someone speaks out about an issue, whether you agree or not, truly listen before you respond. Validate that persons beliefs and recognize their humanity. Evaluate yourself and your stance on the issue. Then have productive conversation. Do not jump on the defensive, but slowly and thoughtfully analyze contradicting viewpoints together. 

If we truly want a government built for the people, we have to first listen to the people. When we are empathetic, we solve more problems, we are more united, and we truly progress.

pro-life

No, we are not talking about abortion. If you want to know my view on women's healthcare, ask me at another time.

Right now, we are talking about the millions of other lives that are now under direct threat due to the Trump administration. I'm done treading lightly on this topic. We've dug ourselves into a huge, racist hole and now we have to fight and claw our way out.

Due to Trump's reckless immigration related executive orders and presidential memoranda (1) (2) (3), immigrants, refugees and US residents trying to enter the country are facing major discriminatory roadblocks. Green card holders are being detained in airports and kept from visiting their former homes (source). A woman, distraught at the idea of returning to her country of origin, attempted to end her life at the airport where she was notified of her deportation (source). Vetted refugees who were in the air when the order was signed were detained upon landing (source). These regulations are ruining lives and ending lives.

This executive order does not keep bad people out of the US. It keeps good people who have already completed a thorough vetting process from entering our country. For reference, here is the refugee screening process established under the Obama administration. It is already difficult for refugees to be accepted into the US and this order achieves nothing but hate. Not to mention it's illegal (source).

But instead of throwing more sources at you, I will proceed to my point. If these orders do not bother you, you are not pro-life. If these stories of individuals being denied refuge and being blatantly discriminated against based on their place of birth do not bother you, you are not pro-life. If you support this illegal use of immigration policy, YOU ARE NOT PRO-LIFE.

You are racist. You do have a single story of what people from other countries, specifically those associated with Islam, are like and what they believe. You are making yourself complicit in the discrimination against these individuals and any subsequent actions taken by our current president.

Do not spout your pro-life rhetoric to me unless you carry your same "respect" for life across the board. I don't want to hear about how your priority is saving children and making sure they are afforded the opportunity of life, if that view does not include refugee children. I understand why you are pro-life in regards to abortion. But I do not understand why you cannot seem to generalize that idea to children not conceived in the United States.

This is a gross generalization of pro-lifers, I get that. If you fight for life always, no matter the context, pat yourself on the back and continue to fight for what you believe. But if not, listen to what I am saying to you right now. Your view is hypocritical. You need to reevaluate. There are many lives out there, that need us to fight for them. If you want to call yourself pro-life still, be pro-life always; when it's tough, when it's unpopular, when it does not directly benefit you, and maybe sometimes when it's a little inconvenient to you. But do not tell me you're pro-life when you pick and choose which lives you are willing to fight for.

Muslim brothers and sisters, refugees, US citizens and residents who are scared of these policies and how they will affect your lives, your lives are important to me. I am here for you, I love you, and I will fight for you.

divine feminist

I am tired. Tired of being told that because I am a Christian I should have an understanding of why men and women aren't equal in society. It's because we're different right? We have different roles so I shouldn't expect equality? Actually, Christianity is fundamental to my feminist ideals.

A couple summers ago I took a psychology of gender course at BYU. Given the institution, this course contained many gospel discussions as well. Throughout my time in this class, we discussed the differences between men and women both physically and mentally. We discussed divine roles and societal views. And during one specific class, with tears in her eyes, my professor testified to us how she knows that God loves each of us in the same way and how because of this view, she knows that men and women are equal and deserve social, economic, and political equality.

Though many discussions in this class have stuck with me, this simple testimony remains the most powerful. It's what keeps me fighting and writing and marching (metaphorically since I was not able to go this past weekend). 

Genesis 1:27 "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them."

Men and women were both created in the image of God. We both have divine worth and qualities. No difference in value mentioned.  

And at the end of the day, this is all I need to know. I am Godly, I am divine, and I am equal. My feminism is tied to my Christianity and my Christianity is inseparable from my feminism. And yes, at times it may seem like they cannot coincide. But they are both a strong part of my belief system. 

So I take what I know to be true, both that God is loving and kind and fair, and that women are created equal to men and deserve that equality to be recognized politically, socially, and economically, and I fight for it. I encourage others to fight for it. I listen to women's stories. I see women of all shapes, colors, sizes, and genetic makeups and whether I agree with their lifestyles or views, I fight for their right to have those views and lifestyles. 

I pledge to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort. To fight for women; white, black, Latina, LGBT, and anyone else, especially those unable to fight for themselves. I am driven by love. A love for my sisters and brothers, but most importantly a love of God. 

let's get to work

"If Donald Trump wins the election, I'm moving to (insert various, distant country here)." We've all heard it. I've even said it, but it is no longer a joke. It's a reality.

I'm honestly astounded at the election results. I sat on my couch for hours on end, tense all throughout my body and upset to my stomach, as the thought of Donald Trump being president slowly became a reality. 

Now let's ignore the fact that he is completely unqualified and oblivious to the way our government works. Let's ignore the fact that I disagree with him on most policy. Let's ignore his history of manipulation and failure in business. Ignore his temperament and lack of professionalism. 

Let's look at the fact that his presidency makes me and many others feel physically unsafe. Not just the fact that he is president, but that there are enough people who are willing to support and even celebrate his utterly hateful and divisive rhetoric, behavior, and policy. This is not okay. People should not be this terrified by the outcome of an election. People should not feel unsafe in their own country. Our president elect is an accused rapist. Our president elect is a white supremacist. Our president elect is a misogynist. I'm horrified and disgusted that it has come to this. I honestly never considered it as an actual possible outcome. I thought we were smarter, more loving, and more inclusive than this. 

But I say all of this in a very heated and emotionally charged state. My fingers are crossed very tightly hoping that this pain and heartache goes away. And when it does, I will be ready to work. Because heaven knows, we've got a lot to do. 

I do not expect any of you to respect him. I know that I do not and will not. But I will stand with my country and for what I believe in. I will love my fellow Americans. I will love and support people of color, the lgbt* community, women, children, immigrants, and refugees. And I will fight like hell for all of you.

Do not leave. Don't even joke about it. Leaving the US is saying you are not willing to fight anymore. Leaving is giving up. I'm not ready to do that. And I hope none of you are either. 

november eighth

I've been thinking long and hard about the upcoming election. I haven't made any statements about who I'm voting for because I honestly haven't really known until now. But before I reveal anything to you, I want to talk about what lead me to my decision and things I have learned.

Rule number one: never trust a source that indicates its political leanings in its URL or title.
Rule number two: don't really trust any other sources either.

I learned that one of the easiest ways to really understand where you fall on the political spectrum is to read sources that you know are biased and find which ones give you a feeling of solidarity and which ones make you want to rip off someone's head. While living in Utah I have slowly been developing my political ideation and as most of you can probably guess, it doesn't quite align with the culture. In fact, the longer I live in conservative communities, the more liberal I seem to become. I'm not really one for going with the flow. And this has become increasingly clear throughout this election season. I cannot even scroll through Facebook without becoming irrationally upset about something someone posted. And so far I've had the decency to not argue with anyone. You're welcome.

For the record, I'm the last person to tell you not to vote third party. In fact, I strongly encourage you to do so if you feel like a third party candidate is more suited for presidency. Because let's face it, the options we have been given are less than ideal. Both major party candidates are plagued with scandal and mistrust. So I started looking into third party candidates. But the problem I quickly faced was the lack of left wing leaning third party options, or at least ones that I could see myself behind.

I decided that I wanted my vote to both voice my political opinions and influence the outcome of the election. In Utah, that leaves me with three choices: Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and Evan McMullin.

Donald Trump angers and disgusts me to my very core. Hearing him speak, seeing his face, even reading words from his supporters fills me with an insane amount of rage. I knew from the very beginning that there was no way he could ever earn my support. If his policies and beliefs weren't enough to dissuade me, his impossible temperament and character sure did. He has never been a justifiable option for me and I don't understand how he is for anyone else. But I'm not going to turn this post into a Trump bash. You're also welcome for that.

Evan McMullin has shown upstanding character and this initially made him appealing. But unfortunately, I agree with him on very little policy, which, believe it or not, is still important in this election. I'd also like to point out that it seems to be that many individuals (not all, don't fight me on this please), specifically in Utah, have decided that he would make a good president merely because he is Mormon. Sadly, his religious affiliation is not a valid qualification for the office. Sorry, Mitt Romney.

Finally we come to Hillary Clinton. She has been under political scrutiny for the majority of her career and a good portion of her life. The name Clinton is laced with scandal and conspiracy. I recognized this and judged her accordingly. But then I realized that the only reason I disliked her, was because I was being told to. I had no idea why I hated her. So I stopped doing so and looked from a clean slate perspective. Tabula rasa, if you will. And I realized that our political standpoints line up pretty well. 85% if you ask Isidewith.com. And I also realized that I am going to put faith in our governmental system; though I still plan to be judicial in that matter. But if the FBI says that there was not sufficient evidence to indict her, I am going to believe that. And I am not going to judge her based on the actions of her husband. I am going to judge her based on my own perspective. I'm going to look at what she has done in her career. I'm going to look at her proposed policy changes. I'm looking at her professionalism, her experience, and her temperament.

I am not going to look at her as a supreme leader. I'm going to recognize the checks and balances put in place to ensure that the US is a democracy. I'm going to stand beside the civil and human rights movements that have become a strong part of my values.

And I am going to stand by the candidate who's policies and beliefs I think will make our country stronger, more united, and more equal. So with that, I guess I'm telling you all that I'm With Her, no matter what that means to anyone else.