shame and the gospel

Recently, I have had lots of questions regarding the gospel. They vary in topic and most I keep to myself. But about a month and a half ago, I got the nerve to throw some of these questions into the strange void that is twitter.com. Here is a screengrab of part of that thread (yes, my name here is "freakin bats." please try to ignore that):

I posed these questions partially hoping for people to respond with their perspectives but mostly just to throw out some thoughts I was having in hopes I wasn't alone in questioning things. Side note: If you have thoughts on Heavenly Mother and both the doctrine and culture surrounding her, I would love to chat.

However, the response that struck me most, was from a girl who has since blocked me and protected her tweets so I cannot include a screenshot of her reply. She indicated that she was tired of sacred things being questioned and called out as sexism. She felt that if I were faithful enough, these questions would not matter. And naturally, I was pretty upset. I felt like she was saying that my questions and concerns were not worth discussing and that my inquiry was due to a lack of faith. And I felt the opposite. I felt that I had faith in something and someone I do not know much about. I was asking questions, from my perspective, to gain understanding about something I feel very strongly about. And my questions were tossed to the curb and labeled as unfaithful. It hurt.

Questions and doubts are topics that are briefly discussed by church leaders. We are told to doubt our doubts (ref) and questioning in public spaces is discouraged. We are told that having questions is normal but are dismissed when we ask the hard ones. Most questions starting with the word "why" are answered with the direction to pray and gain a testimony for ourselves. And these things aren't inherently wrong, they are just limiting. Hard questions obviously are tough to answer. And I think that often, the questions we ask are questions the people we are asking have as well. But I wish that didn't have to mean we stay quiet.

I want to know why I am not supposed to say certain words. I want an explanation of how a few inches difference in hemline can determine righteousness. I want someone to explain to me why some forms of caffeine are acceptable while others are not. I don't want to follow commandments without understanding them. To me, the commandment to love one another seems like the most, if not the only important one, yet the most ignored. And I just want to understand why the directions we're given that to me seem petty or annoyingly specific get more attention than commandments as simple and powerful as love.

The fact that I am not satisfied with blind obedience may be a personality quirk, but I have the feeling I am not alone in feeling this way. In fact, I am sure that many people have these same questions in addition to many of their own. And I think it's leading many, especially individuals around my age, to leave the church altogether.

By leaving questions unanswered and unaddressed, we tell people that they need to figure things out on their own. And they may come out of that with stronger faith and a better understanding. But they could also end up confused and discouraged.

At this point in my personal and spiritual development, I do not blame those who leave the church when they have doubts. Being a member can be hard. We act like it's not, but it is. ("We" referring to the general church population). And then we judge people who leave for not being strong enough or not having enough faith. Or even more likely, we just do not understand how it's even possible that someone could walk away from something that brings us so much joy. We view leaving as a failure and a betrayal. As a whole, we really are just bad at letting people decide that a different lifestyle or belief system is better for them than Mormonism.

Mormons do not have a monopoly on truth. In fact, we get things wrong fairly often, I think. And honestly, every member has a different idea of what truth even is. We need to stop shaming people for asking questions and subsequently shaming them if they choose to leave. We need to let people discover their personal versions of truth. We need to ask and answer hard questions. Asking questions is how we learn and grow. Progress is impossible without inquisition. If asking these questions brings people closer to LDS doctrine and increases their faith, that is wonderful. But we need to remember that questions might have the opposite effect for some people. And that doesn't make them weak or wrong. It just means that they are still on the journey to find what lifestyle works best for them. And really, we all have that in common no matter what we believe.