fearing fear

Yesterday I was sitting in my Sunday school class whispering to my roommate, Megan, about how several of the things being taught by the teacher and by the members of the class I really didn't agree with. Throughout nearly the entire class period I was doing this and I never once spoke up for the entire class to hear. Why? Because I'm terrified.

I started thinking about the way I behave and act in my everyday life, and there is so much that I don't do because I'm completely and foolishly afraid. I put on a rather impressive façade of strength and independence because I'm petrified by the idea of being vulnerable. I don't actively pursue friendships because I'm scared of being seen as too attached or desperate for human interaction. I don't tell the people I care about that I love them because I fear rejection. I don't introduce myself to new people because I'm scared I'll do something embarrassing or offensive. I don't go to lectures on topics I'm interested in because I don't want to go alone or show up late or end up bored. Essentially, I don't act because I'm afraid of the possible negative consequences even though they are clearly outweighed by the benefits in each situation.

And for pretty much all of my life I've been content with this. My excuse is that I'm just a little shy or lazy or that I'm above whatever it is for some reason, but never scared. My front of strength has been enough for me to get by without people knowing that I'm constantly comparing myself to them, scared that I will be viewed as less because I'm a girl, Mormon, less attractive, less intelligent, etc. Not only am I lying outwardly, but also to myself. I actually thought and still think that I don't care what other people think. And sometimes I really don't, but a good portion of the time I just want people think that I don't care because that will in turn affect what they think of me. Which is pretty twisted really. But this got me thinking about all the happiness, friendships, knowledge, and adventure that I've probably missed out on because of the anxiety I felt towards leaving my ever-familiar comfort zone.

In his inaugural speech, Franklin D. Roosevelt said, "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself," which he continues to define as "nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance." I always looked at the first part of this quote as a way to encourage bravery. I thought FDR was saying that we shouldn't have fear because we need to be brave and courageous; that fear will debilitate our lives, while bravery will cause us to flourish. This is only one interpretation, and recently I developed a different view that resonates a lot better with me and my current circumstances. I think FDR is not trying to tell us to eliminate fear. Fear is one of the strongest emotions we feel and we should use it to our advantage. I believe he is saying that we should concentrate our fear on our fears. We should be afraid of being afraid. We should fear the fact that our fears could be getting in the way of joy and success. Once we develop a fear of fear itself, we will be able to act because we'll be afraid of what will happen if we don't.