redefining beauty

Something our culture is currently obsessed with is beauty. As a society, we have set an ideal and we think less of those who don't reach it. Women who are generally considered beautiful are tall, thin, have clear skin, luxurious hair and big eyes. Their eyelashes go on for days and their lips are full and pink. Eyebrows are perfectly shaped and stomachs are flat. Men don't escape these ideals either. Men are to be tall and muscular, have chiseled abs and a strong jaw. They are expected to look strong, but not daunting. And these qualities are generally found to be attractive, so we set this standard for everyone.

However, in doing so, we tend to see qualities that aren't contingent with the standard to be unattractive, or not qualifying of the word beautiful.

And people have started to notice this issue. There has been a huge surge of men and women calling for a change. People are all about "redefining beauty." On the surface level I think this is fantastic. Why do we have one definition for what's beautiful? Clearly individuals outside of this definition still qualify.

Take for example, Tess Holliday.


(https://healthnewsandviews.files.wordpress.com/2015/01/tess-munster-tess-holliday.jpg)

Holliday is a plus-size model. She's 5'5", size 22, and absolutely stunning. She has also spearheaded the movement #EffYourBeautyStandards, encouraging women all over the world to embrace their size and beauty.

Another example is Madeline Stuart.


(http://www.popsugar.com/fashion/Madeline-Stuart-Model-Down-Syndrome-37508623#photo-37508627)

Madeline is an 18 year old aspiring model with Down's syndrome. She's totally adorable and another advocate against traditional beauty standards.

Both of these women are creating new ideas of beauty. But this takes us back to the idea of "redefining beauty." Journalists love to use this phrase to describe what these women and what others like them are doing. Bu when you delve deeper into the meaning of these words, they make it seem like these individuals don't actually qualify as beautiful unless the core idea of beauty is changed. It says that they must "redefine beauty" before they can be considered for the title. And even worse, claiming that beauty is in the process of being redefined insinuates that it was capable of having an objective definition in the first place.

We've all heard the quote "beauty is in the eye of the beholder," yet we often disregard it's claim. Beauty is not one thing. Beauty is whatever we want or make it to be. Beauty doesn't have an objective definition no matter how hard we try to give it one. We also get stuck on beauty as something that is professed outwardly. We focus on its visual aspects and ignore its mental, emotional, and spiritual capacity. We define it as a standard of aesthetics, rather than personality traits.  

Merriam-Webster's full definition of the word beauty is "the quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit." This definition leaves the "qualities" in question up to the interpretation of the beholder as to what they find exalting or pleasurable to their senses, mind, and spirit. As individuals we get to decide what we find beautiful, both aesthetically and otherwise. 

I love my crooked nose. I think it's kind of adorable how awkward I become when people compliment me. I have the lankiest limbs. I can be extremely obnoxious. Sometimes I don't filter what I say as best as I should. And guess what. I'm so beautiful. By my own standards, not based on the ideas of others. 

Discover what you find beautiful and discover those things in yourself. When it comes to the definition of beauty, the only one that truly matters is your own.

mormon sexuality

We live in a world where female sexuality is pretty taboo. Living in the Mormon world, it is especially ignored. We don't talk about it, because if we don't, it doesn't exist right? Nope. In fact, the less we talk about it, the more strife it brings on young women trying to figure it all out.

Men have been painted as sexual beings throughout time. It is understood that men are often bombarded with thoughts about sex and often use these thoughts to determine their behaviors. It's normal for men to be viewed this way and everyone seems to just accept it. As members of the church, we often acknowledge this struggle and try to find ways to convenience them. My least favorite is the argument that modesty in clothing is important because it will help young men have cleaner thoughts. Debunking that teaching could be a whole other blog post if I wanted, but I digress.

As an LDS community, we do not like to think of women as being sexual. As much as we avoid the topic of sex in the first place, sex and its relation to women is ignored even more.

But here's the truth. Humans are sexual beings. This includes women. And ignoring that fact is making life for young girls more difficult than it really should be.

First of all, as a Mormon community, I feel like we need to be more open about sex in general. We go from being single youth and young adults who are supposed to regard sex as something off limits both in action and in thought, to being young, married, and totally lost. This shift from sex being taboo to sex being regarded as something beautiful and God-given is jarring and can cause issues in a relationship. The problem here is not the initial view of sex being something to avoid before marriage in order to stay morally pure or the view that after marriage it is a way to strengthen a relationship and keep commandments. The issue is the sudden change that does not allow for adjustment.

This can be solved by creating an environment for youth and young adults in the church in which sex is regarded as a natural human instinct—one that we can resist and avoid until the time is right, but one that we should not be ashamed of. But when we avoid the topic all together, we sometimes don't even understand our own shame. And this can scare people from asking questions because they don't want to be the one to bring it up. The conversation about sex in the Mormon community is seemingly closed and not looking to be opened.

Though I do not want to belittle the struggles that men face, I do believe women in the church are facing further difficulties due to the views of the world. Male sexuality is more accepted both in and outside of the church, while female sexuality is avoided in both regards. This makes it even more difficult for young women to be open about their feelings and urges.

As I stated before, women are sexual beings and we need to make this a more open topic of discussion with each other.

As a young women, I honestly didn't struggle with this too much. I have always been attracted to men, but I never really felt much of a need to act on it until more recently. In high school, I rarely dated and my first kiss wasn't until after I had graduated. I didn't struggle with my sexuality because it wasn't something at the forefront of my mind. But as I have witnessed young women from back home and the women I'm around on a daily basis where I currently live, I've begun to recognize that these are issues we need to be open about.

As a result of ignoring female sexuality, I have noticed that more and more young girls are beginning to experiment for themselves rather than ask questions. This is leading them to places and situations they don't need to be in. If they felt more comfortable asking questions and talking to their parents and leaders about this issues, perhaps we would encounter less of these issues. We need to facilitate an environment of trust and understanding that allows young girls (and boys) to ask questions regarding their sexuality and how to deal with it.

We are sexual beings. We don't like to say it, but we are. Sex is a common motivator for our behavior and it's something we encounter often in our thoughts. We need to stop pretending like it isn't something we're all dealing with. Open conversation could be the difference in someone's eternal progression and we need to facilitate that.

inexhaustible magic

Words have a very strange way of being thrilling, inspiring and absolutely terrifying all at the same time. As Albus Dumbledore once said, “Words are, in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it.” (J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows). This quote has always stuck out to me. I think this is mostly because I absolutely love the Harry Potter series and it has made me feel like a part of the magic. But it has a lot of truth to it. I have so much power in something that I use everyday. I can use my words to love or to harm, to uplift or to tear down. Words have so much strength, yet we frequently throw them out without thinking of the damage we could be causing and often not recognizing the lives we could be changing. 

It's incredible to think that just 26 letters in the English language can be combined in infinite patterns with infinite meanings. With the same letters you can tell someone "I love you" or "O evil you" which is a really silly example. But 8 letters when rearranged can have entirely different meanings. So it just makes sense that we should put a lot of care into the way we organize them. 

And we have the power to use words every day of our lives. We are able to shape the world around us by the way we rearrange a compilation of 26 characters. And we forget that we have this power. We take it for granted and we misuse it. And sometimes we don't use it at all.

Silence can often be even more powerful than words themselves. And sometimes in silence we lose the power we could have had. 

The power of silence is that it allows for thought. When we are constantly talking, we allow little time for us to think about what we are saying. I've been known to ramble, especially when I feel uncomfortable. In these times I lose sight of my thought process and just allow words to escape without full acknowledgement of what I may be saying. If I were to be more silent in these times, I could conjure up words that I really want to say. Words with more meaning and strength, rather than incomplete or incoherent notions which poured out of my mouth before I knew what I was doing. Silence also gives the listener time to think. Just imagine if we felt more comfortable with silence, how much more meaningful our interactions would be. We could think more clearly and communicate more efficiently. 

Yet, we find ourselves struggling to allow silence. We have to be constantly engaged and active in our interactions. We've deemed silence as "awkward." Some people feel so uncomfortable with these silences that they choose to break them, even if they aren't adding anything meaningful. We destroy the silence to make ourselves feel more comfortable in the moment, when we could be allowing the silence to continue to improve our future.

Because the truth is silence can be so healing. It gives us time to compose ourselves and come to terms with whatever we may be dealing with. It allows us to think clearly and organize our thoughts. But it can also be damaging. There always comes a point in time when silence needs to be broken. And often we get to that point and we shut down. We allow the silence to continue for longer than we should and this can be dangerous.

The more negative side of silence's power is the time it allows us to dwell on our thoughts. Yes, it can heal, but it can also hurt. And when we are given too much time to think about certain things, we can end up coming to stressful conclusions. Its incredible how silence, the absence of noise which is essentially nothing at all, can fill up a room and cause us to suffocate. 

And when we are the one's elongating the silence, we are giving up our power. We are allowing other individuals to interpret our thoughts and feelings. Essentially we are handing over the power our words could have and we are allowing them to interpret something we haven't even said. And when we do this, we know we are giving up our power and we know that these individuals will jump to conclusions and allow themselves to suffer, all while we have the words that could clear the air. Yet, sometimes we get prideful or scared that our words may just be too damaging to share. 

The truth can definitely hurt, but the absence of the truth can be even worse. And as hard as it is to tell the truth or come forward about feelings or confess wrongdoing, it is so important that we do it. And it is so essential that when we do break the silence, we do it at the right time and with the right words. And we will mess up and we will hurt people, but we will learn and we can do better.

Make sure your words are thought out and make sure they will do good. Allow for silence, but know when to break it. It's not an exact science, it's more of an art, or even magic, that we have not yet mastered. And we just have to keeping trying. 

begin with the journey in mind

Yesterday, one of my professors took the opportunity to spend the entire two hour lecture focusing on graduate school and our future in psychology. He spoke on the things that helped him throughout his career, how grit, intellect, and practice interact to create success. He gave us incredible advice, but in all honesty, this class period was just plain exhausting. I felt like I was on a roller coaster of emotion and stress. His words terrified me, discouraged me, uplifted me, and inspired me all at the same time. Ultimately, I left the class confused as to what I want, but somehow still determined to discover it. 

One of the things he shared was that we need to find the thing that we think about when we don't have anything else to think about, and then pursue that. We will most likely live our entire lives doing one thing. It makes no sense to be doing something that we do not love or believe in. But the trouble here is finding what that is, what we think about when we don't have to think about anything else. And the truth is, I don't really know what that is. And that terrifies me as well. After two decades of life, I am being forced to choose what I would like to spend the rest of my life doing. And though I have direction, I'm still incredibly confused.

And I honestly just don't want to decide right now. 

Right now, I want to travel the world. I want to discover beauty in nature, in humans, in service. I want to try new foods. I want to do new things and live life on the edge. I want to skydive. I want to ride a motorcycle. I want to swim with dolphins and learn to play the ukulele. I want to dye my hair purple and kiss a stranger. I want to live on the beach and only care about the sand between my toes.

I want to live for myself right now, not for myself in the future. And that may seem incredibly irresponsible. But how am I ever going to discover my purpose, my loves, or my beliefs if I haven't even discovered myself? 

You always hear about how college is a time for self-discovery. Yet, I feel more like I am being stifled than being given the opportunity to explore. 

But exploration takes resources that I don't really have, money and time that I cannot afford to spend. And the truth is, I don't think I could do it. As much as I want to, dropping everything and taking a break would be just as scary as not doing so. I don't know how to live without a plan for the future. Ever since I was a child, I've been conditioned to plan and prepare for things. My elementary education was preparing me for middle school, my middle school education was priming me for my high school IB program. The IB program was entirely focused on my success in college. 

My English teacher my junior year of high school drove the idea that we must begin everything with the end in mind. This makes a lot of sense. You're only going to get somewhere if you know where you're going. But what if the end you have in mind, isn't actually what you expect it to be? Then you've taken an entire journey to arrive at a place you don't want to be. So maybe we shouldn't begin with the end in mind, or perhaps that end shouldn't be so specific. Maybe we should begin with the journey in mind. That way, we are able to live in the moment and enjoy the time we have. Because the truth is, you never know if that journey is going to be cut short, if you'll hit roadblocks, or if you'll end up having to turn around. I think that if we focus on the journey we're taking and not where it's taking us, we just might end up where we want to be. And I have a hard time accepting that. My whole life has been future oriented. And that isn't necessarily a problem, but it keeps me from experiencing and appreciating those experiences. 

When we focus our energy on the future, we forget the present. And the truth is now is what really matters. The past and the future are just thoughts we are having in the present. The present is what we have right now, so we should probably make as much of it as we can. 

causing contention

I have previously written on dealing with anxiety and the roles it has played in my life (which you can find here). But I'd like to talk about another way in which anxiety has effected my life.

I'm not a very approachable person. I suffer from what is commonly known as resting b**** face, or RBF. I can be incredibly intimidating due to this, my height, and my overwhelming beauty *hair flip* (or maybe it's the fact that I'm arrogant? who knows.) But essentially, it's hard for me to make friends. The thing is, I never really learned how. I've known my best friend since 2nd grade. We spent so much of elementary school, and basically all of middle and high school together. Of course I made other friends throughout this time, but it was often after being around them for a good period of time. I had known everyone for so long that becoming friends didn't follow a standard process. So when I came out to Utah for school, I was thrown for a loop. It seemed like the only friends I really made were the ones I was given. These included my roommates and the guys interested in my roommates. Which isn't something I'm necessarily complaining about, because they are all wonderful people. But I still never really learned how to interact and become friends with people I wasn't seeing on a near daily basis. Moving off campus has been an interesting experience in that I've had to step out of my comfort zone a bit in order to make friends, but I still don't think I'm fully there.

My main issue is that I worry too much about seeming overly attached to people. I don't want to scare them away with my friendship so I don't put in enough effort. And then I'm stuck in the limbo area of wanting to be friends with someone and wanting to hang out with them but not knowing whether they feel the same way or even consider us friends at all.

Being in this indeterminate region of friendship, I find myself being extremely cautious about my actions and words. In fact, you know I feel comfortable with our friendship when I stop censoring and start insulting you. (This isn't an exact science though; I've been known for my lack of a verbal filter). But essentially, I don't want to offend anyone, and even more I don't want to bring attention to situations in which someone offends me.

I've noticed something about myself in the past and present. I will allow people to say and do things despite their offensive nature due to my desire to maintain a tranquil atmosphere. I hate causing contention and I hate drama. I'd much rather suffer in silence than cause issues with someone I care about. And because of this I've allowed people to get away with saying and doing things that I really shouldn't have. Even worse, I've become desensitized to certain comments and actions because I'm used to getting them and brushing them off. And every so often, I do stand up for myself and I end up getting labeled as sassy or dramatic, which just encourages me to remain silent in the future. And to an extent, staying quiet and remaining calm in these situations is better for a relationship than causing unnecessary strife. But there is also a point when you have to set aside your desire for peace and let people know how you feel about certain things that they are saying and doing. No one should have to put up with being treated in a way they don't appreciate.

I've been working on being more vocal about certain things and so far it's been a little rough. For the most part, I just make people upset with me. But wood doesn't become smooth without sandpaper and sand isn't soft without the waves. Sometimes causing contention in the present is essential to avoiding it in the future. And that doesn't make anyone sassy or oversensitive; it just makes them a human who is finally standing up for their worth.

dating advice from a girl who doesn't date

As I was not paying attention one day in class and texting the guy sitting next to me because this is the modern age and people do such things, we stumbled upon the topic of dating and how it relates to our culture. This has been a topic in the back of my mind pretty much since I stepped foot into Utah as a college student for the first time. At BYU, you are constantly bombarded with ideas of marriage and dating. You cannot escape the pressure, especially in young single adult wards. At the mere age of barely 20, I feel like I am less or that I'm slacking if I am not going on dates on a regular basis. Due to the lack of interest I receive from males, I end up feeling like there is something wrong with me. Which is totally wrong. If anything, it's the other way around. Just kidding. Maybe...

But even stronger than the push to date and get married, is the pressure to do so at a young age. I know of people under the age of 25 who have thought they are somehow worth less due to their relationship status. This norm and the pressure associated with it, absolutely terrify me. The average age that a BYU student gets married is 22 (compared to the national average at 25 for men and 27 for women). That gives me two years to be entirely prepared to make an eternal commitment to someone if I am to fit to the average. And if I was set on being average, that is quite the time crunch.

But this pressure really gets you thinking about what a healthy relationship dynamic truly requires, which is exactly the topic my friend and I ended up on. It started with him being worried about his summer ward being full of engaged girls and how he would be able to ask out girls in his classes without being awkward about it. First of all, I feel like dating is only as awkward as we make it. If we play it cool and are straight forward about our intentions and desires, we may not eliminate the awkwardness, but it will be much more worth it. And therefore, we will feel less awkward. Second, sometimes we just have to embrace the awkwardness, because great things will happen when we do. One of the most awkward things I have ever done was stumble about my words as I was trying to tell this guy, later my boyfriend, that I liked him. I laughed when I shouldn't have and it probably took me a solid 5 minutes to form coherent thoughts. I didn't even completely relay what I was trying to. But the key to this story is that he did end up my boyfriend. Good things came from me being a bumbling idiot. It was totally awkward, he got a kick out of it, but it ended up working out (for about a month...). Awkwardness can lead to some great things.

But back to the guy in my class worried about his dating life. He continued to express his concerns with developing a friendship before progressing to a dating relationship. I honestly found this view quite refreshing. In a culture in which it is the norm to start dating (and sometimes even marry) before you really know a person, it's nice to see that some people still value developing a connection before acting on attraction. But I still think that this view can be flawed. I totally understand his desire, and might say that it is one of mine as well. But you cannot discount the fluidity of relationships. You can develop friendship before or after a romantic relationship is developed. The trick is trying not to worry too much about the logistics and let nature take it's course.

There is a certain nature of relationships that has to be taken into account. There is a natural connection or as pop culture refers to it, spark between two people that can lead them to having a stronger relationship. And this is why we date in the first place. You cannot just decide on a person without getting to know someone and recognize whether that connection is present or not. Which unfortunately, makes dating a crucial aspect of relationship development, no matter how stressful or awkward it may be.

And once the nature of a relationship is established, there are also ways that we can learn from nature as well. It's kind of a silly metaphor, but a relationship is a lot like nature. It has a natural flow, calm, and peace to it. And that peace can be disrupted by some pretty violent storms. A lot of times, we let these seemingly fatal disasters ruin something when it could have just been a lesson. There is a certain resilience that can be learned from nature as it faces disaster. It has a way of growing back stronger after disastrous events, incited by nature itself and by mankind. From this we learn the valuable lesson of taking the trials in our lives, whether related to relationships or not, and learning and growing from them. The strongest couples are the ones that are able to face disaster and use it to grow closer together rather than letting it tear them apart.

But there is a third party at work here as well. Since I'm talking about dating in BYU culture, I don't feel bad about bringing religion into this. I am a firm believer that, for the most part, two people can develop a strong, healthy relationship, as long as both are focused on God. When two individuals have a stronger focus on God than they do each other, they will have the opportunity to grow exponentially in their love for each other. A love of God will lead to more openness to revelation, increased love for others, and a stronger focus on eternal goals. One of the most important lessons we can learn from God is of love. He loves all of his children despite their differences, their faults, and their beliefs. Once we learn how to view others the way God does, we are able to love the way He does. Everyone has divine nature and qualities and everyone is deserving of love. And I think this can be an important influence in a relationship dynamic. If we are able to view our companion in a more God-like manner, we will have an increase of love for them. If both of the individuals have this relationship with God and understanding of the way he wants us to view his children, they will be able to increase in love for each other. They will also understand what God desires for them and what direction their relationship should continue in. They will be able to face trials with not only their own strength, but the strength of God on their side.

God makes everything stronger. He can empower us as individuals, couples, cultures, and nations. With a focus on Him we can find strength, power, and love in every aspect of our lives. If dating is working out for us, we can be strengthened in our relationships through Him. And if dating isn't really working out, through Him, we can develop stronger love for ourselves despite this slightly unhealthy Mormon culture pointing out our flaws.

my little piece of truth.

I am a white middle class cisgender heterosexual Christian woman. Other than gender biases, my life is completely full of privilege. But somehow this has become construed by society as something that makes me inherently ignorant and incapable of understanding certain things. It is assumed that due to the color of my skin, my sexuality, or my socioeconomic status, I cannot understand or empathize with the struggles of those with less privilege than I. And imagine if I had a Y chromosome instead of another X. I assume by that point, my views on equality would be thrown out the window based on details about my life that I have little control over.

Yes, I was born white. I was born a woman. I was born heterosexual. And I was born into a middle class family in Kansas. My dad is an engineer and for much of my childhood my mom stayed at home. I experienced a stereotypical American upbringing. These are things I cannot change about my life. But I often feel as though these things are what are shutting me out of conversations on critical social issues.

Of course, there are always people who are listening to what I have to say, but I know that there are individuals of color, members or the LGBT community, etc. that are more than willing to blow aside my opinions before I even project them based on my appearance, anatomy, and environment. And I'm not belittling the experiences of the people in these communities. Often times, there are men and women with similar backgrounds to myself that claim to be fighting for these people when truly furthering their own agendas. But I think it's dangerous to assume this is the norm. There are important contributions to movements that can be made by people not in the community behind the movement. I am also aware that my views and opinions may not be perfect for the movements in these communities. But that should warrant teaching, not shunning.

I think what's damaging here is the general lack of patience with those who differ in views. Instead of engaging in meaningful discourse, opinions are disregarded and attacked. And I'm not innocent of this, I'm insanely stubborn when it comes to what I believe. I'd rather fight for my own opinion than listen to others who may be more correct than I am. If we were to take a step back and actually digest what we are being told rather than going into an instant combat mode to fight against differing opinions, not only would disagreement be more pleasant but cooperation would be more common.

Truth is given in pieces. No one person has all of it, no matter how much we assume we do. By discounting individuals based on external characteristics, we are missing out on pieces of truth that we may not encounter otherwise. Some people have larger pieces of truth than others and sometimes the truth we have overlaps with the truth someone else has. And sometimes we have a piece of truth that no one else can claim. Imagine a world in which everyone held their truth close to their hearts, never sharing or listening to others. In this world, there is no progress because there is no understanding or cooperation. People hold fast to what they know without considering alternatives or extensions to their knowledge. Truth is never organized or combined to create beauty or peace. Now imagine a world in which people acknowledge the truth they have and the fact that it's only a small portion of a whole. In this world, people share their truths with others and listen to what is shared with them. People discuss their truths to find connections and solutions. There is progress because we recognize both our owns strengths and shortcomings as well as the strengths and shortcomings of others. We are less judgmental because we know that no matter how small or different a person may be, they have truth that we don't and we can grow from a relationship with them. We work together to find as much of a whole truth as we can in order to benefit everyone in the community. I know that this is the world I would rather live in and I know that it would take a lot of change on personal and communal levels to achieve.

I think this is a piece of truth that I have and I hope that sharing it empowers and influences change, even on a small scale. And I would encourage others to never be afraid of sharing what they believe, because you have truth and you'll never know what kind of power it has until you share it.