pro-life

No, we are not talking about abortion. If you want to know my view on women's healthcare, ask me at another time.

Right now, we are talking about the millions of other lives that are now under direct threat due to the Trump administration. I'm done treading lightly on this topic. We've dug ourselves into a huge, racist hole and now we have to fight and claw our way out.

Due to Trump's reckless immigration related executive orders and presidential memoranda (1) (2) (3), immigrants, refugees and US residents trying to enter the country are facing major discriminatory roadblocks. Green card holders are being detained in airports and kept from visiting their former homes (source). A woman, distraught at the idea of returning to her country of origin, attempted to end her life at the airport where she was notified of her deportation (source). Vetted refugees who were in the air when the order was signed were detained upon landing (source). These regulations are ruining lives and ending lives.

This executive order does not keep bad people out of the US. It keeps good people who have already completed a thorough vetting process from entering our country. For reference, here is the refugee screening process established under the Obama administration. It is already difficult for refugees to be accepted into the US and this order achieves nothing but hate. Not to mention it's illegal (source).

But instead of throwing more sources at you, I will proceed to my point. If these orders do not bother you, you are not pro-life. If these stories of individuals being denied refuge and being blatantly discriminated against based on their place of birth do not bother you, you are not pro-life. If you support this illegal use of immigration policy, YOU ARE NOT PRO-LIFE.

You are racist. You do have a single story of what people from other countries, specifically those associated with Islam, are like and what they believe. You are making yourself complicit in the discrimination against these individuals and any subsequent actions taken by our current president.

Do not spout your pro-life rhetoric to me unless you carry your same "respect" for life across the board. I don't want to hear about how your priority is saving children and making sure they are afforded the opportunity of life, if that view does not include refugee children. I understand why you are pro-life in regards to abortion. But I do not understand why you cannot seem to generalize that idea to children not conceived in the United States.

This is a gross generalization of pro-lifers, I get that. If you fight for life always, no matter the context, pat yourself on the back and continue to fight for what you believe. But if not, listen to what I am saying to you right now. Your view is hypocritical. You need to reevaluate. There are many lives out there, that need us to fight for them. If you want to call yourself pro-life still, be pro-life always; when it's tough, when it's unpopular, when it does not directly benefit you, and maybe sometimes when it's a little inconvenient to you. But do not tell me you're pro-life when you pick and choose which lives you are willing to fight for.

Muslim brothers and sisters, refugees, US citizens and residents who are scared of these policies and how they will affect your lives, your lives are important to me. I am here for you, I love you, and I will fight for you.

divine feminist

I am tired. Tired of being told that because I am a Christian I should have an understanding of why men and women aren't equal in society. It's because we're different right? We have different roles so I shouldn't expect equality? Actually, Christianity is fundamental to my feminist ideals.

A couple summers ago I took a psychology of gender course at BYU. Given the institution, this course contained many gospel discussions as well. Throughout my time in this class, we discussed the differences between men and women both physically and mentally. We discussed divine roles and societal views. And during one specific class, with tears in her eyes, my professor testified to us how she knows that God loves each of us in the same way and how because of this view, she knows that men and women are equal and deserve social, economic, and political equality.

Though many discussions in this class have stuck with me, this simple testimony remains the most powerful. It's what keeps me fighting and writing and marching (metaphorically since I was not able to go this past weekend). 

Genesis 1:27 "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them."

Men and women were both created in the image of God. We both have divine worth and qualities. No difference in value mentioned.  

And at the end of the day, this is all I need to know. I am Godly, I am divine, and I am equal. My feminism is tied to my Christianity and my Christianity is inseparable from my feminism. And yes, at times it may seem like they cannot coincide. But they are both a strong part of my belief system. 

So I take what I know to be true, both that God is loving and kind and fair, and that women are created equal to men and deserve that equality to be recognized politically, socially, and economically, and I fight for it. I encourage others to fight for it. I listen to women's stories. I see women of all shapes, colors, sizes, and genetic makeups and whether I agree with their lifestyles or views, I fight for their right to have those views and lifestyles. 

I pledge to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort. To fight for women; white, black, Latina, LGBT, and anyone else, especially those unable to fight for themselves. I am driven by love. A love for my sisters and brothers, but most importantly a love of God. 

let's get to work

"If Donald Trump wins the election, I'm moving to (insert various, distant country here)." We've all heard it. I've even said it, but it is no longer a joke. It's a reality.

I'm honestly astounded at the election results. I sat on my couch for hours on end, tense all throughout my body and upset to my stomach, as the thought of Donald Trump being president slowly became a reality. 

Now let's ignore the fact that he is completely unqualified and oblivious to the way our government works. Let's ignore the fact that I disagree with him on most policy. Let's ignore his history of manipulation and failure in business. Ignore his temperament and lack of professionalism. 

Let's look at the fact that his presidency makes me and many others feel physically unsafe. Not just the fact that he is president, but that there are enough people who are willing to support and even celebrate his utterly hateful and divisive rhetoric, behavior, and policy. This is not okay. People should not be this terrified by the outcome of an election. People should not feel unsafe in their own country. Our president elect is an accused rapist. Our president elect is a white supremacist. Our president elect is a misogynist. I'm horrified and disgusted that it has come to this. I honestly never considered it as an actual possible outcome. I thought we were smarter, more loving, and more inclusive than this. 

But I say all of this in a very heated and emotionally charged state. My fingers are crossed very tightly hoping that this pain and heartache goes away. And when it does, I will be ready to work. Because heaven knows, we've got a lot to do. 

I do not expect any of you to respect him. I know that I do not and will not. But I will stand with my country and for what I believe in. I will love my fellow Americans. I will love and support people of color, the lgbt* community, women, children, immigrants, and refugees. And I will fight like hell for all of you.

Do not leave. Don't even joke about it. Leaving the US is saying you are not willing to fight anymore. Leaving is giving up. I'm not ready to do that. And I hope none of you are either. 

november eighth

I've been thinking long and hard about the upcoming election. I haven't made any statements about who I'm voting for because I honestly haven't really known until now. But before I reveal anything to you, I want to talk about what lead me to my decision and things I have learned.

Rule number one: never trust a source that indicates its political leanings in its URL or title.
Rule number two: don't really trust any other sources either.

I learned that one of the easiest ways to really understand where you fall on the political spectrum is to read sources that you know are biased and find which ones give you a feeling of solidarity and which ones make you want to rip off someone's head. While living in Utah I have slowly been developing my political ideation and as most of you can probably guess, it doesn't quite align with the culture. In fact, the longer I live in conservative communities, the more liberal I seem to become. I'm not really one for going with the flow. And this has become increasingly clear throughout this election season. I cannot even scroll through Facebook without becoming irrationally upset about something someone posted. And so far I've had the decency to not argue with anyone. You're welcome.

For the record, I'm the last person to tell you not to vote third party. In fact, I strongly encourage you to do so if you feel like a third party candidate is more suited for presidency. Because let's face it, the options we have been given are less than ideal. Both major party candidates are plagued with scandal and mistrust. So I started looking into third party candidates. But the problem I quickly faced was the lack of left wing leaning third party options, or at least ones that I could see myself behind.

I decided that I wanted my vote to both voice my political opinions and influence the outcome of the election. In Utah, that leaves me with three choices: Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and Evan McMullin.

Donald Trump angers and disgusts me to my very core. Hearing him speak, seeing his face, even reading words from his supporters fills me with an insane amount of rage. I knew from the very beginning that there was no way he could ever earn my support. If his policies and beliefs weren't enough to dissuade me, his impossible temperament and character sure did. He has never been a justifiable option for me and I don't understand how he is for anyone else. But I'm not going to turn this post into a Trump bash. You're also welcome for that.

Evan McMullin has shown upstanding character and this initially made him appealing. But unfortunately, I agree with him on very little policy, which, believe it or not, is still important in this election. I'd also like to point out that it seems to be that many individuals (not all, don't fight me on this please), specifically in Utah, have decided that he would make a good president merely because he is Mormon. Sadly, his religious affiliation is not a valid qualification for the office. Sorry, Mitt Romney.

Finally we come to Hillary Clinton. She has been under political scrutiny for the majority of her career and a good portion of her life. The name Clinton is laced with scandal and conspiracy. I recognized this and judged her accordingly. But then I realized that the only reason I disliked her, was because I was being told to. I had no idea why I hated her. So I stopped doing so and looked from a clean slate perspective. Tabula rasa, if you will. And I realized that our political standpoints line up pretty well. 85% if you ask Isidewith.com. And I also realized that I am going to put faith in our governmental system; though I still plan to be judicial in that matter. But if the FBI says that there was not sufficient evidence to indict her, I am going to believe that. And I am not going to judge her based on the actions of her husband. I am going to judge her based on my own perspective. I'm going to look at what she has done in her career. I'm going to look at her proposed policy changes. I'm looking at her professionalism, her experience, and her temperament.

I am not going to look at her as a supreme leader. I'm going to recognize the checks and balances put in place to ensure that the US is a democracy. I'm going to stand beside the civil and human rights movements that have become a strong part of my values.

And I am going to stand by the candidate who's policies and beliefs I think will make our country stronger, more united, and more equal. So with that, I guess I'm telling you all that I'm With Her, no matter what that means to anyone else.

#BlackLivesMatter

It's strange how a simple and truthful sentence can cause so much controversy. And on top of that, it's not even the sentiment that is debated. As far as I have seen, no one is going around arguing that black lives don't matter, we're pretty much in agreement that they do, at least vocally.

The issue people have seems to be the focus and exclusivity of the statement. We are only talking about black lives and that's what bugs everyone. But that's also why it needs to be said, over and over again. If we are not comfortable standing up for black lives when they are not tied to our own, we are failing our black brothers and sisters.

(I know many people have issues with the #BlackLivesMatter movement because of it's leadership and the way it's being run. I would refer you to this post that I wrote about 6 months ago. Movements are inherently flawed because as humans we are as well. That is not an excuse to sit out.)

It's funny though, how the same people who have such a problem with "black lives matter" seem to have no issue spouting off about #BlueLivesMatter in support of the police force. I've seen it stated several times, though I cannot find the original source, that if you have a problem with #BlackLivesMatter but you are fine with #BlueLivesMatter, than "the operative word is black." The word "black" is what makes you uncomfortable. At the end of the day, both of these statements are true, but replacing the word black with "blue" or "all" draws attention away from the initial issue, that black lives are profiled and targeted.

I was once talking to a friend from high school about growing up black. She told me about how her father would talk to her younger brother at an early age about how if he was ever pulled over or approached by the police that he must do exactly what the officer tells him to do, even if it is unlawful or infringes upon his rights, because it might just be the difference between life and death. I remember being astounded by this, knowing that it is not something anyone had or would ever teach me. Because as a white girl, this was not something I would ever have to worry about. But it is a reality for young black boys. One small move of their hand could end their life. And that is why #BlackLivesMatter is so important.

So why, as white individuals, are we so insistent on making sure that we are not left out of focus? The reason some of us are so insistent that we talk about "all" lives mattering is because we feel like the exclamation that black lives matter somehow means that white lives do not. We want to be included because acknowledging that black lives matter separate from our own takes us away from the privilege that provides us with so much comfort. But here's the thing. Whether or not a white life matters has never been a discussion. White lives have been held consistently more valuable than others. Just ask Christopher Columbus about that one.

But I think part of this need for inclusion stems from the popular white stance of skin colorblindness. If we ignore race, we can't be racist. And this way, we continue to stay in a place of privilege without directly acknowledging it. However, colorblindness disregards the beauty that can be experienced through exploration of other cultures and their backgrounds. Colorblindness isn't a solution to racism. In some ways, even, it plays into racism and the quieting of other views and perspectives on life.

But then I got to wondering what people's stance was on their own racism. So I took to twitter, a very unbiased and empirical source, to see what people think. I posed the question of whether or not poll-takers think that they can be racist sometimes. I provided the following options with the following results.

Fortunately it seems most of my followers, plus those directed to the poll from Facebook, seem to take the productive stance of recognizing their own racism and the need for progression. What really struck me though, was the percentage of people who responded that they identify as racist, yet make no claim to be trying to improve on that fault. And no you cannot argue that it is not a fault without being incredibly offense so please don't try. But this essentially means, assuming these results are unbiased and representative (which they probably aren't), that one in every 10 people you meet is racist, knows they are, and has no desire to do anything about it. That's honestly terrifying. And that's not even noting the 5% that responded that deny that racism exists at all.

We live in a world built of hierarchies. Society directs us to look at the people around us and rank ourselves against them. One point if your white, another if your male, and even another if you're wealthy. Oh, you're gay? We have to take two of those points away now. But the fact that we still allow this to happen, even in our own minds is an indicator of how much more work we have to do to find equity and equality. We must transform our own views in order to change the system and it requires a deep personal effort. We must recognize privilege in ourselves and use it to level the playing field. Another groups societal advancement does not mean the regression of our own.

The Declaration of Independence states that "we hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal," that we are "endowed by [our] Creator with certain unalienable Rights, . . . Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness." Unalienable: unable to be taken or given away. So why are we allowing them to be taken away from others? Why do we often give them away ourselves?

I think that as a nation we have lost sight of this original and powerful purpose, to provide individuals with those three things. We have the right to life, to breathe steadily and exist equally. To interact with law enforcement without the fear of fatal judgment. We have the right to liberty, to be free from oppressive leadership. To grow and advance ourselves, unhindered by the societal view of our biology. We have a right to the pursuit of happiness, a right to laugh, smile, and feel safe in our own skin. We are failing to provide that for everyone. And for that we should be ashamed.

embracing vulnerability

For those of you who haven't noticed, it has been a while since I've posted anything. I'd like to blame it on post-grad business or the fact that my social life is flourishing or that I'm just lazy and haven't been up to writing recently. But the truth is I have tried and I also have several drafts waiting to be finished and posted. Even this one has been stewing since February. Writing takes a lot of guts. You're putting pieces of yourself out there for the world to see and that can be incredibly scary. Opening yourself up makes you a lot more exposed to pain and criticism. So often it is easier to just shut yourself off in the first place. But I have discovered that this is not productive.

Something I've been thinking about recently and sporadically for the past several years is vulnerability. Long story short, vulnerability sucks and I'm horrible about facing it. But anyone that knows me, knows I have a deep love for TED talks. And anyone that really truly knows me, knows that my favorite is Brené Brown's talk on "The Power of Vulnerability." I've even posted about this exact talk before. I seriously love it. Every time I watch it I feel like my outlook is changed, but unfortunately, my behavior rarely is.

I want to be more vulnerable. I want to embrace it and change my own life. But regardless of my desire to be more vulnerable, I still can't allow myself to do it. I am absolutely petrified to truly put myself out there, despite any evidence to the contrary. I've kind of built myself a mask. Most people think I'm confident. And I am... sometimes. But I'm only confident when I'm comfortable. As soon as I'm out of my comfort zone, that confidence is basically shattered. And unfortunately, my comfort zone isn't that big. I hate things I'm not good at and usually just avoid them so I don't have to show my weaknesses. But at the same time, it can keep me from trying new things or developing new skills.

Every day we face decisions that make us choose between shelter and exposure. And usually, shelter is the easier option. We avoid hurt and heartache. But in avoiding the bad things, we also avoid so many great things.

Unfortunately, I lean towards choosing shelter. I'd rather be safe and cozy than exposed to the weathering effects of the world. And this kind of behavior and decision-making is routed in shame and fear. My discomfort in letting myself be vulnerable is linked to my fear that people won't like what they see and my shame in the fact that I don't always like it either. And this self-sheltering keeps me safe, but it doesn't help me grow.

If we could hand pick emotions we like and emotions we don't want to feel again, life would be much easier. But life is dichotomous and each of the wonderful, positive emotions we wouldn't want to lose has a negative counterpart. The presence of both negative and positive emotions helps us to understand the other more fully. So yes, the negative emotions suck. But without them, we wouldn't be able to recognize joy, love, or accomplishment. We need the negative to know the positive and that can be hard to reconcile.

I've never been an emotional person. I don't let myself really feel the good or the bad. And I think it's because I choose not to feel the bad so I'm not as keen at recognizing the good when it hits me. I'm learning to cry and not beat myself up for it. I'm learning to open myself up to people and truly let them into my heart. Vulnerability is fundamental to experiencing emotion to its fullest. We have to let ourselves feel all of our emotions, positive and negative. In this, we will truly know ourselves and we will truly develop connection with others. As Brown states in her talk, those who truly embrace vulnerability are wholehearted. So by shutting ourselves down to vulnerability, we are shutting down parts of our hearts. We were given this capacity to feel so that we could enrich our own lives and bless the lives of others. Why would we not allow ourselves to experience that to its fullest?

Embracing vulnerability is living our life at maximum capacity. It's taking a leap off a cliff knowing that you'll have to free fall before you deploy your parachute. It's moving to a new city without any plans for what you're going to do there. It's knowing that you're worthy of love and belonging despite what others might tell you in opposition. It's opening up your soul to someone and not knowing what they'll think of what they find inside.

I wish I could sit atop my high horse and tell you all how great vulnerability is in unleashing the beauties of life. But the truth is I've kinda dug myself into a hole and that high horse is standing at the top laughing at me. I hate vulnerability. I'm nowhere close to being able to truly use its power to benefit my life. I'm slowly climbing out of this hole, but it's a long way to the top. And I guess the only way to truly get there is to believe both that I can and that I'm worthy to do so.

what qualifies you to be loved

I've been thinking a lot lately about the idea of love, familial, platonic, and romantic and what makes a person worthy of it. It seems as though some people are more likely than others to find love, to be in love, and to love others. I wanted to know what made them different than myself.

If you know me at all, you know that I can suppress my emotions like no other. I have them; they are there, but a very lucky few get to witness them. And that's not to say that I don't express emotion at all. I get excited and you can tell when I'm happy. I'm really good at showing anger and frustration. But if you want anything deeper than that, you're gonna have to dig.

And for a while now, I've been trying to figure out what about me, made me incapable of embracing those emotions, whether they were love, or hurt, or sadness. I wanted to know how I could allow myself to express those feelings without having to open myself up and make myself vulnerable. And of course, I haven't figured out a way to do that, because it's not possible. Vulnerability is kind of the backbone to deep emotion. And I'm still learning how to use it.

But this realization did not help me solve my initial problem. I wanted to know what made others so much more likely to find love in all capacities than I felt like I was. I saw people around me falling in love and when you see that so often, it's hard not to want it for yourself. But the problem I was facing was the fact that I was equating love to romance. They are not always the same. I saw roommates and friends with their significant others and I would think about how happy they must be and how much love they must have in their lives. And it's true that they have much more romantic love, but that does not mean that I had a deficit of love in general.

There are four types of love, as established by the Greek culture and language. Eros, the most commonly acknowledged love, is romantic. Philia is platonic, or friendship love, Storge is familial love, and Agape is Christlike love. Movies, books, and other media tell us that Eros is the most desirable of these types of love. Love has become synonymous with romance. But Eros is also the most temperamental kind of love. It rarely has a strong base unless tied to another kind of love as well. Philia is developed based on emotional connection, Storge on family ties, and Agape on the unconditional love for a person based on the knowledge that they are worth loving because Chirst loves them. All of these types of love are strong and necessary and powerful.

I'm trying to figure out how to write this without sounding whiny or desperate. I want to express how I feel but I know how it sounds. The thing is I want to be in love. I see it everyday in my coworkers, my friends, and my family. I see how happy it can make someone. I want someone to love me and I want someone to love. I want to go on cute dates and hold hands and kiss. I want all of those things, but somehow I've connected wanting those things in my mind with weakness. I've gone the overwhelming majority of my life without them and somehow I connect wanting them to submission or dependence. I have lived so much of my life single that I have taught myself that wanting anything else is almost disrespectful to all of the blessings I have in my life right now. And I link feeling this way to shame.

We tear ourselves down when we don't have aspects of Eros in our lives as if it is the pinnacle of love. And then we look for the things that we think might be preventing us from attaining Eros and we minimize those key characteristics of our lives. We look at ourselves and ask "what qualifies me to be loved? and what disqualifies me?" as if love is something you earn based on your looks or personality. We belittle and neglect the other kinds of love in our lives in our search for Eros. We forget that the lack of a romantic relationship in our lives does not make us any less than others. We assume that if we do not have it, we must not be worthy of it.

The truth is nothing can qualify you to be loved. It's not something you earn and it's not something you necessarily deserve either. Everyone is worthy of love in some way. Love is not a gift, but a choice made by yourself and others. Discover all the reasons to love yourself. Find the people in your life that love you for you. That love might be Eros, Storge, Philia, and hopefully Agape, but once you find it, hold on to it for dear life.