embracing vulnerability

For those of you who haven't noticed, it has been a while since I've posted anything. I'd like to blame it on post-grad business or the fact that my social life is flourishing or that I'm just lazy and haven't been up to writing recently. But the truth is I have tried and I also have several drafts waiting to be finished and posted. Even this one has been stewing since February. Writing takes a lot of guts. You're putting pieces of yourself out there for the world to see and that can be incredibly scary. Opening yourself up makes you a lot more exposed to pain and criticism. So often it is easier to just shut yourself off in the first place. But I have discovered that this is not productive.

Something I've been thinking about recently and sporadically for the past several years is vulnerability. Long story short, vulnerability sucks and I'm horrible about facing it. But anyone that knows me, knows I have a deep love for TED talks. And anyone that really truly knows me, knows that my favorite is Brené Brown's talk on "The Power of Vulnerability." I've even posted about this exact talk before. I seriously love it. Every time I watch it I feel like my outlook is changed, but unfortunately, my behavior rarely is.

I want to be more vulnerable. I want to embrace it and change my own life. But regardless of my desire to be more vulnerable, I still can't allow myself to do it. I am absolutely petrified to truly put myself out there, despite any evidence to the contrary. I've kind of built myself a mask. Most people think I'm confident. And I am... sometimes. But I'm only confident when I'm comfortable. As soon as I'm out of my comfort zone, that confidence is basically shattered. And unfortunately, my comfort zone isn't that big. I hate things I'm not good at and usually just avoid them so I don't have to show my weaknesses. But at the same time, it can keep me from trying new things or developing new skills.

Every day we face decisions that make us choose between shelter and exposure. And usually, shelter is the easier option. We avoid hurt and heartache. But in avoiding the bad things, we also avoid so many great things.

Unfortunately, I lean towards choosing shelter. I'd rather be safe and cozy than exposed to the weathering effects of the world. And this kind of behavior and decision-making is routed in shame and fear. My discomfort in letting myself be vulnerable is linked to my fear that people won't like what they see and my shame in the fact that I don't always like it either. And this self-sheltering keeps me safe, but it doesn't help me grow.

If we could hand pick emotions we like and emotions we don't want to feel again, life would be much easier. But life is dichotomous and each of the wonderful, positive emotions we wouldn't want to lose has a negative counterpart. The presence of both negative and positive emotions helps us to understand the other more fully. So yes, the negative emotions suck. But without them, we wouldn't be able to recognize joy, love, or accomplishment. We need the negative to know the positive and that can be hard to reconcile.

I've never been an emotional person. I don't let myself really feel the good or the bad. And I think it's because I choose not to feel the bad so I'm not as keen at recognizing the good when it hits me. I'm learning to cry and not beat myself up for it. I'm learning to open myself up to people and truly let them into my heart. Vulnerability is fundamental to experiencing emotion to its fullest. We have to let ourselves feel all of our emotions, positive and negative. In this, we will truly know ourselves and we will truly develop connection with others. As Brown states in her talk, those who truly embrace vulnerability are wholehearted. So by shutting ourselves down to vulnerability, we are shutting down parts of our hearts. We were given this capacity to feel so that we could enrich our own lives and bless the lives of others. Why would we not allow ourselves to experience that to its fullest?

Embracing vulnerability is living our life at maximum capacity. It's taking a leap off a cliff knowing that you'll have to free fall before you deploy your parachute. It's moving to a new city without any plans for what you're going to do there. It's knowing that you're worthy of love and belonging despite what others might tell you in opposition. It's opening up your soul to someone and not knowing what they'll think of what they find inside.

I wish I could sit atop my high horse and tell you all how great vulnerability is in unleashing the beauties of life. But the truth is I've kinda dug myself into a hole and that high horse is standing at the top laughing at me. I hate vulnerability. I'm nowhere close to being able to truly use its power to benefit my life. I'm slowly climbing out of this hole, but it's a long way to the top. And I guess the only way to truly get there is to believe both that I can and that I'm worthy to do so.