So today marks a year since I started this blog and even though this is the absolute worst thing for me to be doing right now because I have a midterm tomorrow, two papers due at the beginning of next week, and I'm going to be in Boise, ID all weekend, I thought I'd commemorate this blessed day.
When I first made this blog, I honestly figured that I would write maybe 3 or 4 posts and then forget that it existed. But as it turns out, I have a lot of feelings and opinions and I've now been at it for a whole year and have published about 24 posts.
This is post 25. Happy birthday to me.
I really want to thank all of you who have continuously read my ramblings and put up with my imperfect opinions. The truth is sometimes I just really need an outlet. And clearly the best way to channel your thoughts and feelings is to put them on the internet for anyone to read. But it's really taught me a lot about my own vulnerability.
If you haven't watched it before, I strongly suggest that you watch Brené Brown's TED talk on vulnerability. In her talk, she describes the power of vulnerability and the power in embracing it. Vulnerability is often equated to weakness. When we are vulnerable, we are exposed and susceptible to damage. But we are also strong and free.
Despite contrary belief, vulnerability is not weakness. Sometimes, we may feel that way, but we have to recognize the strength it takes to become vulnerable. Exposing yourself and your weaknesses is hard and requires a lot of courage. We don't want to open ourselves up because it means we can be easily targeted and harmed. But putting on a tough outer shell never makes you stronger inside. You have to endure the damage that vulnerability can entail and heal from it in order to truly be strong. And to do that, you have to embrace to the possibility of being wounded.
There have been many times while writing posts that I stop part way through to decide whether it's truly worth finishing. In fact, I have about three drafts waiting in my cue, partially written and left to collect dust. But writing and publishing my thoughts has been more fulfilling than I could have imagined. None of my posts have hit the big time, but being able to hear and read responses to my thoughts and my words has been an incredible experience. It's amazing to see both positive and negative feedback. It's insane that people even want to read my silly musings. Insane and surreal.
So I want to propose a challenge to all of you lovely and enduring readers. If there is something you want to do, something you want to say, just do it. Nike's had it right all along. Don't hesitate. Embrace your vulnerability. Try something new. Develop a new talent. Or learn that you're really bad at whatever it is. You'll truly never know until you try.
So thank you. For putting up with me, for clicking the silly little Facebook link, for reading what I have to say. I'm so glad I was able to say it to you. And I'm so glad you gave me the opportunity to be vulnerable. Because "to feel this vulnerable, means I'm alive" (Brené Brown, 2010).
Thursday, October 22, 2015
Friday, October 9, 2015
a race without winners
When I was in elementary school, I was very proud of my height. I was the tallest kid in my class for several years and I even remember being devastated when one of my classmates outgrew me. My freckles were constellations illustrating my features. I loved to dance and sing. I liked musicals and hot wheel cars. I was awkward and laughed at everything, but it was okay because I was myself and that's all that mattered.
Elementary school was a glorious time of freedom. It was a time when cares didn't press on your shoulders. You can run like the wind and play among the stars. You can look, think, and feel however you want. Learning is fun and the world is ready to be explored.
But as you grow up, the world becomes bigger and more harsh. You become confined by standards and comparisons. Instead of looking at a thing of beauty and recognizing what you can become, you recognize what you are not. Learning becomes difficult and the world doesn't seem as accessible as it once did.
College is different than elementary school, especially when you attend a school with such a strong culture. BYU is a wonderful school and I'm so glad I came here, but it's not as perfect as some people would like to think it is. The truth is, going to BYU can be really hard on your self-esteem and self-image. I'd like to think of myself as a pretty confident person. I have accepted who I am and I know my worth. But I wouldn't be writing this if I believed it 100% of the time.
I want to talk about some aspects of the BYU/Mormon culture that have made it hard for me (and probably others) to really feel secure in self-worth, both individually and collectively.
Righteousness/Personal Growth
In addition to the typical academic competition present at university, BYU has an added aspect of religious competition. If you are LDS (which about 99% of us are) you are constantly surrounded by people who share your beliefs. In this kind of environment, it is difficult to avoid comparing yourself with your friends and peers. In these comparisons there is often a feeling of singularity. Everyone else is doing so well, and I am alone in my struggles. And when you combine these feelings of inadequacy and solidarity, self-esteem is arduous to maintain.
This time in our lives should be about our personal spiritual growth. This growth cannot be meaningful if accomplished through competition. You can only truly grow when you are seeking progression for the sake of progress and out of your love of God. Competition is fueled by love of man and reputation, thus advancement with this motivation is not divine. We need to recognize that though we are all running the same race, there aren't prizes for those who finish first. God loves us whether we are leading the pack or falling behind. He even loves us when we wander off the trail. Religion is not a competition, so we need to stop playing it like there's a trophy to win.
Dating
Please don't ever ask me why I am single. Besides not actually having a strong answer to that question, it implies that there is something wrong with the fact that I am not currently in a relationship. There's not.
During one of my very first church meetings at BYU two years ago, the women in the ward were given the counsel to "date boys." Yep, it was that blunt. (Please note: this is definitely not the only time I have or will receive this advice, it's everywhere). I have done a poor job following this counsel, sometimes by my own personal choice, sometimes not. But the pressure of dating and marriage is overwhelming. And this can even be tied into my previous complaint. The LDS church is built on the organization of the family. It is seen as and is the ultimate goal of our time in this mortal life. But this ties our dating habits to our to our religious behavior and belief. If you are not going on dates regularly, it can almost be seen as sacrilegious.
The Lord's timing for each of us is personal and different. Whether we are married, dating, or wondering why we haven't been asked out in months, the Lord loves us and has a plan for us. We need to trust His timing and know that dating doesn't make or break our religious well-being. It's a fierce competition here in Provo, but once again there are not winners and losers. I am no more or less based on my relationship status.
Happiness
It has been said (and empirically documented) that Mormon's have a certain glow about them. We are a happy people. We face trial with optimism and see light in the darkness and it doesn't go unnoticed. But with this stereotype comes the challenge to uphold it. If you follow a Mormon on Instagram or are friends with one on Facebook you have probably seen how "blessed" and "grateful" they are. And these are not bad things to be, but it becomes damaging when you feel you have to suppress negative emotion to be or pretend to be so.
There is a huge pressure to be happy all the time, and when you're not, to feign that you are. Specifically as a Mormon girl, you are supposed to be peppy about life with your hair in curls and your skirt to your knees. Problem one, my hair is perpetually straight and curling takes too much effort. Problem two, I'm not always happy. In fact, I'm often stressed or irritated. I don't always (or ever) fit the cute, happy Mormon girl mold. And I don't really mind that I don't either, but it can cause me to lose sight of my place in the Mormon community as a whole.
There should not be a mold. The word "Mormon" shouldn't evoke thoughts of stereotypes, but thoughts of spirituality, diversity, and love. I shouldn't feel the need to adorn myself in a constant smile and mint green statement necklace to feel like I belong. If you are not happy all the time, you don't have to pretend that you are. And if you are happy, you don't have to tell the social media world if you don't want to.
There is not a checklist to be a good Mormon. You don't have to do certain things every day. You don't have to be with the love of your life right now. You don't have to put on a smile if it gets too hard to do so. You are not worth less based on the number of people ahead of you. You are not worth less if you don't fit the mold. Life isn't a race, it's a journey to make at your own pace. And Mormonism isn't a stereotype, it's a belief system.
Elementary school was a glorious time of freedom. It was a time when cares didn't press on your shoulders. You can run like the wind and play among the stars. You can look, think, and feel however you want. Learning is fun and the world is ready to be explored.
But as you grow up, the world becomes bigger and more harsh. You become confined by standards and comparisons. Instead of looking at a thing of beauty and recognizing what you can become, you recognize what you are not. Learning becomes difficult and the world doesn't seem as accessible as it once did.
College is different than elementary school, especially when you attend a school with such a strong culture. BYU is a wonderful school and I'm so glad I came here, but it's not as perfect as some people would like to think it is. The truth is, going to BYU can be really hard on your self-esteem and self-image. I'd like to think of myself as a pretty confident person. I have accepted who I am and I know my worth. But I wouldn't be writing this if I believed it 100% of the time.
I want to talk about some aspects of the BYU/Mormon culture that have made it hard for me (and probably others) to really feel secure in self-worth, both individually and collectively.
Righteousness/Personal Growth
In addition to the typical academic competition present at university, BYU has an added aspect of religious competition. If you are LDS (which about 99% of us are) you are constantly surrounded by people who share your beliefs. In this kind of environment, it is difficult to avoid comparing yourself with your friends and peers. In these comparisons there is often a feeling of singularity. Everyone else is doing so well, and I am alone in my struggles. And when you combine these feelings of inadequacy and solidarity, self-esteem is arduous to maintain.
This time in our lives should be about our personal spiritual growth. This growth cannot be meaningful if accomplished through competition. You can only truly grow when you are seeking progression for the sake of progress and out of your love of God. Competition is fueled by love of man and reputation, thus advancement with this motivation is not divine. We need to recognize that though we are all running the same race, there aren't prizes for those who finish first. God loves us whether we are leading the pack or falling behind. He even loves us when we wander off the trail. Religion is not a competition, so we need to stop playing it like there's a trophy to win.
Dating
Please don't ever ask me why I am single. Besides not actually having a strong answer to that question, it implies that there is something wrong with the fact that I am not currently in a relationship. There's not.
During one of my very first church meetings at BYU two years ago, the women in the ward were given the counsel to "date boys." Yep, it was that blunt. (Please note: this is definitely not the only time I have or will receive this advice, it's everywhere). I have done a poor job following this counsel, sometimes by my own personal choice, sometimes not. But the pressure of dating and marriage is overwhelming. And this can even be tied into my previous complaint. The LDS church is built on the organization of the family. It is seen as and is the ultimate goal of our time in this mortal life. But this ties our dating habits to our to our religious behavior and belief. If you are not going on dates regularly, it can almost be seen as sacrilegious.
The Lord's timing for each of us is personal and different. Whether we are married, dating, or wondering why we haven't been asked out in months, the Lord loves us and has a plan for us. We need to trust His timing and know that dating doesn't make or break our religious well-being. It's a fierce competition here in Provo, but once again there are not winners and losers. I am no more or less based on my relationship status.
Happiness
It has been said (and empirically documented) that Mormon's have a certain glow about them. We are a happy people. We face trial with optimism and see light in the darkness and it doesn't go unnoticed. But with this stereotype comes the challenge to uphold it. If you follow a Mormon on Instagram or are friends with one on Facebook you have probably seen how "blessed" and "grateful" they are. And these are not bad things to be, but it becomes damaging when you feel you have to suppress negative emotion to be or pretend to be so.
There is a huge pressure to be happy all the time, and when you're not, to feign that you are. Specifically as a Mormon girl, you are supposed to be peppy about life with your hair in curls and your skirt to your knees. Problem one, my hair is perpetually straight and curling takes too much effort. Problem two, I'm not always happy. In fact, I'm often stressed or irritated. I don't always (or ever) fit the cute, happy Mormon girl mold. And I don't really mind that I don't either, but it can cause me to lose sight of my place in the Mormon community as a whole.
There should not be a mold. The word "Mormon" shouldn't evoke thoughts of stereotypes, but thoughts of spirituality, diversity, and love. I shouldn't feel the need to adorn myself in a constant smile and mint green statement necklace to feel like I belong. If you are not happy all the time, you don't have to pretend that you are. And if you are happy, you don't have to tell the social media world if you don't want to.
There is not a checklist to be a good Mormon. You don't have to do certain things every day. You don't have to be with the love of your life right now. You don't have to put on a smile if it gets too hard to do so. You are not worth less based on the number of people ahead of you. You are not worth less if you don't fit the mold. Life isn't a race, it's a journey to make at your own pace. And Mormonism isn't a stereotype, it's a belief system.
Friday, September 18, 2015
chocolate cake
Say your best friend has some chocolate cake. It's the best chocolate cake in the entire universe. Your approaching the end of your life and you are finally told about this bomb cake, even though your friend has had it all along. Wouldn't you be ticked if they had never shared that cake with you?
Well, I have a cake. It's pretty much the sweetest cake there is, and I've not really been the best at sharing it. Not because I don't want to, but because I'm never totally sure how. So I'm going to try to now. We're talking about some dope Mormon cake. The cake of the gospel. Jesus cake? Is that sacrilegious? Anyway...
I was born into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I've been to a couple other churches throughout my life and I've had friends of all kinds of religions. Honestly, I haven't done much exploring outside of Mormonism, but I've also never felt the need to. I like the taste of my Mormon cake. I know it's the right cake for me. And I love it with all my heart. And when you love something, you share it with the people you love.
I know that most of my readers are Mormon as well, so I'll spare the details of the establishment of the church, but if you are interested, you can look here for information on the people, values, and beliefs of the church. And if you have any questions ever about our beliefs, my inbox is just a click away!
I think the one of most comforting thing about being a Mormon is the belief system and community that ensures that you never have to feel alone. In the church there is a strong focus on family. In fact, the older I get the more I recognize that while on this earth, our family, by blood, by community, and eternally, is the most important aspect of our lives. Due to this focus on the family unit, there is a very strong sense of family beyond the bonds of marriage or birth. We refer to each other as brother and sister just as naturally as we would call someone by their first name. We talk about our ward family or in single's wards, our family home evening brothers, sisters, and parents. The family is the basic unit, and not just by name, but by connection. Even when you may not know the people in your congregation as best as you could, it is easy to love them and feel connected with them.
And the most important aspects of these familial connections are our Father in Heaven and our brother, Jesus Christ. Though many people aren't aware, the Mormon church is first and foremost, a Christian church. Christ is the very center of our beliefs. The Atonement is at the forefront of our teachings. I know that it is through the Atonement that I can be forgiven and cleansed of my sins. And that's the next great thing about my church that I want to discuss. You never run out of chances.
Each week that you attend church and take of the sacrament, you get to start over. Each time you pray and truly repent of your sins, you get to start over. And you never run out of those chances. It's not like a video game; you can't run out of repentance lives. And it's fantastic. Because we all make mistakes, a lot of them. But with my knowledge of the gospel, I know that I can repent of those things and commit to improving my life. An unlimited amount of times. And all of this is possible through Christ's sacrifice. A sacrifice he was willing to make for the whole world, but also for everyone personally.
And that's the next thing that I love about the gospel of Jesus Christ. It is so personal. We often get overwhelmed by the number of people in this world and this causes us to question our own individual worth. We wonder whether or not God truly knows who we are. We wonder if we are significant. But the LDS church makes dealing with those doubts and questions much easier. God does know us and loves us personally. We each have a role in His divine plan.
The final thing I want to share about the church I love so much is the role of prophets. Many people believe that prophets are a thing of the past, a key aspect of the ancient church, but no longer necessary in our time. Others believe that God has left our world without prophets because He no longer loves us or desires to communicate with us. I know that latter reasoning is false, because I have felt God's love and I know he would not leave His children on earth without guidance. And the first reasoning just does not sit right with me. If Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8), why would the organization of His church change?
The LDS church is one of the only churches that believes that prophets and their communication with God are still present today. The blessing that comes with this is that we are still privileged to hear revelations that are specific to our time. We do believe in the Bible and the Book of Mormon, however they are ancient documents. These books or scripture are essential, but modern revelation gives us guidance for our day. Twice a year, we are able to listen to the words of these prophets and apostles in their General Conference addresses. This October marks the 185th Semiannual General Conference of the Church* (the 185th Annual General Conference being held in April of this year). I am so grateful for the opportunity to hear the words of God specific to my time and my life.
So that's my chocolate cake. You can choose what you do with it. But know that I love this cake. I love it with all my might, mind, heart, and strength. And because of that love, I want others to know about it too.
*This can be watched here on October 3rd and 4th at 10am and 2pm MST. If you are at all interested in the church or what I have written in this post, I HIGHLY recommend tuning in for a bit!
Thursday, September 10, 2015
reform: immigration and attitude
If there's one thing to know about my opinions of the upcoming presidential election it's that I am strongly opposed to Donald Trump and I am terrified by the idea of him running this country. He's running his campaign on the slogan "Make America Great Again." How does he plan to do so? By getting rid of people he considers lesser Americans. In fact, if you go to his campaign website, the only thing under his positions tab is his stance on immigration reform. It's central to his campaign and it would be central to his presidency (and let's just hope it doesn't go that far).
His immigration policy relies on several things: making Mexicans build the wall keeping them out of our country, increasing security and the processing of documentation, and deporting all illegal immigrants, including the discontinuation of birthright citizenship.
Let's ignore the fact that this would most likely cause more strain on our economy than it would benefit it and focus on the social issues it would cause domestically. It will cause unnecessary conflict between the US and Mexico. And of course, in this situation, the US will make itself the bigger, scary superior and force Mexico into compliance. It would increase segregation and discrimination in our communities and it would revert us even further into civil rights issues.
In America, we are so surrounded by freedoms and rights that we cannot comprehend life without them. We fail to understand that other countries are far behind us when it comes to political advancement. (We also fail to see how other countries are surpassing us, but that's another topic). Essentially, we have it good here (though there is always room for improvement). And other people recognize that too.
Here's something to understand about immigration, whether legal or illegal. These individuals are choosing to leave their home country for a country that widely disapproves of them because they believe living here will be better for their future. They are leaving everything they know and risking the chance of being sent back to it in order to pursue potential opportunity for a brighter future. I think that says something about the state they are in. That decision deserves compassion from our side.
We also have to note how difficult and time-consuming it can be to enter the US and gain citizenship on a legal basis. There are policies in document retrieval that cause people to be stuck in the process. When it takes years in order for spouses to be reunited because getting a visa is too difficult, it is clear there are problems to be solved.
We do need immigration reform, in the sense that we need to show compassion to individuals fleeing their home land to find better lives for themselves and their families. We need to provide means for individuals to gain citizenship so they can attain jobs to support their families. We need to speed up the process of documentation so people can reside with their loved ones legally.
Take for example, the refugee situation in Syria. As Americans, we are encouraging Europe to take in these Syrian refugees so they may escape their distressed and war-torn country. Over one-third of Syria has left or is attempting to leave. Their situation is so dire, that a large portion of the population is attempting to leave their homes. And we are in strong support of them doing so. We are telling European countries to open their borders to those less fortunate than themselves. However, we sit here in our homeland telling people that they cannot reside here because they are somehow a strain on our economy and resources. They are in similar situations. They are trying to escape danger and empty futures, yet we turn them away for our own benefit. It's selfish and hypocritical.
Despite your religious beliefs or views of creationism, we are all occupants of this world. Despite who you believe created the world, or how we ended up here, it is dangerous to assume that our occupancy dictates a right to regulate the existence of others on this land.
According to my own personal beliefs, God gave us this world for our mortal existence. He created the mountains and oceans and skies. He provided them as a location for us to live, experience mortal life, gain physical bodies, and grow closer to Him spiritually. It is such a blessing that we get to occupy this earth at the same time as billions of other people. We get the pleasure of interacting with thousands of people throughout our lives. However, we are self-righteous enough to believe that we have some right to decide where they fit with us on a social scale. We feel like we have the power to decide where they are allowed or not allowed to exist. We have taken this world that was given to us and made it into a power system. We attribute ourselves power over others, while ignoring the highest power of all.
Would God stop illegal immigrants from pursuing a brighter future because they don't reside in the country according to the laws of man? Of course, it is essential that we respect these laws, but nothing is said about changing them.
No matter what your current stance on immigration is, please take a moment to have compassion on these people who are leaving their comfort zone because they no longer feel comfortable there. Take time to love people who have the same goals as you, to find success and strength for themselves and their families. Take time to recognize the needs and desires of others, even if it does impede on your own personal or community ease. We are making the mistake of thinking that our personal gain is always the most important.
Throughout adolescence and early adulthood, I have come to recognize that the best way to view politics is not to reflect on our personal beliefs, but to look outwardly. What is best for us is not always best for the whole.
His immigration policy relies on several things: making Mexicans build the wall keeping them out of our country, increasing security and the processing of documentation, and deporting all illegal immigrants, including the discontinuation of birthright citizenship.
Let's ignore the fact that this would most likely cause more strain on our economy than it would benefit it and focus on the social issues it would cause domestically. It will cause unnecessary conflict between the US and Mexico. And of course, in this situation, the US will make itself the bigger, scary superior and force Mexico into compliance. It would increase segregation and discrimination in our communities and it would revert us even further into civil rights issues.
In America, we are so surrounded by freedoms and rights that we cannot comprehend life without them. We fail to understand that other countries are far behind us when it comes to political advancement. (We also fail to see how other countries are surpassing us, but that's another topic). Essentially, we have it good here (though there is always room for improvement). And other people recognize that too.
Here's something to understand about immigration, whether legal or illegal. These individuals are choosing to leave their home country for a country that widely disapproves of them because they believe living here will be better for their future. They are leaving everything they know and risking the chance of being sent back to it in order to pursue potential opportunity for a brighter future. I think that says something about the state they are in. That decision deserves compassion from our side.
We also have to note how difficult and time-consuming it can be to enter the US and gain citizenship on a legal basis. There are policies in document retrieval that cause people to be stuck in the process. When it takes years in order for spouses to be reunited because getting a visa is too difficult, it is clear there are problems to be solved.
We do need immigration reform, in the sense that we need to show compassion to individuals fleeing their home land to find better lives for themselves and their families. We need to provide means for individuals to gain citizenship so they can attain jobs to support their families. We need to speed up the process of documentation so people can reside with their loved ones legally.
Take for example, the refugee situation in Syria. As Americans, we are encouraging Europe to take in these Syrian refugees so they may escape their distressed and war-torn country. Over one-third of Syria has left or is attempting to leave. Their situation is so dire, that a large portion of the population is attempting to leave their homes. And we are in strong support of them doing so. We are telling European countries to open their borders to those less fortunate than themselves. However, we sit here in our homeland telling people that they cannot reside here because they are somehow a strain on our economy and resources. They are in similar situations. They are trying to escape danger and empty futures, yet we turn them away for our own benefit. It's selfish and hypocritical.
Despite your religious beliefs or views of creationism, we are all occupants of this world. Despite who you believe created the world, or how we ended up here, it is dangerous to assume that our occupancy dictates a right to regulate the existence of others on this land.
According to my own personal beliefs, God gave us this world for our mortal existence. He created the mountains and oceans and skies. He provided them as a location for us to live, experience mortal life, gain physical bodies, and grow closer to Him spiritually. It is such a blessing that we get to occupy this earth at the same time as billions of other people. We get the pleasure of interacting with thousands of people throughout our lives. However, we are self-righteous enough to believe that we have some right to decide where they fit with us on a social scale. We feel like we have the power to decide where they are allowed or not allowed to exist. We have taken this world that was given to us and made it into a power system. We attribute ourselves power over others, while ignoring the highest power of all.
Would God stop illegal immigrants from pursuing a brighter future because they don't reside in the country according to the laws of man? Of course, it is essential that we respect these laws, but nothing is said about changing them.
No matter what your current stance on immigration is, please take a moment to have compassion on these people who are leaving their comfort zone because they no longer feel comfortable there. Take time to love people who have the same goals as you, to find success and strength for themselves and their families. Take time to recognize the needs and desires of others, even if it does impede on your own personal or community ease. We are making the mistake of thinking that our personal gain is always the most important.
Throughout adolescence and early adulthood, I have come to recognize that the best way to view politics is not to reflect on our personal beliefs, but to look outwardly. What is best for us is not always best for the whole.
Friday, August 14, 2015
imaginary friends
One of the biggest mistakes we make as humans is thinking that others are exactly how we perceive them. We tend to assume that they really are what we think they are and what we think they should be. When we imagine others, we tend to ascribe them characteristics we have ourselves. We're a lot better at looking at people as if they are mirrors rather than looking at them like people. We want them to be like us because it makes them easier to understand. But when we imagine people, we rarely imagine correctly.
Humans are complicated creatures. It's the reason I've chosen psychology as my field of study and interest. I find the complexities of human nature fascinating. But these complexities make it extremely difficult to understand each other. No matter how desperately we want to fully understand one another, it is impossible to do so unless each party is completely transparent. And transparency is rare. We like to tuck away pieces of ourselves so that no one will see them. And unless we are clear about ourselves, we cannot expect others to be as well. When we hide so much of ourselves away from the public, we allow this imagining and misimagining to happen. And sometimes we want it to. We love being mysterious and we are enthralled when other people are as well. We don't want to be completely open because we don't want to lose our grip on our own mystery.
I've often referred to myself as a walking paradox, as if I am not allowed to contradict myself. I refer to my paradoxical qualities as if it is unique for someone to have so many facets. It's not, so why do we tell ourselves so? In addition to imagining others, we also simplify them. And when we simplify others, we expect ourselves to be simple as well. But we aren't. Simplicity isn't in human nature and it never has been. We are complicated, mentally, physically, and emotionally. But we boil ourselves down to a list of labels both self-ascribed and given to us. We expect these labels to encompass our personality and being, but its hard to accurately describe a living, breathing creature with a list of adjectives.
And when we assume that human nature is simple and easily explained, we miss out on a lot of the beauty of character. Instead of realizing the vastness of possibility in others, we simplify them to fit our own understanding. It's dangerous. We end up disappointed when someone doesn't behave in the way we expect. We are surprised when they are more complicated than we want them to be. Life would be much less difficult if humans were just easier to understand.
But we lose a lot when we simplify things. Beauty is found in the complexity. If humans were simple, how would we hold someone's interest? Why would we want to get to know a person better if we already understood them fully?
The truth is, imagining is inevitable. Humans are complex and it's hard to get to know someone well enough to not need to imagine parts of them. And imagining is fun. We get to wonder about who a person is and we get to learn about them as we interact with them. They are like a puzzle with infinite pieces and we get to put it together as we spend time with them. But it's also a puzzle that will never be completed. We will always be missing pieces of them and we won't ever be able to see the full picture. So we imagine it, whether we're right or wrong. We imagine their beauty and their flaws. We try to explain them without all of their pieces.
So misimagining is inevitable too. When we can't see everything as it is, we are bound to fill in the blanks with wrong ideas. The key is to be prepared for these mistakes. We just can't be too frustrated or upset when we get something wrong. We can't let our own misinterpretations get in the way of trying to further understand someone. The fun thing about imagination is you can always revise. The world is full of people, "each of them imaginable and consistently misimagined." But that doesn't mean we should stop imagining.
Monday, August 3, 2015
I hate "millennials"
Recently, people have been keen to blame problems in the world on an entire generation, specifically generation y, or generationals, or millennials. Whichever term you choose, it's probably used to demonize an entire age group of individuals.
But I'm not here to trash talk on a group of people I'm included in. I'm here to explain to you why these terms are not doing anything to help whatever problems you believe we may have caused. And that you can't really blame us for those problems anyway.
So yes, it's true. I hate millennials. The word. It's wrought with condescension and blame. And it does nothing to solve any perceived problems, especially when people included in the title use it mock their peers. (But for the lack of a better term, I will use it quite begrudgingly throughout this post)
The problem is, most of these complaints not even that accurate, at least from my experience. These complaints involve our proclivity for technology, our work ethic, our self-involvement, our lack of interest in marriage, and our moral and ethical beliefs. And because I can, I'm gonna break each of these down.
1. Technology: One of the most common complaints about millennials is our attachment to our phones. We have had the privilege of growing up in a time of exponential technological advancement, much of it provided by the generation above us. But then, when we use this technology, we are ridiculed for it. So the first this to note is without the generation who's complaining about or technology usage, we wouldn't even have a lot of that technology at our disposal. You can't just give us access to this kind of knowledge and communication and then become upset when we use it. Second, this technology provides us with unlimited information, communication, and outlets for creativity. Can you blame us for wanting to keep that access close? Given, there are times when our use of these technologies is excessive and unproductive. But you created it for us. Stop complaining that you don't like the way we are using it.
2. Work Ethic: I have heard many complaints about how my generation is too dependent on parents and others to be able to establish ourselves. We're entitled and as such, we are unable to work for our success. We're lazy and we just want everything handed to us. My first argument against this is that the population used to formulate this stereotype is not representative of the whole. They do exist but mind you, laziness is not something unique to the millennial generation. So maybe it's just the people I associate with, but my friends and acquaintances in my age group happen to be some of the most hardworking people I know. Starting at a young age, I have been surrounded by individuals who place their academic success before just about everything else in their lives. Many of my friends have neglected aspects of their social, mental, and physical well-being in order to be successful in their educational pursuits. And that kind of devotion is carried on to their careers. Most of the millennials I know are determined to do well for themselves, whether that means graduate level education or just finding a job to support themselves. As a whole, we are not a lazy generation. We work hard and have our sights set pretty dang high.
3. Self-Involvement: We are selfish. We only care about ourselves. But once again, unless I am only surrounded by the best of my generation, this isn't completely true. I would say that we have a tendency to care quite a bit about ourselves and our own successes. We were born into a corporate-driven marketplace. Unless we are a little self-involved, we aren't going to be very successful in our careers. But just because we are a little more concerned with our own advancements, doesn't mean we aren't concerned about others as well. Many of the millennials I know are quite supportive and service oriented. In fact, with the help of social media, millennials have sparked various positivity movements in order to support and love others. We really do care about things other than ourselves, whether it's seen or not.
4. Marriage and Family: Another complaint about millennials is that we are not as focused on marriage as we are expected or ought to be. We are getting married later or not getting married at all. We are called out for wanting to establish careers before we commit to a marriage relationship. And this is being made out to be a bad thing. First of all, there are a lot of millennials who are scared of that degree of commitment. We have grown up in a world where divorce is almost more common than a lasting marriage relationship. When we see divorce and the strife it causes for individuals and families, it is reasonable that we might want to take a bit more precaution in making those kinds of decisions. Second, many millennials focus on careers and establishing independence now so they can better provide for their families in the future. One of the most common issues in a marriage is finances, so maybe working those out beforehand isn't such a bad idea. I'm not knocking those who choose to get married early, but there just might be some merit to waiting.
5. Morals and Ethics: I'm not going to be the one to argue that our world isn't falling into a state of moral decay. There's evidence everywhere that morality is falling short to misconstrued independence and freedom. Specifically with sexuality, many are inclined to throw out moral standing and claim freedom of choice in regards to what is down with one's body. There is an astounding amount of violence and hate present in our communities. And people are claiming discrimination as freedom of speech. Politics are flooded with conflict rather than compromise. But millennials are very outspoken about issues that mean a lot to them. Sexual liberty is being used to combat gender roles, stereotypes, and double standards. People are coming together to protest violence and hatred. We are fighting for what we believe in and we are standing up for ourselves and for our worth. Arguments against millennial ideas of morals and ethics are most likely stemming from the clear differences from past generations. But we are in a changing world and we are just reacting to that change.
But overall, the biggest problem with blaming and calling millennials out on these issues is not the specifics, but the fact that it is happening at all. When you grow up hearing something being said about yourself over and over, it's hard not to believe it. If we continue to tell millennials and proceeding generations that they are lazy, entitled, self-involved, and immoral, they just might start to believe they are. And that does nothing to resolve these issues, it merely perpetuates them.
It is likely that the torch will be passed on and when I am middle aged, I will also complain about the young ones of the world and their hover-cars, holograms, and whatever other futuristic devices may have been invented. But I sincerely hope, that instead of slandering them and blaming them for issues that may not even be their fault, I will encourage them to create a better future. Because you can't really build something (or someone) up by tearing them down. It just doesn't work.
But I'm not here to trash talk on a group of people I'm included in. I'm here to explain to you why these terms are not doing anything to help whatever problems you believe we may have caused. And that you can't really blame us for those problems anyway.
So yes, it's true. I hate millennials. The word. It's wrought with condescension and blame. And it does nothing to solve any perceived problems, especially when people included in the title use it mock their peers. (But for the lack of a better term, I will use it quite begrudgingly throughout this post)
The problem is, most of these complaints not even that accurate, at least from my experience. These complaints involve our proclivity for technology, our work ethic, our self-involvement, our lack of interest in marriage, and our moral and ethical beliefs. And because I can, I'm gonna break each of these down.
1. Technology: One of the most common complaints about millennials is our attachment to our phones. We have had the privilege of growing up in a time of exponential technological advancement, much of it provided by the generation above us. But then, when we use this technology, we are ridiculed for it. So the first this to note is without the generation who's complaining about or technology usage, we wouldn't even have a lot of that technology at our disposal. You can't just give us access to this kind of knowledge and communication and then become upset when we use it. Second, this technology provides us with unlimited information, communication, and outlets for creativity. Can you blame us for wanting to keep that access close? Given, there are times when our use of these technologies is excessive and unproductive. But you created it for us. Stop complaining that you don't like the way we are using it.
2. Work Ethic: I have heard many complaints about how my generation is too dependent on parents and others to be able to establish ourselves. We're entitled and as such, we are unable to work for our success. We're lazy and we just want everything handed to us. My first argument against this is that the population used to formulate this stereotype is not representative of the whole. They do exist but mind you, laziness is not something unique to the millennial generation. So maybe it's just the people I associate with, but my friends and acquaintances in my age group happen to be some of the most hardworking people I know. Starting at a young age, I have been surrounded by individuals who place their academic success before just about everything else in their lives. Many of my friends have neglected aspects of their social, mental, and physical well-being in order to be successful in their educational pursuits. And that kind of devotion is carried on to their careers. Most of the millennials I know are determined to do well for themselves, whether that means graduate level education or just finding a job to support themselves. As a whole, we are not a lazy generation. We work hard and have our sights set pretty dang high.
3. Self-Involvement: We are selfish. We only care about ourselves. But once again, unless I am only surrounded by the best of my generation, this isn't completely true. I would say that we have a tendency to care quite a bit about ourselves and our own successes. We were born into a corporate-driven marketplace. Unless we are a little self-involved, we aren't going to be very successful in our careers. But just because we are a little more concerned with our own advancements, doesn't mean we aren't concerned about others as well. Many of the millennials I know are quite supportive and service oriented. In fact, with the help of social media, millennials have sparked various positivity movements in order to support and love others. We really do care about things other than ourselves, whether it's seen or not.
4. Marriage and Family: Another complaint about millennials is that we are not as focused on marriage as we are expected or ought to be. We are getting married later or not getting married at all. We are called out for wanting to establish careers before we commit to a marriage relationship. And this is being made out to be a bad thing. First of all, there are a lot of millennials who are scared of that degree of commitment. We have grown up in a world where divorce is almost more common than a lasting marriage relationship. When we see divorce and the strife it causes for individuals and families, it is reasonable that we might want to take a bit more precaution in making those kinds of decisions. Second, many millennials focus on careers and establishing independence now so they can better provide for their families in the future. One of the most common issues in a marriage is finances, so maybe working those out beforehand isn't such a bad idea. I'm not knocking those who choose to get married early, but there just might be some merit to waiting.
5. Morals and Ethics: I'm not going to be the one to argue that our world isn't falling into a state of moral decay. There's evidence everywhere that morality is falling short to misconstrued independence and freedom. Specifically with sexuality, many are inclined to throw out moral standing and claim freedom of choice in regards to what is down with one's body. There is an astounding amount of violence and hate present in our communities. And people are claiming discrimination as freedom of speech. Politics are flooded with conflict rather than compromise. But millennials are very outspoken about issues that mean a lot to them. Sexual liberty is being used to combat gender roles, stereotypes, and double standards. People are coming together to protest violence and hatred. We are fighting for what we believe in and we are standing up for ourselves and for our worth. Arguments against millennial ideas of morals and ethics are most likely stemming from the clear differences from past generations. But we are in a changing world and we are just reacting to that change.
But overall, the biggest problem with blaming and calling millennials out on these issues is not the specifics, but the fact that it is happening at all. When you grow up hearing something being said about yourself over and over, it's hard not to believe it. If we continue to tell millennials and proceeding generations that they are lazy, entitled, self-involved, and immoral, they just might start to believe they are. And that does nothing to resolve these issues, it merely perpetuates them.
It is likely that the torch will be passed on and when I am middle aged, I will also complain about the young ones of the world and their hover-cars, holograms, and whatever other futuristic devices may have been invented. But I sincerely hope, that instead of slandering them and blaming them for issues that may not even be their fault, I will encourage them to create a better future. Because you can't really build something (or someone) up by tearing them down. It just doesn't work.
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
what is white culture?
This is a touchy subject. As soon as you bring up culture people get defensive about what belongs to them and what other people should not be allowed to wear, participate in, or say. Culture is becoming a possessive statement rather than an expressive one. It's all about what you can do and what others aren't allowed to do. And whether you like to face it or not, the only individuals I've seen targeted for cultural appropriation are white (though I'm sure non-white individuals have been accused somewhere).
And I'm not saying white individuals are not guilty of being offensive in this way. The Kardashians have done plenty of offensive things and their pretty unapologetic about it. The film industry also has a nasty habit of casting white individuals as ethnic characters. We're far from perfect in our treatment of individuals versus the treatment of their cultures. Amandla Stenberg put it well when she proposed the question, "What would America be like if it loved black people as much as it loves black culture?" This can be extended to other groups as well and it is an excellent starting point for self-reflection.
So let me preface this. There is no such thing as reverse racism. Racism refers to the systematic oppression of an entire race based on the fact that they are that race. It's something I've never experienced and most likely won't experience. White people have never been oppressed for being white. White women have been oppressed for being women. White homosexuals have been oppressed for being homosexual. But never because of white skin or race.
And it's important that we are aware of that privilege. Take for example the gender wage gap. We are told that women make approximately 78 cents to the male dollar. But that's the statistic for white women. Black American women make about 64 cents to the white male dollar, and Hispanic women make about 53 cents to the white male dollar. Even as a white woman, I am privileged in my oppression.
But this does not mean that white individuals are not stereotyped. White skin is not a protective factor from stereotyping or prejudice. We've all heard how white people can't dance and how much white girls love their Starbucks. People joke quite a bit about the way white guys flirt (which can be pretty funny, but that's a conversation for another time). The point is these are all stereotypes. They are seemingly harmless, but they do exist.
In fact, any time you call out a specific group of people and attach them to a blanket statement, you are stereotyping, whether you find it harmless or not. And when white individuals point out these issues, they are labeled as whiny. Which at face value may be true. Me complaining about the stereotype that white girls love Starbucks too much is pretty dang whiny. But there's a bigger issue at hand. It's the fact that we allow these statements and others like them targeting all kinds of people to be repeated. By continuing stereotyping, we polarize ourselves.
The issue is the way things are handled. We like to attack each other rather than educating. And this causes more problems than it solves.
But going back to cultural appropriation, here's a question I have. If white people are guilty of appropriating the culture of others, what is their own culture*? And can it be appropriated?
Because if a white individual can be guilty of appropriating other cultures, there must be a culture that they are safe to express, their own. But many people would argue that white people don't have a culture. Or that their culture is oppressing other cultures. Some would even say that white culture is borrowing from other cultures; that nothing solely represents white culture. It all came from someone else. But if white people don't have a culture, it would mean that all actions taken by a white individual would fall under the category of cultural appropriation in some form.
So if this is the case and white people don't have a culture, they must be in some form of limbo between cultures. A place that is safe for them to be without offending anyone else, but a place that can't be appropriated because it is an acceptable place for all people. And sadly, I think this may be the best way to describe modern white culture.
But even then, acknowledging white culture is seen as racist in and of itself. In fact, acknowledging whiteness in any form other than the humble recognition of privilege or mere statement of fact has been labeled as offensive. You are not allowed to be proud of your heritage if you are in the majority.
If you look at America and where it came from, I would say that white culture stems from religious freedom. You can see this in Martin Luther and the Reformation and in the immigration of European to America. You could also say that white culture largely participated in industrialization and technological advancement as much of this started in the colonies. White culture involves many styles of music, literature, dancing, and art. Yet these cultural aspects have never been designated solely for the white community.
But this is a legitimate question that I have and I am interested in seeing the perspectives of individuals from any background. What is white culture? Or does it even exist at all?
*Note: When I refer to white culture in this piece, I am referring to a possible culture shared by white individuals regardless of geography, religion, or socioeconomic status.
And I'm not saying white individuals are not guilty of being offensive in this way. The Kardashians have done plenty of offensive things and their pretty unapologetic about it. The film industry also has a nasty habit of casting white individuals as ethnic characters. We're far from perfect in our treatment of individuals versus the treatment of their cultures. Amandla Stenberg put it well when she proposed the question, "What would America be like if it loved black people as much as it loves black culture?" This can be extended to other groups as well and it is an excellent starting point for self-reflection.
So let me preface this. There is no such thing as reverse racism. Racism refers to the systematic oppression of an entire race based on the fact that they are that race. It's something I've never experienced and most likely won't experience. White people have never been oppressed for being white. White women have been oppressed for being women. White homosexuals have been oppressed for being homosexual. But never because of white skin or race.
And it's important that we are aware of that privilege. Take for example the gender wage gap. We are told that women make approximately 78 cents to the male dollar. But that's the statistic for white women. Black American women make about 64 cents to the white male dollar, and Hispanic women make about 53 cents to the white male dollar. Even as a white woman, I am privileged in my oppression.
But this does not mean that white individuals are not stereotyped. White skin is not a protective factor from stereotyping or prejudice. We've all heard how white people can't dance and how much white girls love their Starbucks. People joke quite a bit about the way white guys flirt (which can be pretty funny, but that's a conversation for another time). The point is these are all stereotypes. They are seemingly harmless, but they do exist.
In fact, any time you call out a specific group of people and attach them to a blanket statement, you are stereotyping, whether you find it harmless or not. And when white individuals point out these issues, they are labeled as whiny. Which at face value may be true. Me complaining about the stereotype that white girls love Starbucks too much is pretty dang whiny. But there's a bigger issue at hand. It's the fact that we allow these statements and others like them targeting all kinds of people to be repeated. By continuing stereotyping, we polarize ourselves.
The issue is the way things are handled. We like to attack each other rather than educating. And this causes more problems than it solves.
But going back to cultural appropriation, here's a question I have. If white people are guilty of appropriating the culture of others, what is their own culture*? And can it be appropriated?
Because if a white individual can be guilty of appropriating other cultures, there must be a culture that they are safe to express, their own. But many people would argue that white people don't have a culture. Or that their culture is oppressing other cultures. Some would even say that white culture is borrowing from other cultures; that nothing solely represents white culture. It all came from someone else. But if white people don't have a culture, it would mean that all actions taken by a white individual would fall under the category of cultural appropriation in some form.
So if this is the case and white people don't have a culture, they must be in some form of limbo between cultures. A place that is safe for them to be without offending anyone else, but a place that can't be appropriated because it is an acceptable place for all people. And sadly, I think this may be the best way to describe modern white culture.
But even then, acknowledging white culture is seen as racist in and of itself. In fact, acknowledging whiteness in any form other than the humble recognition of privilege or mere statement of fact has been labeled as offensive. You are not allowed to be proud of your heritage if you are in the majority.
If you look at America and where it came from, I would say that white culture stems from religious freedom. You can see this in Martin Luther and the Reformation and in the immigration of European to America. You could also say that white culture largely participated in industrialization and technological advancement as much of this started in the colonies. White culture involves many styles of music, literature, dancing, and art. Yet these cultural aspects have never been designated solely for the white community.
But this is a legitimate question that I have and I am interested in seeing the perspectives of individuals from any background. What is white culture? Or does it even exist at all?
*Note: When I refer to white culture in this piece, I am referring to a possible culture shared by white individuals regardless of geography, religion, or socioeconomic status.
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