it wasn't that bad.

First, I want to say sorry. Sorry for not telling the people who care about me about this before posting it online. Sorry for not being as much of a fighter as I thought I would be. Sorry for only talking about this now.

Last year I was sexually assaulted. Only I don't really feel comfortable calling it that. It wasn't violent. It ended quickly. I didn't fight back. It wasn't that bad.

Just two months ago I lied to my parents. In a debate about honor code violations and sexual assault at BYU, I told them that I had broken honor code rules, but was never assaulted at those times. But I had been. As soon as the words came out of my mouth I knew I was lying. Because it happened. I have denied it, I have pushed it down. I have told myself that I probably could have stopped it, so it was my fault that I didn't. I have carried this with me, mostly alone.

But before I tell you that story I want to tell you a couple different ones.

High School

Throughout high school, I was consistently sexually harassed by one of my peers. I blew it off because I thought he was cute and knew that he talked that way about a lot of other girls in our class. He made comments about my body, about having sex with me. When sitting near him in class, I knew these comments were likely, but I convinced myself it wasn't a big deal. I even recall joking to a friend that I could "probably get him in trouble for sexual harassment if I reported it," but I didn't want to be that girl. He was smart and popular. But what was the point of doing anything about it? It wasn't that bad.

College (Sort of)

Right after I graduated while I was still living in my college town, I took a trip with roommates to Las Vegas. It was a birthday trip and we had gotten into a swanky club as VIP (thanks to a wonderful stranger, but that's another story). Now while in a club, it is pretty common to make contact with other people, often just dancing and having a good time. It is also fairly common to be touched when you do not want it. And I still remember how it felt to try and pull another woman's hand away as she tried to reach up my skirt while she whispered in my ear "we're both girls, so it's okay." It wasn't okay, but it wasn't that bad.

I share these mostly because I need to get them off my chest. My experiences are definitely not limited to these things, but these specific ones stick out as the most consequential in my life. I consider myself lucky. I haven't had to deal with half of the garbage many of my friends have. My experiences are limited and I'm grateful.

And that brings me to my final story.

Like many young single Mormons, last summer I was feeling the pressure to date as well as the natural human desire for affection. I downloaded a popular Mormon dating app, Mutual, and I started swiping. I matched with this one boy who was cute, tall, and a returned missionary. He reached out and while we talked for a bit, I ultimately blew him off. But then a few weeks later, he messaged me again and asked me out. I agreed and we spent some time together up Provo Canyon. I had a good time and I thought he was attractive, so I reached out to him again. This time we ended up making out at my apartment. After a while, he started touching me in a way I did not feel comfortable with. My thoughts were racing. "What is he doing? How do I tell him I don't like this? What will he do if I tell him to stop? What if he gets upset?" Fortunately in the time it took me to mentally ask myself these questions, he had stopped. He eventually left and we never spoke again.

The next morning I remember telling one of my best friends what happened. I didn't give her all the details, but I did tell her I felt guilty. We blew it off as "Mormon girl shame." But by that night, I knew it wasn't just that. Something had happened to me that I did not want and did not consent to.

But it didn't last that long. It wasn't that bad.

I have had every doubt and every victim-blaming thought pass through my head. I still don't really feel like I am a victim or survivor. I still rationalize that what happened to me isn't worth speaking about and doesn't qualify for any definition. I keep coming back to the same thought "it wasn't that bad."

But what if it was? What do I do then? The answer is I don't really know.

As I watched the Senate Judiciary Committee question both Christine Blasey Ford and Brett Kavanaugh, I was brought back to my own experiences. Is what happened to me noteworthy? Am I overreacting? Was it my fault? If a woman can come forward with credible allegations of events much more serious than my own, where does that leave me? Would I be believed? Would I be mocked?

I find myself asking questions that shouldn't have to be asked at all. And I guess that's my answer.

None of these things should have happened to me. I shouldn't have to be grateful that at least it wasn't worse.

Watching women be questioned and doubted and retraumatized is painful. I have so much admiration and appreciation for what Dr. Ford has done. She is speaking up for herself, her country, and any other individual who has experienced something like this. I believe her. I stand with her. I am terrified that we are willing to allow sexual abusers to attain lofty positions of power in our government. Yet, I am empowered to share my own story. I share it for everyone who has gone through similar things. I share it for those who still question if their experience was bad enough to count. I share it so I no longer have to carry this burden alone.

If you are having a hard time with the current news, anything I shared in this post, or anything in your experience, please reach out. RAINN's hotline operates 24/7 at https://hotline.rainn.org/online/ or you can call 1-800-656-HOPE(4673). 

the year of empathy

First off, let me say, that I am fully aware that we are halfway through February. Secondly, I did start writing this a month ago but I never got around to ironing it out and posting it so touching on a New Years theme hopefully makes sense with that context. But I feel like this issue is ever important, so better late than never.

Starting a new year involves resolution-making, purging, and renewing for many people. Something I've seen many do is choose a word to use as their guide throughout the year. Seeing these caused me to reflect on what word might be the guiding beacon for me this year and I decided pretty immediately that it would be empathy.

I feel like empathy is something we all kind of pretend to understand and be good at. We know the textbook definition.We know that it is different than sympathy but we still interchange the two when it comes to our behavior. We expect empathy from others but really can't be bothered to extend it in return. And I think that is mostly because empathy is so active. It's not a gut reaction. It is thoughtful, active, and can often take time. 

Take into consideration pretty much every social issue currently in the news. It is my ~assumption that with empathy, these issues could be worked through a bit quicker than the pace we are currently at. But the truth is, empathy is hard. And not just like "my arms are weak and I can't lift this heavy box" hard but "imagining myself in your situation is emotionally exhausting and I am struggling to take your burden upon myself" hard. And we often don't truly consider the weight of these emotional burdens. But you also have to remember that no matter how hard imagining yourself in someone else's position is, actually BEING in that position is harder. In fact, a part of privilege is not actually having to be in those positions. But we sometimes take that to mean that we don't have to care about it either. It doesn't affect us so why waste the time? Because that's what good people do. They look outward. They empathize even when it's hard.¹

Empathy creates a space for work. When we truly empathize with another's difficulties, especially with the difficulties faced by entire groups of people, it is selfish to walk away without offering some form of assistance. For social issues, this can be small actions such as having conversations or larger actions such as donating time and money to just causes. And yes, with awareness of issues and the employment of empathy comes responsibility. And sometimes ignorance is easier (an idea I talk about in depth here), but we cannot allow ourselves to turn away. 

So for me, 2018 is a year of empathy. A year of employing it, strengthening it, and teaching it. When I read stories of abuse and marginalization, I will not imagine what I would do in their situation, I will imagine what I would feel in their situation. It is a subtle difference, but it might just change everything. 

¹Having a background in psychology, I know that empathy can be really hard for certain people. That's totally understandable and do what you can. 

awareness and responsibility

This past week has been a roller coaster of tragedies and political issues. Among the headlines, Puerto Rico and the destruction of Hurricane Maria, Las Vegas and the concert shooting, abortion legislation, Congress scandals, NFL protests, and Trump's horrendous response to all of it. It's exhausting for even the less politically involved of us. There is an endless supply of causes and movements to get behind, you just have to pick one or twenty...

I want to discuss something I've been studying in one of my classes this week. I am taking a course on the theories of counseling and psychotherapy. Specifically, this week we discussed Existential and Gestalt theories. In both there is a strong emphasis on awareness. In regard to therapy, this typically means an awareness of yourself: your personality, desires, and behaviors. But it also encompasses an awareness of the world around you. Gestalt theory points out that awareness directly translates into responsibility. Once you are aware of your circumstances or issues, you are then burdened with the responsibility of changing and improving. This vaguely resembles the cliche phrase most of us have heard, "the first step to solving your problems is recognizing you have them." I guess that makes responsibility for change step two.

But this was almost epiphanic for me as I am sitting in class and my mind immediately shifts to the topic of privilege. For my purpose here, let's define privilege* as unearned benefits attributed to members of certain social groups. Privilege is what allows you to "not be into politics." It allows you to sit on the sidelines and not choose a team to root for. Or, more commonly, sit on the sideline and root for a team you don't know much about. But the problem with learning about the teams is the duty that comes with it. Awareness does not just mean responsibility for yourself, but for others as well.

If you listen to women's experiences with sexism, you are then responsible for change. When you listen to PoC talk about their encounters with racism, you have to do something. When you learn of the hatred the LGBT community faces, you must be a part of the solution. When you consume statistics and stories, all of that information pushes you to action. So we choose not to listen and we choose not to understand. We choose ignorance because it's easier. When you don't acknowledge the cracks in our nation's foundation, you can continue living guilt-free. Because when everything collapses, you get to claim that you didn't think there was a problem in the first place.

Activism is emotional, and occasionally physical, labor. It's not easy. Engaging in movements and speaking up for your beliefs opens you to harassment and ridicule. It's an emotional vulnerability that opens the gates and let's people in to attack you at your core. But between comfortable ignorance and grueling awareness, I will choose exhaustion every time.

Though activism may be hard, it is just as rewarding. Having a strong belief system and something to stand up for are irreplaceable experiences. Being politically focused has made my life feel purposeful even when I have nothing else pushing me forward. If we are all living in this world, how selfish is it to not be informed on the ways we can take care of it and each other? And the key here is being properly informed.

I would invite those of you who have read this far, to learn something new about politics this week. Find statistics, look at sources, listen to stories, and engage in conversation. Read articles with an open, yet analytical, mind. Whether the information you find pulls you left or right, make sure the information is valid. Gather from a variety of sources, especially individual experience. Really think about what you believe instead of following what family, friends, or institutions tell you. Develop a belief system that fully belongs to you.

Most importantly, develop your beliefs and values with both your mind and your heart. Put love above all else. Do not merely preach a love for country, but a love for all the people in it. Recognize their humanity and their needs. And most critically, do not let your personal desires keep you from seeing what it best for everyone. If our main focus in life was supposed to be ourselves, we wouldn't have been put here with seven billion other people. Our goal should be to create systems that work best for everyone, and sometimes that's gonna involve personal sacrifice.

So make yourself more aware and take on some responsibility. Arm yourself with knowledge and conviction. Take shelter when you need to, recuperate, and rejoin the flanks. It's an emotional, selfless, and tiresome battle, but it's fought with love and truth.


*For more information on privilege, visit this site. It's long and imperfect, but informative.

shame and the gospel

Recently, I have had lots of questions regarding the gospel. They vary in topic and most I keep to myself. But about a month and a half ago, I got the nerve to throw some of these questions into the strange void that is twitter.com. Here is a screengrab of part of that thread (yes, my name here is "freakin bats." please try to ignore that):

I posed these questions partially hoping for people to respond with their perspectives but mostly just to throw out some thoughts I was having in hopes I wasn't alone in questioning things. Side note: If you have thoughts on Heavenly Mother and both the doctrine and culture surrounding her, I would love to chat.

However, the response that struck me most, was from a girl who has since blocked me and protected her tweets so I cannot include a screenshot of her reply. She indicated that she was tired of sacred things being questioned and called out as sexism. She felt that if I were faithful enough, these questions would not matter. And naturally, I was pretty upset. I felt like she was saying that my questions and concerns were not worth discussing and that my inquiry was due to a lack of faith. And I felt the opposite. I felt that I had faith in something and someone I do not know much about. I was asking questions, from my perspective, to gain understanding about something I feel very strongly about. And my questions were tossed to the curb and labeled as unfaithful. It hurt.

Questions and doubts are topics that are briefly discussed by church leaders. We are told to doubt our doubts (ref) and questioning in public spaces is discouraged. We are told that having questions is normal but are dismissed when we ask the hard ones. Most questions starting with the word "why" are answered with the direction to pray and gain a testimony for ourselves. And these things aren't inherently wrong, they are just limiting. Hard questions obviously are tough to answer. And I think that often, the questions we ask are questions the people we are asking have as well. But I wish that didn't have to mean we stay quiet.

I want to know why I am not supposed to say certain words. I want an explanation of how a few inches difference in hemline can determine righteousness. I want someone to explain to me why some forms of caffeine are acceptable while others are not. I don't want to follow commandments without understanding them. To me, the commandment to love one another seems like the most, if not the only important one, yet the most ignored. And I just want to understand why the directions we're given that to me seem petty or annoyingly specific get more attention than commandments as simple and powerful as love.

The fact that I am not satisfied with blind obedience may be a personality quirk, but I have the feeling I am not alone in feeling this way. In fact, I am sure that many people have these same questions in addition to many of their own. And I think it's leading many, especially individuals around my age, to leave the church altogether.

By leaving questions unanswered and unaddressed, we tell people that they need to figure things out on their own. And they may come out of that with stronger faith and a better understanding. But they could also end up confused and discouraged.

At this point in my personal and spiritual development, I do not blame those who leave the church when they have doubts. Being a member can be hard. We act like it's not, but it is. ("We" referring to the general church population). And then we judge people who leave for not being strong enough or not having enough faith. Or even more likely, we just do not understand how it's even possible that someone could walk away from something that brings us so much joy. We view leaving as a failure and a betrayal. As a whole, we really are just bad at letting people decide that a different lifestyle or belief system is better for them than Mormonism.

Mormons do not have a monopoly on truth. In fact, we get things wrong fairly often, I think. And honestly, every member has a different idea of what truth even is. We need to stop shaming people for asking questions and subsequently shaming them if they choose to leave. We need to let people discover their personal versions of truth. We need to ask and answer hard questions. Asking questions is how we learn and grow. Progress is impossible without inquisition. If asking these questions brings people closer to LDS doctrine and increases their faith, that is wonderful. But we need to remember that questions might have the opposite effect for some people. And that doesn't make them weak or wrong. It just means that they are still on the journey to find what lifestyle works best for them. And really, we all have that in common no matter what we believe.

lessons from utah county

I want to write something special but I am at a loss for words. In a week, I leave the most important work experience of my life for the last time. Two days later, I drive out of Utah, my home of the past four years, for good. I am overwhelmed. I am excited, terrified, miserable, and sure. Today I cried listening to For Good from Wicked and watched 6+ episodes of Parks and Rec. I am completely unprepared for what the next few weeks have in store.

The past month has been emotionally draining. I've been entirely lost and somehow totally sure of where I am at the same time. With the promise of a new adventure on the horizon, Utah has begun to feel like a second home (Kansas will always be number one for me).

I have learned a lot during this time of my life and I don't know how to organize it. So I am going to word vomit and hope it sounds okay.

Spend as much time in the mountains as possible. It is healing and celestial.

When given the opportunity, stay up late and watch multiple Disney Channel original movies in a row with your roommates.

The things you do aren't as important as the people you do them with. The friends you have reflect who you are and what you will become. If you hang out with trash people, you will become a trash person. Hang out with good, kind, passionate individuals and they will support you in being the same. Do the fun things, but make sure your focus is on who you are with.

Immediately find the best fries in whatever city you are living in. When sad, eat those fries. But also be open to trying new fries. Basically just eat lots of fries.

Self care is good. Netflix binge-ing by yourself falls under this category and anyone who says otherwise can go.

Do not give your time to people who do not respect you or your boundaries, emotionally or physically. They do not care about you. They are not your friend. There are so many people who will ask you what you are comfortable with and respect your answer. They will ask you if you are okay with hugs. They won't push you to go out when you want to stay home. And when you find these people, do not let them go.

Follow up: believe your friends when they tell you someone has disrespected their boundaries. Be there for them.

Always go on road trips. Doesn't matter where you go.

Treat yourself when you can. Especially when it comes to buying shoes. I am always in support of buying shoes.

Get involved in politics. National, state and local. Vote when you can (which should be always). Challenge your own views and the views of others. Stand up for your beliefs but listen to everyone else too. Let your opinions change and definitely don't get mad when others do the same. That's not flip-flopping; it's growth.

Go to class, but also skip every once in a while. It's fine.

Find a place to nap on campus. If you are at BYU, the periodicals section of the library has some leather couches behind the bookshelves that I highly recommend.

Try new things and don't give up when you are bad at them. I'm still learning this.

And lastly, though the sentiment is overdone and cliche, be yourself. There is no good reason to not be. Everything strange and rough and imperfect about you makes you incredible. Do not betray that.

political progress through empathy

Something I've tried recently is listening to arguments without responding in affirming or contradicting ways. I simply respond "that's an interesting view" or "I've never considered that perspective" rather than immediately jumping into an argument or an echo chamber-esque conversation. While doing this, it occurred to me that it's not something I, or most people, do often enough.

When we listen, we often do so with the intent of responding not hearing. This is damaging in any setting, but is increasingly present in political discourse. We are on the constant defensive. There is an urgent need to defend what we believe and attack those who disagree with us. But this doesn't offer much room for growth. When we listen with the intent of responding, we don't really hear others' concerns or beliefs. We are self-focused which limits the possibility for connection and understanding.

One of the most frustrating things I see in political discussion is the belittling and silencing of experience. Many individuals from marginalized groups are stepping forward to tell their stories. Often, these people are invalidated and dismissed when people do not feel comfortable with the accusations their stories make. It is so much easier to deny validity than take responsibility.

We need less politics and more empathy. 

First, we must recognize that when we are discussing heated topics, we are typically talking with people who care as much as we do. Whether you agree with a person or not, they feel as strongly about their stance as you do about yours. When we remember this, we can be more respectful and productive in our discussions. 

We also need to realize that despite political leanings, feelings are always valid. When someone feels discriminated against, we need to listen and support. All too often, we jump in to defend ourselves. When someone speaks out on their experiences with racism we respond with "but, I'm not racist." Or someone expresses concern about sexism and we respond #NotAllMen. We don't listen to hear, we rather respond quickly to clear our own consciences. And this solves nothing. 

Empathy, however, has power to change. We can change ourselves, our behavior, our minds. With empathy, we are no longer on separate teams trying to win governmental power; we are on the same team, fighting for what is best for all. You do not have to fully understand or agree with someone to validate and empathize. Empathy is not uniformity, but it is unity. 

It is essential to a peaceful existence that we recognize the humanity in everyone we encounter, no matter how different they might be. People are not political obstacles; they are people. The sooner and the more frequently we realize that, the more cooperative we will be and the more progress we will make.

So next time someone speaks out about an issue, whether you agree or not, truly listen before you respond. Validate that persons beliefs and recognize their humanity. Evaluate yourself and your stance on the issue. Then have productive conversation. Do not jump on the defensive, but slowly and thoughtfully analyze contradicting viewpoints together. 

If we truly want a government built for the people, we have to first listen to the people. When we are empathetic, we solve more problems, we are more united, and we truly progress.

pro-life

No, we are not talking about abortion. If you want to know my view on women's healthcare, ask me at another time.

Right now, we are talking about the millions of other lives that are now under direct threat due to the Trump administration. I'm done treading lightly on this topic. We've dug ourselves into a huge, racist hole and now we have to fight and claw our way out.

Due to Trump's reckless immigration related executive orders and presidential memoranda (1) (2) (3), immigrants, refugees and US residents trying to enter the country are facing major discriminatory roadblocks. Green card holders are being detained in airports and kept from visiting their former homes (source). A woman, distraught at the idea of returning to her country of origin, attempted to end her life at the airport where she was notified of her deportation (source). Vetted refugees who were in the air when the order was signed were detained upon landing (source). These regulations are ruining lives and ending lives.

This executive order does not keep bad people out of the US. It keeps good people who have already completed a thorough vetting process from entering our country. For reference, here is the refugee screening process established under the Obama administration. It is already difficult for refugees to be accepted into the US and this order achieves nothing but hate. Not to mention it's illegal (source).

But instead of throwing more sources at you, I will proceed to my point. If these orders do not bother you, you are not pro-life. If these stories of individuals being denied refuge and being blatantly discriminated against based on their place of birth do not bother you, you are not pro-life. If you support this illegal use of immigration policy, YOU ARE NOT PRO-LIFE.

You are racist. You do have a single story of what people from other countries, specifically those associated with Islam, are like and what they believe. You are making yourself complicit in the discrimination against these individuals and any subsequent actions taken by our current president.

Do not spout your pro-life rhetoric to me unless you carry your same "respect" for life across the board. I don't want to hear about how your priority is saving children and making sure they are afforded the opportunity of life, if that view does not include refugee children. I understand why you are pro-life in regards to abortion. But I do not understand why you cannot seem to generalize that idea to children not conceived in the United States.

This is a gross generalization of pro-lifers, I get that. If you fight for life always, no matter the context, pat yourself on the back and continue to fight for what you believe. But if not, listen to what I am saying to you right now. Your view is hypocritical. You need to reevaluate. There are many lives out there, that need us to fight for them. If you want to call yourself pro-life still, be pro-life always; when it's tough, when it's unpopular, when it does not directly benefit you, and maybe sometimes when it's a little inconvenient to you. But do not tell me you're pro-life when you pick and choose which lives you are willing to fight for.

Muslim brothers and sisters, refugees, US citizens and residents who are scared of these policies and how they will affect your lives, your lives are important to me. I am here for you, I love you, and I will fight for you.